Monday, February 28, 2011

A Refresher

When I moved into my new office last year, I inherited a plant. I have no idea what kind of plant it is; it's green with big ol leaves... *shrug* It sits in the corner by the window, and because I have my back to it most of the time, I usually forget that it's there. Sure I see it in the background of my in-office photo shoot pix, but I don't really see it. Inevitably, someone will come through the office and point out the fact that the leaves are limp and dangling over the side of the pot, hanging on for dear life. Eventually I water it and the next day, voila! You'd never know it had a near-death experience.

I feel like there are some areas of my life--heck, all our lives--that need watering. I'm guilty of getting so caught up in what I'm doing that I neglect the things in the corner. Some of it's major, like my pursuit of my own spiritual truth or belief. Some of it isn't major in the affect-you-for-all-eternity kinda way, but still shouldn't have been pushed to the side. Like my voice. I wonder where I would be if I continued to sing after high school and became a classically trained musician. Well I don't know, but I could at least begin voice lessons, get it back to where it used to be. My voice--and my spirit--could use a refresher.

I'm sort of in a down swing right now (bonus for me that I'm now able to pick up on my mood shifts, where as before it didn't really hit me until after someone pointed it out) but I'm trying to take steps to actively pick myself up. I think about how good I feel after a great revival (the last one we had at our church was awesome) and the plant in my office that is thriving now off a little bit of water, and realized that I need my own revival, a complete refreshing--mind, body, spirit... all that. Now that I know, I've got to do.

Monday, February 14, 2011

I Used to Love You

Valentine's Day, that is.

In elementary school, Valentine's Day was right up there with Christmas! I loved going to school on that day... It was full of arts & crafts, music and sweets. Heaven for a fat little artiste such as myself. There was no doubt that something would be in the little paper basket that hung over the side of the desk. And don't let there be a real card in there, not just the little tear-out cards that came in the box with the cartoon characters on it... Baaaaaybeh, that meant you were fancy! Someone liked you enough to spend a whole dollar on yo card. Go 'head! And since I went to a Christian school, we got all the love scriptures: "God is love," "For God so loved the world..." "Greater love hath no man than this..." etc.

But then I grew up. Went many V-Days without anyone special. Grew up some more and got my heart broken a couple of times. Went through the bitter phase. Grew up even more to get to the content phase. And now, Valentine's Day just doesn't mean anything to me. I don't hate the holiday--I grew out of that in college. But I'm not ecstatic about it either. It's just another day. Even now that I'm in a relationship, it's not that big of a deal. We do things for each other throughout the year, so whether one of those acts happens to fall on 2/14 doesn't make it any more special to me than the other 364 days of the year.

I used to love Valentine's Day, more than most other days. But now, it's just a day like every other day.

Except my birthday. That day is still special.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

On Marriage... Again

Bartender and I have had several discussions on marriage. Although he seems to be opening up to the idea of marriage, there was a conversation that left me thinking. (Let me stop here and note that I have not been trying to convince him to marry me; I've got too much pride and too many options to beg for something like that! LOL) The majority of the conversations have been about why he was fearful or weary of marriage. He gave the typical "Women change/stop giving head/having sex on the regular" excuse for the longest, before finally saying that the commitment was huge and not something that he'd want to go into lightly.


But then he asked me, "Why do you want to get married? What's the benefit for you?"

Initially I wanted to dismiss it as a silly rebuttal, but once I thought about it I had to ask myself the same thing. Really, what is the benefit of me getting married? If I was thinking of starting a family, I would definitely want to be married; but kids are out. Can't really say it's for the financial security; I'm working on that on my own. Plus the likelihood of marrying someone whose credit is as high or higher than mine is low, so that would mean I'd take a hit. I love the emotional security that marriage is supposed to afford, but we all know that marriage is no guarantee of that (just like not being married doesn't mean you won't have it). Tax break? Meh, from what I've read it doesn't amount to a whole lot. I've got insurance from work, got guns for protection. And of course I could look at it from the religious standpoint of needing to be married to do the do without working about eternal damnation and hell fire, but considering my... evolving religious beliefs, I'm not sure how that ties in. Plus, wouldn't marrying just to have sex be wrong? While I still need a man, what is the need for a husband?

But like so many things, even though I feel like I don't need it, I want it. The "want" of marriage for me is knowing that I have such a strong connection (spiritually, physically and mentally) with someone that he is willing to say "You make me so happy that I want to stand before God and the world, vowing to make this work until I take my last breath."

Bartender says I'm still young and naive to how the world works. I tell him that marriage, like anything else, is what one makes of it.

pic courtesy of

Morning Randomness: On Handwritten Letters

Since my parents preparing for their move whenever they finally decide on a house I've started the process of cleaning, packing, and throwing things away. I'm tackling my room in sections, because somehow, over the years, I've accumulated a lot of stuff.

While going through a drawer that I'd basically forgotten about, I ran across a big yellow envelope. Even though I hadn't seen or thought about it in years, I knew exactly what it was. The envelope is filled with notes and love letters from back in the day when keeping in touch wasn't just a Facebook post or tweet away. Some of these were passed to me in high school (one of which was from a female friend. I didn't realize was an "I like you" note until way after the fact.) Some were mailed from old boyfriends and interests. A few quick notes from a friend going through Naval training.

One was a note left stuck to my front door... That one was kinda special. It was from my first. Years after he moved away, the summer after I'd graduated from college, he was in town and stopped by to see me. Unfortunately, I was out on my job hunt. He left a quick little note:

"Hey Tori, this is [Mr. Magic Voice's real name].
Every time I try to see you, you're nowhere to be found.
I miss you."

It was cute and a little cheesy that he made it rhyme and... I dunno. It was special to me.

I kinda miss the anticipation of getting a letter from someone I love, the feeling of knowing that they took the time to sit down and write--not type--something just for me.