Thursday, January 27, 2011

There's a world outside of Tori D. (on Current Events)

I know that most of my posts are self-centered, but I am quite aware of the things that are going on around me. I tend to use this blog more as a diary than a outlet to keep others abreast of current events. I tend not to talk about them for two reasons: 1. Sometimes I think I feel too strongly about certain things and believe it best to keep to myself, and 2. It usually takes me forever to really articulate what I feel in a way that pleases me. And that's partially due to the fact that I can see both sides of most things and have conflicting views.

Anyway, these are the current/recent events that are at the forefront of my mind.

Earlier this week, an Ohio woman was sentenced to jail, placed on three years probation and fined for sending her daughters to the wrong school district. Instead of sending them to the substandard school they were zoned for, Kelly Williams-Bolar said that her daughters lived with her father so that they could attend a better school. People do this every day, y'all. And if her kids had been excellent athletes, this wouldn't have even been an issue. But instead it's a poor black woman trying to give her kids better. Now I'm not saying she was necessarily right in her method; breaking the law is breaking the law. However, the punishment does not fit the crime. Instead of simply sending the children back to the correct district (or allowing her the chance to arrange for them to live with her father, therefor putting them in the correct district) and perhaps giving her a light fine, she now has a felony on her record, which will severely limit her opportunity to provide a better life for her kids. And has anyone stopped to think about WHY she had to send her kids to a different school district? These were both public schools, but clearly the school in the lower class section of town was not properly funded, staffed, something. There's no reason that there should have been a $30,000 discrepancy in tuition from one school to the other! The judge stated that she wanted to make an example out of her. We should make an example out of the judge. Please sign the petition for Kelly Williams-Bolar

In happier news, earlier this month the Scott Sisters were released. Gov. Haley Barbour suspended their sentences indefinitely on the condition that 1) they do not return to Mississippi and 2) Jamie Scott donate a kidney to her very sick sister Gladys. The sisters are now living in Florida with their mother and children. No word yet on whether Jamie is a match for Gladys. Many have speculated that the reason they were released was because the cost of Gladys' healthcare was becoming too much of a burden. I personally feel it was a move to help his chances at the presidency and to recover from his seemingly racist and white-washed comments a few weeks earlier where he stated that a well-known hate group wasn't all that bad when he was growing up. While his motives may be shady I do commend him for doing what was ultimately the right thing (I still ain't voting for him though). Y'all know what they say, God works in mysterious ways...

And speaking of mysteries, what is up with all of the animals dropping dead by the hundreds, sometimes thousands? Dead birds, dead fish, dead birds, dead crabs, and yes, more dead birds. Some accuse the government of secret testing that resulted in the mass deaths. Others say powerlines and fireworks killed the birds. And more extreme folks are blaming everything from UFOs to the Apocalypse. No one is really sure of the cause of these events, but I like the possible explanations found here.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Who taught you to hate?

“Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the color of your skin? Who taught you to hate the shape of your nose and the shape of your lips? Who taught you to hate yourself from the top of your head to the soles of your feet? Who taught you to hate your own kind? Who taught you to hate the race that you belong to so much so that you don’t want to be around each other? ... you should ask yourself who taught you to hate being what God made you.”

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

ghosts of exes past

It started again, as it so often does.

This time, it began with an innocent "Happy holidays" email.

Then it was an email to check on me, because he knows that this season is rough, considering what happened.

That lead to me looking him up on Facebook, just to see what he's been doing.

Then came the texts with the pet names....

Psycho Ex and I go through this back and forth periodically. It starts off like this, then we become friends again. I let my guard down and we get close. I realize he's trying to have his cake and eat it too--again--and tell him to kiss ass. We don't talk for months. Then an email....

Yesterday it was a "Thinking of you" text. After I didn't respond, I got this today:

I know u told me not to contact you again but i do still think about you and always hope you're doing well. Really impossible for me not 2 think of u.

*sigh* WHY LAWD?!

I want so bad to cuss him out and make him hate me, but something in me stops me from doing that. I can't say I still love him, but I did, and that truth is what makes it so hard. In some other relationships I realized that it was just infatuation so it was no big deal to say eff it. But even when I told him to lose my number there was still some hesitation. And this was almost a year after the big blowup that happened years after we were done!

But this time, I'm ready to end this little back and forth. I haven't engaged in any conversation other than a "same to you and your family" to the Happy New Year/hope all is well texts. I just can't get sucked into the back and forth. Every time I see his (unsaved) number pop up, I think about his wife and have 101 questions. Does she know he still feels this way about me, still contacts me? Has she just accepted that that's the way it is? How does he rationalize his actions in his mind? If we were together, who would he be texting on the side? Would I be so blind?

The answers to those questions really don't even matter at this point. This is a chapter in my life that should have been over long ago. You can't run from the past, can't undo it. But he's a lie if he thinks I'm ready to repeat it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

On Marriage: An Epiphany

This? Eh... eventually.
I've realized something that I guess I hadn't really thought about recently. It wasn't a slap-me-upside-the-head a-ha moment... just a subtle realization.

I've always had this time line in mind about when I wanted to be married and possibly start a family. I wanted to be married by 25. I figured that if I decided to have kids, this would allow my husband and I about three years together, just the two of us. Pop the first kid out at 28, second at 29 or 30. Tubes tied at 31. Ya like how nice and neat I had that worked out, don't you?

But here I am, a few months shy of 26, and I've discovered that I'm okay with the fact that life has not gone according to my plans. In fact, not only am I okay with it, but I would be okay with not getting married until sometime in my 30s. I have so much I want to do right now, things that will require my time and attention over the next couple of years. And while I know it's possible to do the things I want to do while married, I don't think I want to. Instead, devoting myself fully to seeing my dream come to life is what appeals to me. Then I can make that lifelong commitment to my husband. And I've already pretty much settled in my mind that I won't be having kids. Although I had a laundry list of reasons not to have them, I said if the right guy came along in time, I'd be open to it. Well that window has passed! LOL Which means there's even less of a rush to get married.

Of course, if Mr. Right came along today and soon wanted to make me Mrs. Right, I wouldn't fight it. Like I said, it's not impossible to pursue my career goals and be in a serious, committed relationship. And yes, there is a little lingering fear about potentially missing out on marriage all together since this seems to be the ideal age to do it. But... it is what it is. Whenever it happens, should it happen, I'll be okay. Even if it's not today.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

31 Day Reset: Day 1

I am participating in Rosetta Thurmond's 31 Day Reset as a means of giving this year (and my life in its entirety) a defined purpose and direction. Although I am working on this daily, I will not be sharing all of the exercises here, as I feel some of it may be deeply personal. But those things that I am willing to share will be right here for the world to see.

For day one, we were challenged to come up with a personal mantra. It could be a scripture, quote, or something that we created. It simply needed to speak to us and be a theme for us to keep in mind during and after this challenge. For my mantra, I chose to paraphrase a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says:

"What lies behind [me] and what lies before [me] are small matters compared to what lies within [me]."

This quote helps me to remember that I already have everything within me to achieve success, happiness, love, and fulfillment. Now whether I tap into it is up to me, but the potential is there just as it is in each of us.