Monday, June 29, 2009

Another Myspace Oldie but Goodie: The Good Girl vs. The Bitch

Current mood: angsty
Category: Romance and Relationships

Warning: this post is full of cynicism, bitterness, and sarcasm. These are just random thoughts of mine. If you think anything said is applicable to you, examine yourself to figure out why. Don't be mad at me. Or be mad. I couldn't care less.

This is something that i've discussed with female friends before. I've observed it in my own life and in the lives of others. I've attempted to discuss it with male friends, but they all deny what i know to be true, which is this: A lot of guys pass up on the good girls to be with the b*****. Of course i'm not saying all of them, but i'm convinced its the overwhelming majority. Whether they choose to be with them or are with them through circumstance is not the issue.

There are two types of b****es that i've seen when it comes to men. There's the one that doesn't really care about him, treats him like crap, uses him for what he's worth, and doesn't mind sleeping around while they're together. For some reason, a lotta guys run up behind these b****es like puppies, there at their beck and call. It's almost like they are blinded to who these girls really are. They see a pristine princess when the rest of the world sees a trifling whore.

The second b**** is more common, at least from what I've seen. These are the one who will use any and every lie, trick, trap and deception to keep a man. I personally know of four really good guys trapped with babies. There are the ones who use blackmail and threats to keep men (yes, it's that serious i guess!). And (from what i've seen and been told) the guy will stick around and try to "make it work" even if there is no love there. Why? In what universe does this make sense? And although i wonder what kind of relationship could they possibly have if they are not both actually 100% willing, so far i've seen them make it work. at least for a while...

And then there are the good girls. The intelligent, hard-working women who aren't looking for handouts. The women who know what it means to be independent but can still be supported and be a support to her mate. Those progressive, modern women who can still slip easily into that traditional nurturing role. Shoot, i'm not afraid to say it, women like ME! lol I hear the same things over and over: "i should've stayed with you." "i made the wrong decision." "i wish i could find someone like you." And at those moments i can't help having the booboo face. I really wanna say, "did you really think a b**** would do you better?" But me being the good girl that i am, i'm the listening ear for all their whining, the shoulder to cry on when they try to figure out why a b**** is acting like a b****, the dispenser of advice on how to either deal with it or leave the b**** alone, the one that's forgotten when they go back to the b****.

i wonder what they could possibly see in these dumb broads? Or maybe i shouldn't call them dumb; perhaps they know something i don't. Maybe they know that all the advice that i've heard all my life about men and love and relationships is just WRONG. Or maybe i haven't seen it thru long enough to know that it doesn't actually work out for the b****es. Who knows.

I said before elsewhere that just because someone is looking for a good person and you are a good person, that doesn't mean you're the good person for them. And i know that to be true. But there are so many who say they want the good girl and end up with the b****.

Inner Conflict (another Myspace Transplant)

Originally posted on Myspace in September of 2008, but damn if I don't still feel the same way...

Current mood: morose
Category: Religion and Philosophy
this probably seems rambly or whatever (dunno if that's a real word) but whatever, gotta get it off my chest.

okay, so I have a dilemma... an inner conflict, if you will. I'm beginning to wonder if the things that I've been taught all my life is actually true. I'm questioning the teaching I've heard about God. not doubting his existence or anything like that, but just wondering if he really cares like they say. why would he even be bothered with the little things? I personally don't think he is, cuz I'm not seeing it in my life. and if he is as concerned as people make him out to be, why is it that some people get away with everything when they could care less about doing right while people who at least somewhat try to be right have to deal with so much? how come, even though I pay tithes & offerings & give those special offerings where they tell you God will bless you, but I can't even pay all of my bills? meanwhile, folks around me who ain't thinkin about giving God a tenth are doing way better than me. why do simple prayers go unanswered? but I'm supposed to think that he cares and loves me and wants me to be happy in him. why is it that I can feel so alone but believe that "He'll never leave me or forsake me." and then I'm supposed to get up and convincingly sing something that I'm doubting because I haven't experienced it myself...

honestly I'm kinda tired. tired of church, tired of listening to teaching from folks who either have never been where I am or refuse to admit it. maybe nothing is going right because I'm just not making it work. instead of waiting for God, maybe he's waiting on me. "God helps those who help themselves" may be true after all. as much as I would like to believe what I hear at church & what I sing in the choir, I'm doubtful cuz I can't see it for myself.

