I think I'm ready to talk about it now. When I tried previously, it basically just came out as this random, frustrated jumble of a temper tantrum. I think I'm able to do a little better now.
I have three main issues that are f'in with my head right now. They are actually all kinda related in a way, so I have a feeling that once I resolve one, the others will work themselves out.
Issue #1: I still do not know what I want to do with my life.
I am getting my MBA, should be finished next December. Why I'm getting it, I'm not entirely sure, except for the fact that I was told once I get it I'll be able to get more money if I continue working for the state. (However, that has been suspended until God knows when due to this lackluster economy, so I have to ask again, why am I doing this?) Thing is, I don't plan on working for the state for long. I never planned to. So now what? My professor from last semester put the PhD but in my ear. Do I pursue that? Do I really want to be in academia? Do I want to do research? (Hell no.) I'd love the breaks that would come with being a professor and assuming I got hired by a pretty good school, I'm sure I'd love the salary that goes along with it as well. But is that me? About as me as sitting in that cramped, windowless cubicle at my current job I guess. And what about real estate? I'm still interested in that, but... I'm hesitant. What if I suck at it? I already know that I'm not the greatest salesperson if I'm just trying to push something on a person, but maybe it would be different with real estate since buyers usually have some idea about what they want. But what if it's not different? What if I really just don't have what it takes? Or what if I start that and then realize that I hate it? Then what? There's only so much starting over one can do, right?
I'll let you in on something. My baby is making moves. He knows what he wants to do and is getting his ish together. Every time we talk he's talking about it. He's excited. He's following his passion. And I'm very happy for him... But I'll be honest, I am a bit jealous. (Don't judge me!) It makes the stark contrast of me not knowing what the hell I'm doing even more of an issue to me...
The other thing about what he's doing: if he's successful (which I'm sure/hopeful he will be) he'll be in VA indefinitely. So
Issue #2: I don't know how long this long distance relationship is going to be long distance.
We had a plan. A plan that essentially stuck me in MS for several more years while under the impression that he would be moving somewhere a bit closer and soon our LDR would be a medium-distance relationship, or maybe just a regular damn relationship. I stuck to my end of the deal and stayed my ass in MS at this job and in this MBA program when I really wanted to just pack up and go somewhere. Now it looks like I may have just trapped myself here alone. Like I said, I'm happy he's doing his thing, but now it's like, where does that leave me, and us? After almost two years I am still not feeling this whole "see you when i can" thing. I don't like seeing him a total of MAYBE two weeks out of the year. I hate not being able to really be there for him and have him be here for me like I want. I need something definitive to look forward to and I don't have that. If love had a purgatory, this would have to be it.
Although my friends and family have always said "Don't go running after a man," I still want to pick up and move. Just sell the little bit of stuff I've got and go. Find a place up there and look for a job once I get there. One problem though.
Issue #3: I don't make enough money.
Not enough to pick up and go. Not enough to get out of my parents' house and into my own spot. Not enough to pay bills and still have enough money to eat by the end of the month. Ever heard that term "broke as a joke?" HARDY-FREAKIN-HAR BABY!! I've just gotten to the point where I could save a little bit of money about two months ago. Second month of saving: had to dig into the savings account. So how am I gonna pick up and go across country when I can't even go across town? I have been applying to some better paying jobs around here. So far, no callbacks. Today I applied for a position at my current job. Not the increase I was looking for. Still not sure if I'd be able to afford an apartment, utilities, car note & other bills if I took it, but a little increase is better than nothing I guess. Here's hoping that something comes through...
I just feel like if I could get something going on just one end maybe the other puzzle pieces will fall into place. I've been praying for direction, but either I don't speak God or God don't speak to me, cuz so far I got nothin'. Trying to remain patient though, because I don't want to make the wrong move. However, I keep thinking of this quote:
"Patience has its limits. Take it too far, and it's cowardice."
So am I cautious or am I cowardly?
IDK, I just need this QLC to be over quickly... I'd hate to have it spill over into my MLC :-/
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