Thursday, June 4, 2009


Since no one actually reads this, and since I'm up late with nothing to do, I think I'll use this time to confess five things that I haven't been too honest with myself about. Or at least not honest enough to make it (potentially) public. Anyway, here goes:

1. I'm a little paranoid. Not over the usual stuff that paranoid people are worried about; I don't think anyone is following me or that the government is going to allow an alien invasion or crap like that. But when it comes to relationships, I'm a little paranoid because I always fear that my partner will tire of me, or worse-- find someone better. I dunno if its because I'm scared of karma coming back from stuff I've done in the past or if I doubt whether most guys actually have the ability and willpower to choose and be satisfied with one woman. Maybe a bit of both.

2. I'm jealous of people who know what they want to do with their lives. Happy for them, but jealous nonetheless. So far I haven't discovered any career (besides the one I dreamed about a long long time ago) that makes me say, "Yes! I want to do this! I could do this for free because I enjoy it." Nothing that I'm actually passionate about or that makes me feel like I have some purpose. That's a little upsetting, because I don't want to be one of those people who works just to earn a living. I want to do something that impacts me so that I make some sort of impact on others AND earn a great living. So yeah, when people prattle on about what they're doing & moves they're making, the green-eyed monster rears its ugly head. I try not to let it show, though.

3. Faith is not a concept that I grasp easily. I try to have faith, but I battle doubt a lot. However, it is something I'm working on. Hopefully God will be patient with me.

4. Even though I really want to lose weight and am working towards that, part of me is apprehensive about it because I have a lot of cute clothes and undies that I won't be able to fit if I lose weight. LOL I am serious! I know it sounds crazy and of course I can buy new clothes once I drop a couple pounds, but I like the clothes & undies I have. Plus, I consider myself to be on a mission. I want to show the world that being a big girl does not mean that you have to be frumpy, dumpy, matronly or out of style. I'm a voluptuous woman that dresses to accentuate the good and downplay the bad, so that I can stand toe to toe with any tiny little thang and still shine.

5. I have finally admitted to myself that I am indeed a packrat. And a junky one at that. I have a lot of stuff that has some sort of sentimental value to me, and I find it hard to part with them. This is especially true of old papers that I wrote and things from elementary school. I don't know why it's so hard to let them go, but it is. I guess I see them as a herald of better, simpler days. And then there's all the stuff that I keep "just in case I need this later." Receipts, old bills, random letters that may or may not be important, forwarded emails, you name it! But, there is hope: I have been learning to throw away things, usually within a reasonable time (like a week!) and I've been going through old stuff and throwing/giving away a lot. So yay!

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