Monday, June 22, 2009

"Back in the day, when i was young... i'm not a kid anymore..." OR "I wanna throw tantrums, too!"

I feel a lot of randomness in me today and feel the need to get it out. And this is something that I just need to get off my chest. *deep breath* I know there's nothing like being on your grown woman ish, and of course for years I bemoaned that I was ready to be "all grown up" and whatnot. However, now that I am an adult and facing the real world I heard so much about, I realize that--on occasion--I would love to revert back to childhood. And not even childhood in it's totality, just little pieces of that age that I want to get back. Pieces such as...


That's right, I wanna throw tantrums every now and then! I mean really, what do 5 year olds have to throw a tantrum about? Not getting candy? Eff that. Dealing with a less-than-satisfying job, grad school issues, parental drama, relationship ups & downs, bills bills and more bills with not enough money to pay for it all, health issues... Yeah, I think I, and adults in general, have the right to throw a tantrum. And yeah, I do my little virtual verbal tantrums here from time to time, but I mean a full on, fall to the floor, kicking, screaming, crying, dead weight tantrum. (If you've ever tried to pick up a child in the middle of a tantrum and had them just go limp on you, you know EXACTLY what I mean about the dead weight!)

Nap Time

It's so weird: Back in kindergarten when we were given naps in the middle of the day, I usually couldn't sleep. I'd be up talking to my neighbor, or watching everyone else. These days, I'd love to get that. I mean, a soft mat AND lights off? What?! And not having to choose between eating or sleeping, like I do now when I sneak in a nap on my lunch break. 30 minutes of dark quietness is all I need. I think I'd be a bit happier at work if I knew I could get that.


Admittedly, I'm not an outdoors type chick. However, was there anything better than fresh air and sunshine after being cooped up all day? The wind in your hair as you go down the slide. Playing house. Mother May I, Red light green light stop, Hide & go seek. Those were the days! Of course, all that stuff required a level of friendliness and sociability that I'd just rather not show these days... Maybe I should scratch this one off the list.


Because really, who doesn't like something new and shiny to play with? Really, I shouldn't even have this on the list as a "back in the day" thing, because I stay in pursuit of a new toy. I've always been a gadget girl; I never asked for dolls and the few I was given were rarely played with. Instead, I loved anything that beeped, lit up, or had buttons. And I guess I'm still the same way: always looking for and dreaming about my next tech toy.

Being Carefree

When you were little, did you wonder where your next meal was coming from, or did you just go into the kitchen expecting cookies? Did you wonder whether the light bill had been paid, or did you just assume that whenever you turned on the tv it would come on, no matter what? Didn't you think that the people in your life were true friends & that they'd always be there? Of course I know that in some cases, the answers to these questions would be different from mine, but for the overwhelming majority of us, we had it pretty darn good. Not really having any major worries, everything being calm after a little coloring... what I wouldn't give to go back to that state!

You know what? Eff it. When I get off work, I'm going to get a coloring book & a 64-count box of crayons (Is that the biggest box now? and how does Crayola keep coming up with more colors?) and color to my hearts content. Maybe even color outside the lines a little. Maybe that's the little throwback my sanity needs. :)

Sunday, June 21, 2009

My Qualm with Christians

I had to rename this post. At first it was "My Qualm with Christianity," but then I realized that it's not the institution of Christianity itself that I take issue with. I must say that I am not on of those people who are anti-Christianity. I am not trying to convert anyone to anything else, nor am I pondering another religion myself. I'm not downing anyone's beliefs, nor am I condemning or making fun of Christians. Shoot, I am a Christian (by belief more so than lifestyle)! But there are some things that so-called Christians do that baffle, disgust and embarrass me. So here are my top three.

