Friday, August 28, 2009

Today's Randomness: "Is that a challenge?", Update on the Upgrade and Daddy Issues

"Is that a challenge?"
I've come to realize that I've become a person who likes to prove people wrong. (Ikey Baybee can attest to that, as I prove him wrong on a daily basis LOL) Sometimes I will go to great lengths just to fulfill this compulsive desire to be right and to win. And occasionally I end up doing something good for myself in the process. I was sick of my long boring hair but didn't build up the courage to cut it until I heard this incredibly stupid comment, "You're not gonna be cute without your hair and your boyfriend isn't gonna like you!" *record scratch* WHAAAAT?! Is this second grade? I chopped it soon after that. Now I'm choosing to go natural because people are telling me that either I won't look "right" with natural hair (whatever that means) and that it'll be too hard for me to maintain. So of course that means I gotta do it & have to make sure my lil fro is on point whenever I do the big chop. AND I'm more motivated to get into shape to combat the ridiculous stereotype of all Zetas being fat, black and ugly. (Ugly? Have you seen this face boo? And yes I'm black but I wear my cioccolata amara skin proudly. But fat? Holla at me in a few months...)

Update on The Upgrade
Speaking of making changes, so far The Upgrade is going well! (What upgrade, you say? How dare you not click here and find out what I'm talking about!) Right now I am focusing on two things: organizing and un-cluttering (my space, my mind, my life... lol) and becoming fiscally responsible. I admit that I'm a hoarder and not the neatest person. *hangs head in shame* But even so, I realize that I tend to be calmer and think clearer when there is some form of order and simplicity in my surroundings. The fact that I stay in a relatively crowded, cluttered space can't be good for my psyche, so I'm working to improve that. And as far as the money thing... Well how can I expect to be trusted with a better salary if I can't be a good steward of what I already have? (Yeah, that's Bible; I read occasionally lol) Besides, I can't truly be on my "Grown woman ish" if my bank account looks like I'm still receiving a measly allowance! Not good! lol

Daddy Issues
Something else that's not so good: my relationship with my father. It's no real shock that we aren't close, but I am slightly surprised that it's affected my subconscious the way it has. Over the last several years, I've had a recurring dream, but only recently realized that it was the same dream with changes in minor details. The main elements are always the same: My mom, dad & I are at our old house (the one I grew up in as a kid). Something random and minute sets my dad off and he and I get into it. During our argument, he turns his anger towards my mom as she tries to mediate. We usually get in each others' face, sometimes actually throwing blows. I always warn my mom that she needs to get out and leave him while she can, that she doesn't need to be with him. She never listens. I always wake up as he raises his hand to hit her. I don't know what the hell these dreams mean or why I keep having them. As much as I can't stand my father, he's never been physically abusive, so why would I dream that? I had the dream again last night and woke up in tears. I really don't even know who to talk to about it.

Okay, I think that's enough random rambling from me tonight. I need some rest. Deuces.

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