Thursday, April 15, 2010

The Compromise

Which would you choose: "complete" freedom or financial freedom?

FAWOHODIE: independence, freedom, emancipation From the expression: Fawodhodie ene obre na enam.
Literal translation: "Independence comes with its responsibilities."

The other night I was out with a friend and the conversation turned to my living situation & how it's not really conducive to someone with a burgeoning career and (would be) active social life. "Why don't you just tell them 'I'm grown and I'll be back eventually'?" he says. After all, I am damn near 25, an adult by any standard. I've proved that I am responsible: same job almost two years (huge accomplishment for me), paying my few bills on time & without having to ask for help, putting away money in savings, not getting knocked up or addicted to anything. My relationship with alcohol is not an addiction; I can quit whenever I want! I shouldn't have to deal with questions about where I am, where I'm going, who I'm going with, what am I doing out so late, etc. It's especially hard to deal with considering the fact that I was on campus on college. I would come & go as I pleased, damn checking in with anyone!

But now I'm back under their roof & their rules. Rules that haven't changed much since I was in high school. :-/ Well, I take that back. It's not that bad. At least now I get to go, where as back then I was mostly confined to my cell the house. The thing now is the calling... Calling to see where I am, the requests to check-in... Ugh, they make me wish I didn't even have a cell phone! I understand their concern, especially after that crazy broad popped up at my house that one time... But still, concern only goes so far before it's just plain overbearing. And then the interrogation that happens if I'm not where they think I should be or with folks they know of, etc. is crazy. I shouldn't have to lie & sneak around like a teenager just to keep the peace!

But there is a reason I put up with it. Simply put, my bank account benefits from me being able to tolerate my folks. I'm not paying one single bill that I didn't create. No helping with the groceries, phone/internet, electricity, water, nada. And of course, the biggie: no rent! If I had to pay all of those things, the little money I save would be gone. My shoe fund would be nonexistent. I wouldn't go out. Trips like my upcoming cruise to the Bahamas would be out of the question, because where would I get that money from? And I know you're thinking, "Didn't you just start a second job? What about that?" Yes, I'm starting my real estate career but guess what? It takes money to start, to market yourself! And that would also be out of the question if I was paying bills. I have it quite good when it comes to my money. And I'm definitely appreciative of that. Why would I mess it up by going off and telling them how grown I am even though I do it daily--in my head?

As generous as my parents are, they don't take shit like that lightly. I'd be showing them just how grown I was on the other side of that door. Now make no mistake, this wouldn't be a problem. I've thought this scenario out hundreds of times and have several ways to go about taking care of myself should it come to that. (Ladies and gentlemen, ALWAYS have a contingency plan!) But it wouldn't be the comfortable existence that I currently have. Along with that, getting a place here kind of carries a certain... ominous feel. Yeah I could get an apartment, which wouldn't be too bad, but I'd be losing out on money, which would mean losing some freedom cuz of my responsibilities. And I could get a house, but that just seems so... permanent. I still want to move (depending on the direction of my career and my relationship). So why not just deal with it for a few more months?

I want to move by December, but I should know what I'm gonna do by maybe October. If it looks like I'm stuck here, I'll break down and get a condo. Until then, I can handle them. I think. Check back with me in a month and see if I'm still saying that...

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Get Out of My Head!!

For the past five, count them- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 -nights in a row, an ex has bum-rushed his way into my dreams. I don't know why; it's not like I've spent any waking time thinking about him (except to question why he was in my dreams the night before). It's pissing me off because he's progressively becoming active in the dreams. The first night he was just there as part of the crowd. Last night he was in my room brushing & smelling my hair (which was back to it's former long & silky state). Why won't dream me just run over dream-ex with a car or something?! I wonder what it's supposed to mean, or whether it means anything at all. Whenever I look up symbols to try to interpret the dreams, I don't find anything really helpful. They all say that something or someone is currently making me feel like I did during that relationship & that it may be a warning not to fall into old patterns. Well I've got nothing for that, considering that I'm not feeling anything like I was then. So what's the deal? I know some of y'all are into interpreting dreams & whatnot... Got any ideas? Gotta figure out something to keep him from barging in on my subconscious!

Sunday, April 11, 2010

Priority Shift

When did it happen for you?
When did your focus shift to what you were meant to do and how to go about doing it?
When did you realize that it was truly "now or never," that if there was ever a time to walk in your destiny, this was it?