1. Not admitting that some stuff just doesn't add up.
One thing I learned from my finance professor last semester (the only thing, actually) is that it's okay to say "I don't know." But for some reason, a lot of Christians seem to not accept this. I mean, let's be real. There is quite a bit of stuff in the Bible that contradicts itself. And considering the fact that A) it was all written by men, despite being divinely inspired, B) it was written by many people over the course of many years, and C) we may not have every book that was intended to be in the Bible, it's not hard to understand why. But it's better to admit that you don't understand some things than to try to explain things to others and let them trip you up (or even worse, tripping yourself up). Even according to the Bible, right now we only see things as "through a glass, darkly," (I Corinthians 13:12) meaning we don't have full understanding. And it's okay to admit that, I promise.

2. Christians are too quick to condemn others.
Different religion? Going to hell. Gay? Going to hell. Greek? Hell. Listen to anything other than gospel or Christian music? You, too, will burn. It seems as if so many "Christians" are focused on condemning those that are not like them or those that they don't understand, that they fail to actually exemplify the love that is supposed to draw others to Christ. I'm not saying that nothing should be taught about hell. After all, if we truly believe that it's the consequence for not following the right path, then by all means we should warn against it. But there is a huge difference in warning against hell and dooming everyone & everything you don't like to hell without even offering a better way to them. If you've already made it seem like there's no help for me, like your God can't save me, why should I come to you or Him for help? A lot of Christians don't see that their attitudes and actions are more of a hindrance than a help when it comes to drawing people.

3. Intolerance, intolerance, intolerance

This kinda ties in to the second point. I know Christians are taught to believe that the only way to salvation is through Jesus Christ. I don't disagree with that at all; that's what I've been taught and that's what I believe. However, that doesn't mean that other religions are without merit. For example, I've heard people argue up and down that the idea of Karma, at its core, is the same as the Golden Rule. Although they both deal with the fact that what someone does to others will come back to him/her, some Christians will say that it's pointless or even evil because it is a part of Hinduism. And amazingly, Christianity is one of the few religions that I've found, to be so absolute in its rigidity. While many others encourage enlightenment and doesn't condemn one for learning about and incorporating elements of other faiths, Christians feel that religion is very cut and dry. It's a very "my way or the highway" type of mindset. But what about the passage in the Bible that says, "And other sheep I have, which are not of this fold: them also I must bring, and they shall hear my voice; and there shall be one fold, and one shepherd." (John 10:16) I've heard this scripture in reference to different Christian denominations, but who is to say that this doesn't extend to other religions as well?

I don't know, maybe right now I'm having a slight conflict with my faith. The older people in my church would say I've gotten too smart for my own good since I now question and disagree with certain things I see and hear. But it's not just thinking I'm too smart for this, or rebellion, or anything of that nature. I just don't understand a lot of things within Christianity, and especially with Christians themselves. I want to understand. After all, "Wisdom is the principal thing; therefore get wisdom: and with all thy getting get understanding." (Proverbs 4:7)

I like your Christ. It's your Christians that I disagree with. Your Christians
are so unlike your Christ.-Ghandi

*Note: Although I reference other religions and make some broad comparisions, I do not claim to be an expert in religion. I've done rudimentary studies into other religions for my personal enjoyment, but I could very well be wrong about some things. If you have an opposing view or can clear up anything I may have muddled up, feel free to comment. I always welcome more knowledge!

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

"Young, Fat and Fabulous"

So Monday on my self prescribed Mental Health Day, I saw a story on Good Morning America titled "Young, Fat and Fabulous." It was basically about what they considered a growing trend of young women "shunning yo-yo dieting" and accepting themselves as they are, some merely plus-size, some nearing obesity.

Rather interesting stuff to me, although the concept isn’t really new for me. All my life, even though I’ve been exposed to the same propaganda that says “To be attractive you have to be thin” and was told by “concerned” relatives and family friends that I wouldn’t get anyone being my size, I’ve never had the desire to be skinny. True, I’ve wanted to be smaller, for various reasons. But even my ideal weight would be teetering the line of obesity according to the BMI charts I’ve seen. (“They” say I should be somewhere between 120-160. I think I’d look like a skeleton if I lost 100+ lbs. I’d be straight losing about 35lbs; ideally, 60.)

