Desperation

I'm not really sure what just triggered this memory. Maybe it was thinking about the uncanny resemblance to the young woman playing the role of Precious in the movie with the same name that's coming out later this year. Maybe it's this convo I'm reading online about crackheads. I don't know.

But for some reason, a really disturbing memory came to mind just now. It happened during my junior year of high school, when I was in a Clothing & Textiles class at CDC. There was a girl in the class who was morbidly obese. The main things I remembered about her was that her wardrobe was pretty limited and that she was usually quite jovial.

However, there was one conversation I heard her have with some other classmates that stuck with me. She was really upset; apparently a comment had been made about her size. A joke was made that at least she wasn't "crackhead skinny," and she replied that if she knew someone to supply her with some crack cocaine, she would take it in hopes of losing weight. There was laughter. Someone mentioned that they knew someone, and she said to have them call her. A few people commented that she really didn't want to do that. She kind of laughed, but the look on her face told that she was n0t playing. She was distraught; she was embarrassed; she was desperate. This was about more than just her weight. Her self-esteem was gone and she was willing to do whatever it took to be accepted, thinking if others liked her appearance more, she would like herself more.

Although I know our classmates didn't hook her up with any pushers, I wonder if she followed through with that on her own. At the time, I didn't think too much about it. I guess I thought that she would never do it because I would never do it. (That was the scope of my thinking at the time) But now I have so many questions. How did she reach such a point in the first place? Was any attempt made to help her get control of her weight? What about the mental aspect; has anyone in her life made an attempt to help her seek counselling concerning her self destructive thoughts? Has she made any changes, mentally and/or physically, or is she still in the same shape that she was seven years ago?

I wish I'd said something. I know you can't always save the world, but maybe some kind of encouraging word from a fellow fat girl would've helped. Then again, maybe I would've been brushed off. At this point, I'll really never know.

But it does make me realize even more that I really want to pursue the nonprofit that I always said I would start once I became successful (financially/business-wise). I want to create an organization that reaches out to young girls, especially underprivileged black girls. I want them to have positive role models who look like them, teaching them about self-esteem, beauty, health, educational opportunities, business, finances. I want to help them become happy, well-rounded & well-adjusted individuals. I recently came across a nonprofit org that is doing most of this now, Sisterhood Agenda. I was happy to see that the need that I've noticed is being addressed by others. I cannot wait until I'm able to fully participate in something of that magnitude. In the meantime, I'm going to start trying to be a positive influence for those younger girls that I do see, starting with my younger cousins. I don't want them or anyone else to experience that type of desperation when they don't have to.