For me, it was this past week, when I actually took my first steps towards my career. I've finally taken my real estate exam and I'm now a Realtor and sales agent with the agency that was #1 on my list. Since Tuesday when the broker shook my hand and said "Welcome aboard," I've come to realize even more than before that this is definitely an investment. This isn't just something for me to jump into. And why should it be? This is my dream, something I've been wanting to do for the longest. And although "the best things in life are free," nothing worth having comes easily.

Now my time, energy, focus, and yes my money are going to something meaningful, not just the frivolous things I wasted them on before. It's like I've suddenly been hit with the fact that I really have to "grow up" as far as my work ethic, my spending, etc. Not to say that I've been immature before now (not always, anyway). But realizing that what I'll get from this is 98% dependent on what I put into it, that kinda changes my perspective. And what's crazy is that I'm sooo lazy, like the ultimate couch potato. I love just lounging around doing nothing until I get bored and have to go shopping... or eating. But when it comes to work, to grinding and getting mine, I have no problem doing just that because I know nothing is just gonna fall in my lap. And now that I have this extra push, this career where I determine my own success? I'm in beast mode; unstoppable.

Sunday, April 4, 2010

"My Religion is Better than Your Religion!"

This is the image in my head when I hear/read religious "debate."
I'm a little late, but Happy Easter to my Christian readers and happy Sunday to the rest. This morning while I should have been getting ready for church, I was on Twitter and the back & forth was ridiculous! I do not understand why people want to turn a religious holiday into a debate about who has the better religion and why other people are dumb for choosing to believe something different.

I know it's human nature to want to feel superior to others, to think that we are smarter and make better decisions. But can anyone tell me what satisfaction one gets from belittling someone else's beliefs? If my choice of who/what/how to worship does not directly and adversely affect you, why take it upon yourself to criticize what I do?

Even when trying to change people's minds in the name of converting them, condemning what they believe rarely produces positive results. Think about it. Many of us adhere to whatever religious upbringing we had. Those who choose to follow a different path probably did so through much thought, meditation, found something they could connect with or were majorly influenced by someone/something. Do you really think insulting that is going to "show them the light" and make them change? Trust me, coming at people like that will turn them off quicker than anything.

So if anyone can explain this to me, please do. What do you get from condemning my beliefs? Is it just a thing to make you feel good about yourself, or is it a genuine yet misguided attempt at "helping" others? Let a sista know!

Saturday, April 3, 2010

A bit of randomness: I Won't Say It First

Regardless of what I think I'm feeling. No matter what happens. Even if I'm on the brink.

I absolutely will not say "I love you" first. Not on purpose, at least. I can recall one occasion when it slipped out. I played it off though. Two points for me.

I don't really know how this decision came about. I guess I've kinda conditioned myself to believe that whoever says it first puts themselves at a disadvantage. All of their cards are out. They've basically admitted that the other person, in essence, has them. Upper hand: guy/girl that held out. If they're a manipulative MFer then that could get really ugly really quickly. Of course, they could always yell "Ohmuhgawd I love you too snookums" and commence in a mushy make out scene. *shrug*

Anyway, I've always felt that if a guy loves me, he'll tell me. In actions first, then when he's comfortable, in words. I hate the idea of putting it all out there and not knowing what kind of reaction I'll get.

So to any boos, potential suitors, future husband, etc.: I may feel it (or think I do). I may express it in whatever non-verbal ways I can. Or I may just start acting weird, depending on the situation (just being honest lol). But until you say those three fatal little words, neither will I.

Friday, April 2, 2010

If my blog was a child, I'd be in jail for neglect.

Can y'all believe I got called out for my lack of posting? LOL I mean, yeah I've been a little slack but still... I have my excuses reasons! I really wish I could say that it was just because I've been soooo busy. And honestly, I have been very busy. Work, grad school, working with my grad chapter, studying for the real estate exam (passed!), subsequently meeting with potential brokers... Free time is one thing that I don't have much of.  But it's more than that. It's been stress, and laziness, and being inspired to write at the most inconvenient times. I have several things that I started to write, and even more topics rattling around in my head to write about. But on the rare occasion that I sit down to post... nothing. I can't think of anything to say, or how to express what I'm thinking in a way that it's not just crazy "Tori D. speak."

I refuse to make another promise to do better. Hell, I never know what's gonna happen from one day to the next, so who knows when I'll ever get to write consistently? There will be a couple of posts today/over the next few days (if nothing out of the way happens), but after then, it's whatever...

But hey, the blog has a look! Got a new background, switched up the layout... Can that count for something? *hopeful smile*