Maybe my attitude comes from the fact that many black women, and especially black women in the south, have been subscribing to this school of thought for many many years. Having some extra meat isn’t really much of a problem here. I mean, of course you have those who are going to make the fat girl jokes here too, but I’ve never felt odd about my size because the women around me looked more like me than the models in magazines. And while I was told “no man is gonna want you if you’re fat,” I also got hip to “Only a dog wants a bone.” Contradictory? Of course! But in addition to—and in spite of—all that, I learned that my beauty & self-worth was predicated on more than whether I could squeeze into a single digit size or how men saw me. So, as I said, the idea of embracing who you are and rejecting the widely accepted idea of what you should look like is nothing new to me.

So kudos to these women for accepting themselves as they are. As long as they are healthy (which they say their doctors have verified) and they are happy, I say, “Do you!”

Link to the article:
'Young, Fat and Fabulous' Shun Yo-Yo Diets - ABC News

Shared via AddThis

Bonus Link: Plus Sizes disappearing even though Americans are still fat... Why?

Thursday, June 11, 2009

Tori D.'s Weird Dreams

I am no stranger to the wonderful world of weird and wacky dreams. I love delving into what they mean, because a lot of times my dreams either come true almost exactly like they happened in the dream (especially if I have it more than once) or warn me of decisions & their possible outcomes. Strange, yes, but I love it.

So recently I've had several strange dreams. Since I'm bad about remembering dreams, I only have two to share today. The thing is, I'm not sure what these dreams are saying or if they do indeed mean anything. They may just be the product of my mind sifting through the randomness of the day, who knows. But anyway, here goes:

1. I was walking down the street with a group of friends when we saw a wedding party walking down the street into a quaint little church in the middle of a downtown area. One of my friends asked, "You know (i forget the guy's name) is getting married right?" Apparently it was someone I was crushing on. I ran behind the wedding party, and sure enough, it was him. I tried to get in to see the wedding, but the doors were locked behind them and inside it was standing room only. My friends and I left, and we went out to eat and talk. When I got back to my hotel, the wedding party was taking pictures in the lobby. Somehow, I had on the exact same dress that the bridesmaids had. I tried to bypass the group, but I couldn't get to the elevator without walking right through the area. I glanced at the groom, who kind of smiled & then looked at the bride, who was giving me the evil eye. I quickly got on the glass elevator and watched them watch me from below.

2. The second dream is a little fuzzy. I remember leaving work and I was supposed to be going out to eat with Ikey Baybee. We ended up at a Chuck E. Cheese type place with some other adults & their kids running around. I had to excuse myself from the table for a second, and when I returned there was a Middle Eastern woman sitting in my seat by him. (I assume she was Middle Eastern due to her skin tone, accent, and the fact that she had her head & most of her face covered). I asked why she was in my seat, but neither one of them responded. When I looked at Ikey Baybee, he had on a big black turban. They were leaned in closely, whispering and laughing. I sat at a table behind them for a while, leaning in, straining to hear them. Finally I gave up and went home. For some reason, there was also a car chase through an airport, but I'm not sure how that came into place...

Anyway, this is just proof that even in my subconscious, I'm about as random as they come. But what if there is a deeper meaning? And if there is one, what is it? I would love to know!

Tuesday, June 9, 2009

untitled poem

written back in April; dunno why it never made its way here before today.

your grasp
used to be much tighter,
but now i feel it
the more i try to hold on
the less of a grip i have
so my options now:
pull away
or wait
for you
to let



Monday, June 8, 2009

From Myspace: "Being A Better Person"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Last night I had a convo with Ikey Baybee that really got me to thinking. The convo started like this: I made a comment that I was lucky to have met him and he says, "No, luck is for those without faith. For those of us who believe in a higher power, nothing is luck or happens by chance. It was purposed." So it goes into if there is a higher to us being together other than making each other happy and eventually starting a family. From there I asked if he knew what calling God has on his life; he explained that he does. I tell him that for a while I've been trying to figure out just what God wants me to do. Then he explains something that I certainly must have been hearing all my life but apparently never really gave much thought to. He says that God is not going to burden you with a ministry when your life isn't even in order yet. The focus should be on perfecting your walk with God and in time He will reveal the work He has for us to do.

It's interesting that we discussed that, because for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about the fact that I need to straighten up. I need to start living the way that I have been taught. Lately I haven't been doing nearly as much; partially because I'm trying to make a change, mostly because I'm committed to this relationship with Isaac, so I'm removing myself from my biggest temptation: sex. But even with me making small improvements, I know there is so much more that needs to change.

