Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Who Am I Without Him

Guess what people? This is my last little catharsis post! Back to our regularly scheduled randomness tomorrow (or whenever lol)

For the past week or so, and especially the last couple of days, I have been trying to come to terms with something: My best is not good enough. At least, it's not always good enough for everyone, even when I'm foolish enough to think that someone could be satisfied with me.

I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't fat... If I hadn't cut my hair... If I was smarter or prettier or more interesting or more powerful or more decisive or more or less something I wouldn't be sitting here trying to work with my eyes overflowing with tears. Maybe if I had been better somehow he wouldn't find it bothersome to be with me. If I'd sacrificed more maybe he'd see how much he meant to me and how much I was willing to do for him and he'd want me. Perhaps if I'd been willing to drop everything and move up there he'd see... But I'm not more than what I am.... And sometimes someone wants more.

That's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I mean damn, you know what kinda blow to the ego it is when you say "Ta-da!" and present the very best you have to offer, only for the person you want to be like "mmmmm, nah, I think I'll pass." It kinda makes you back up and say "Oooooh wow, really? Let me look at this shit again!" At least, it does for me. Thing is, I don't open up too quick or too easy to many people. But when I do, I go all in. What can I say? I'm a true Taurus: passionate, loyal, and adverse to change. Why should things change when they are good the way they are? And as far as I knew, things were good.

Basically I did what I always do: I became so involved with him that I lost focus of who I am and what I want. Not a good practice, FYI. It's a hard habit to break, but trust me, I am better than I was in the past! But now I'm forced to answer the question "Who am I without him?" When I first began asking this, it was from a negative, pitiful standpoint. "Who am I without him? I must be nobody, I've got nothing." However, the more I think about the situation and my new-found singleness, I am taking it a different way.

On this evening, what would have been our second anniversary, I am determined to truly find out who is Tori D. As I stated earlier on twitter, it's time to focus on the super awesome amazing individual that I am, not the super awesome amazing girlfriend that I could be. This is something that I know I should have done earlier in my life, but better late than never. I've gotta get in touch with my "star player," myself. Not just until the next man comes along, but throughout any other relationships I may embark upon. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. I can't be lost if I already have my own direction.

This is for the best. I get to focus on school and real estate with no distractions. I'm going to be dedicated to getting into shape (not to attract anyone, just to make myself happier and healthier). I'll channel my passions back into my first loves: music, writing... heck, maybe even fashion design again. This is prime time to be selfish. I've been selfish about the wrong things, but it's time to correct that.

Part of me says I should've put this in the blog that no one ever sees, but I needed someone to see it so that 1) I know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that 2) it can possibly be a help to someone in the future.

So, there you have it. I've made my peace with it.

This post brought to you by Chris Botti & Jill Scott "Good Morning Heartache" because this song is freakin' awesome!

Good Morning Heartache - Chris Botti featuring Jill Scott

1 comment:

Citizen Ojo said...

When you think people aren't reading that's when they usually are.