Thursday, October 30, 2008

CLOSURE (or the lack thereof....) :-/

Current mood: depressed
Category: Romance and Relationships

How do you know when you are truly over someone? Is it when you no longer wake up thinking about them? Or when you can stand to hear their name without cringing or bursting into tears? Could it be that you're only over it when you're no longer hurting?

But what if it never stops hurting? You can't wallow in it, but somehow ignoring it completely doesn't work either. Eventually you have to move on and find happiness somewhere else.

That brings up the big question: Is it possible to truly love and be in love with someone when you're still not over someone else? And not in the sense of still being in love with the other person, but still being emotionally devastated because of them…

I heard from Shaun. On the 9th, not that long after the following incident, I received a one-word email from him. "Sorry." It pissed me off more than anything because I didn't know what angle he was coming from. I was sure he was trying to get back in my good graces, striving to be endearing so that my hostility would melt away. I wasn't sure if I should reply or not, but the next day he received my cold, one-word answer: "Ok." I thought this would be the last I would hear from him.

But on Tuesday I got another email from him. More than one word this time. "I've needed to get something off my chest for the past several months," he begins. He goes on to say that he really did love me and wanted to marry me but at the same time couldn't come to grips with the fact that his previous marriage had failed. He also apologized for everything that happened between us and wished me luck, happiness, all that good stuff.

For two days I debated on whether or not I should respond. There were so many questions about the pros and cons of answering him versus ignoring him. And then if I answer, what to say? Should I lash out like some petulant child throwing a tantrum because things didn't go my way, or take the "high road" and act like all is forgiven? I wanted to do both and neither at the same time. But the thing is, if I did the former, he would know he still gets to me. If he did the latter, he thinks I'm still under his spell. So I was content in just not saying anything else to him. But for some reason it kept nagging at me, so I decided to say something. I did what he himself was guilty of throughout the relationship and what he accused me of after it was over. I lied. I told him that I was no longer affected by it. I said I was indifferent to him and to the situation as a whole. I tried to kinda cut him by saying I was sorry about us from beginning to end. But to balance it out, I did acknowledge that I learned a lot from the mess that we made and wished him well with his family (I assume they're back together since she lives at his new house). It was a succinct, detached memo that hopefully didn't give itself away as being a complete farce.

But did it do any good? I dunno. I said I would go on and say something just to have closure. But in the words of an e-acquaintance when discussing the situation, "Closure is overrated." I mean, it's kinda like "now what?" I've said that I'm indifferent to it but I'm still hurt. I still cried when I read the email, cried last night when I heard a song that reminded me of him, cried when I replied, crying while writing this… Obviously I'm not as callous as I wish I were. But if it still hurts and if I still think about that sometimes, is that a problem? I know I'm in a good relationship now with a great person, but every now and then I'll see something or go somewhere that triggers a good memory and it's like "Man, what happened to that?" But that doesn't lessen what I feel now, right?

Ugh, I don't even feel like writing about it anymore. I feel so Carl Thomas right now: I wish I never met him at all…