Monday, June 8, 2009

From Myspace: "Being A Better Person"

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Current mood: thoughtful
Category: Religion and Philosophy

Last night I had a convo with Ikey Baybee that really got me to thinking. The convo started like this: I made a comment that I was lucky to have met him and he says, "No, luck is for those without faith. For those of us who believe in a higher power, nothing is luck or happens by chance. It was purposed." So it goes into if there is a higher to us being together other than making each other happy and eventually starting a family. From there I asked if he knew what calling God has on his life; he explained that he does. I tell him that for a while I've been trying to figure out just what God wants me to do. Then he explains something that I certainly must have been hearing all my life but apparently never really gave much thought to. He says that God is not going to burden you with a ministry when your life isn't even in order yet. The focus should be on perfecting your walk with God and in time He will reveal the work He has for us to do.

It's interesting that we discussed that, because for the past couple of weeks I have been thinking about the fact that I need to straighten up. I need to start living the way that I have been taught. Lately I haven't been doing nearly as much; partially because I'm trying to make a change, mostly because I'm committed to this relationship with Isaac, so I'm removing myself from my biggest temptation: sex. But even with me making small improvements, I know there is so much more that needs to change.

The big issue is how do I reconcile the woman I have become with the woman God wants me to be? Some of the things are comparatively easy to resolve, like the cursing, the temper, things like that. But some things are not as simple as shaking it off. It goes back to sex, my biggest temptation. I am a very sexual person. I love sex, I have great sex, and I'm very open and unashamed of it. So how do I put away something that is such an integral part of me? Right now I'm not doing anything because boo isn't here, but if he was, what would keep me from sleeping with him? Knowing its wrong has not been a strong enough deterrent in the past, but I would much rather be able to stop on my own than for something to happen and force me to stop... Yet and still the desire to satisfy and be satisfied sexually is not one that is easily ignored.

And there are so many questions that would arise from the decision to be celibate until marriage, if I decide to do so. Questions like: If I decide not to have sex, would he be okay with that? Would there be pressure to give in? Would he go looking for it from someone else? Would he end up leaving me all together? How far could we actually go without crossing the line? Would he feel like I was rejecting him if I didn't have sex with him? If we did it and then I decided to stop, what would his reaction be? Despite those questions, I'm still leaning towards waiting. I want him so bad, but I truly believe that he is the one I am meant to be with and I don't want to do anything to mess that up. I'm afraid that if we did it, knowing it's against God's will, we may be ruining something perfect.

There are a lotta things that I don't want to mess up. I know that for some reason God has shown me favor in many aspects of my life. Of course nothing I've done warranted that, but my actions are those of an ingrate. That is not the case. I'm just not sure anymore of how to be a better person. "When I would do good, evil is all around me..."

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