The big issue is how do I reconcile the woman I have become with the woman God wants me to be? Some of the things are comparatively easy to resolve, like the cursing, the temper, things like that. But some things are not as simple as shaking it off. It goes back to sex, my biggest temptation. I am a very sexual person. I love sex, I have great sex, and I'm very open and unashamed of it. So how do I put away something that is such an integral part of me? Right now I'm not doing anything because boo isn't here, but if he was, what would keep me from sleeping with him? Knowing its wrong has not been a strong enough deterrent in the past, but I would much rather be able to stop on my own than for something to happen and force me to stop... Yet and still the desire to satisfy and be satisfied sexually is not one that is easily ignored.

And there are so many questions that would arise from the decision to be celibate until marriage, if I decide to do so. Questions like: If I decide not to have sex, would he be okay with that? Would there be pressure to give in? Would he go looking for it from someone else? Would he end up leaving me all together? How far could we actually go without crossing the line? Would he feel like I was rejecting him if I didn't have sex with him? If we did it and then I decided to stop, what would his reaction be? Despite those questions, I'm still leaning towards waiting. I want him so bad, but I truly believe that he is the one I am meant to be with and I don't want to do anything to mess that up. I'm afraid that if we did it, knowing it's against God's will, we may be ruining something perfect.

There are a lotta things that I don't want to mess up. I know that for some reason God has shown me favor in many aspects of my life. Of course nothing I've done warranted that, but my actions are those of an ingrate. That is not the case. I'm just not sure anymore of how to be a better person. "When I would do good, evil is all around me..."

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Will There Be Justice???

According to the article an article on, Rail Cop Admits Oakland Man Posed No Threat Before He Was Shot, Officer Anthony Pirone has testified that Oscar Grant posed no threat to anyone when he was executed by officer Johannes Mehserle. This is definitely a no shit moment for anyone who saw the video. I'm not really going to say anything about this right now, I'm just ready to see what will happen now that one of his fellow officers has basically said that the shooting was completely unnecessary. Will justice be served, or will another white man with a badge get away with murdering an innocent young black man?

Saturday, June 6, 2009

"15 Relationship Mistakes Women Make"

I read this article on Shine the other day. It was kinda informative, even though some of it was "old hat," as one of my teachers used to say. Unfortunately, although I consider myself to be an awesome girlfriend, I did find myself in a few of these. Oops.
I'll pull out the few that I felt applied to me. I guess Ikey Baybee would be able to tell me if any of the others fit me, although he'd be smart not to do it in public! lol If you want to read the full article, you can find it here.

3. Thinking our partners must be interested in everything we do, think and say. When it comes down to it, we zone out when men talk about circuit boards, right? Having a best friend or gab partner outside a relationship is a good thing.

5. Putting so much energy into the idea of a fairy-tale romance that we're disappointed with anything less.

10. Using the silent treatment. Our partners can't read our minds; he won't know what's wrong unless we sack up and tell him.

14. Over-analyzing. There's analysis and then there's over-analysis. Wondering why the fiance didn't call once during his bachelor weekend in Vegas? A legitimate case for analysis. Wondering why he only called twice and not three times during a guys' night out? Not so much.

Four out of fifteen isn't too bad... right?

Friday, June 5, 2009


I'm not really sure what just triggered this memory. Maybe it was thinking about the uncanny resemblance to the young woman playing the role of Precious in the movie with the same name that's coming out later this year. Maybe it's this convo I'm reading online about crackheads. I don't know.

But for some reason, a really disturbing memory came to mind just now. It happened during my junior year of high school, when I was in a Clothing & Textiles class at CDC. There was a girl in the class who was morbidly obese. The main things I remembered about her was that her wardrobe was pretty limited and that she was usually quite jovial.

However, there was one conversation I heard her have with some other classmates that stuck with me. She was really upset; apparently a comment had been made about her size. A joke was made that at least she wasn't "crackhead skinny," and she replied that if she knew someone to supply her with some crack cocaine, she would take it in hopes of losing weight. There was laughter. Someone mentioned that they knew someone, and she said to have them call her. A few people commented that she really didn't want to do that. She kind of laughed, but the look on her face told that she was n0t playing. She was distraught; she was embarrassed; she was desperate. This was about more than just her weight. Her self-esteem was gone and she was willing to do whatever it took to be accepted, thinking if others liked her appearance more, she would like herself more.

Although I know our classmates didn't hook her up with any pushers, I wonder if she followed through with that on her own. At the time, I didn't think too much about it. I guess I thought that she would never do it because I would never do it. (That was the scope of my thinking at the time) But now I have so many questions. How did she reach such a point in the first place? Was any attempt made to help her get control of her weight? What about the mental aspect; has anyone in her life made an attempt to help her seek counselling concerning her self destructive thoughts? Has she made any changes, mentally and/or physically, or is she still in the same shape that she was seven years ago?

I wish I'd said something. I know you can't always save the world, but maybe some kind of encouraging word from a fellow fat girl would've helped. Then again, maybe I would've been brushed off. At this point, I'll really never know.

But it does make me realize even more that I really want to pursue the nonprofit that I always said I would start once I became successful (financially/business-wise). I want to create an organization that reaches out to young girls, especially underprivileged black girls. I want them to have positive role models who look like them, teaching them about self-esteem, beauty, health, educational opportunities, business, finances. I want to help them become happy, well-rounded & well-adjusted individuals. I recently came across a nonprofit org that is doing most of this now, Sisterhood Agenda. I was happy to see that the need that I've noticed is being addressed by others. I cannot wait until I'm able to fully participate in something of that magnitude. In the meantime, I'm going to start trying to be a positive influence for those younger girls that I do see, starting with my younger cousins. I don't want them or anyone else to experience that type of desperation when they don't have to.

Thursday, June 4, 2009


Since no one actually reads this, and since I'm up late with nothing to do, I think I'll use this time to confess five things that I haven't been too honest with myself about. Or at least not honest enough to make it (potentially) public. Anyway, here goes:

1. I'm a little paranoid. Not over the usual stuff that paranoid people are worried about; I don't think anyone is following me or that the government is going to allow an alien invasion or crap like that. But when it comes to relationships, I'm a little paranoid because I always fear that my partner will tire of me, or worse-- find someone better. I dunno if its because I'm scared of karma coming back from stuff I've done in the past or if I doubt whether most guys actually have the ability and willpower to choose and be satisfied with one woman. Maybe a bit of both.

2. I'm jealous of people who know what they want to do with their lives. Happy for them, but jealous nonetheless. So far I haven't discovered any career (besides the one I dreamed about a long long time ago) that makes me say, "Yes! I want to do this! I could do this for free because I enjoy it." Nothing that I'm actually passionate about or that makes me feel like I have some purpose. That's a little upsetting, because I don't want to be one of those people who works just to earn a living. I want to do something that impacts me so that I make some sort of impact on others AND earn a great living. So yeah, when people prattle on about what they're doing & moves they're making, the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. I try not to let it show, though.

3. Faith is not a concept that I grasp easily. I try to have faith, but I battle doubt a lot. However, it is something I'm working on. Hopefully God will be patient with me.

4. Even though I really want to lose weight and am working towards that, part of me is apprehensive about it because I have a lot of cute clothes and undies that I won't be able to fit if I lose weight. LOL I am serious! I know it sounds crazy and of course I can buy new clothes once I drop a couple pounds, but I like the clothes & undies I have. Plus, I consider myself to be on a mission. I want to show the world that being a big girl does not mean that you have to be frumpy, dumpy, matronly or out of style. I'm a voluptuous woman that dresses to accentuate the good and downplay the bad, so that I can stand toe to toe with any tiny little thang and still shine.

5. I have finally admitted to myself that I am indeed a packrat. And a junky one at that. I have a lot of stuff that has some sort of sentimental value to me, and I find it hard to part with them. This is especially true of old papers that I wrote and things from elementary school. I don't know why it's so hard to let them go, but it is. I guess I see them as a herald of better, simpler days. And then there's all the stuff that I keep "just in case I need this later." Receipts, old bills, random letters that may or may not be important, forwarded emails, you name it! But, there is hope: I have been learning to throw away things, usually within a reasonable time (like a week!) and I've been going through old stuff and throwing/giving away a lot. So yay!