to others in my situation

This is something that I've avoided talking about for a long time, but it's been in my head and heart something serious the last couple of days. It always is during the holidays. Since I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore I figured I'd just put it out there here. Maybe if I get it off my chest it'll ease up.

My story is from seven years ago. I was a senior in high school. That was one of those years where Christmas fell in the middle of the week, a Wednesday, so both of my parents had gone back to work. I was sitting around the house, enjoying my time away from school. A "friend" of mine called and said that he had my Christmas present. Now, me being the person that I am, I'm not gonna turn down gifts. So I told him to bring it over since I didn't have a car. His cousin dropped him off, we made small talk for a second, then I asked the question I'd been wondering since he got out of the car. "Soooo, where's my present?" He opened his arms and said, "I'm right here!" I kinda laughed, thinking he had to be teasing me and that the real gift was forthcoming.

It wasn't, so I told him that he should probably go. He said he wanted to stay a while and started kissing on my neck. I asked him to stop, told him this wasn't a good idea. I tried to lead him out of the door. Instead, he pushed me down, pinned me. I tried to fight him off, but I was really no match for a football player.

On December 26, 2002, I was raped by someone I considered a friend.

I never told my parents. Still haven't. I just knew my dad would tell me that's what I get for being disobedient and having someone at the house when they weren't there. I told my best friend, who tried to downplay it, saying "Well, you probably wanted it anyway, just not right then." After that, I shut up. I blamed myself, saying if I hadn't been so materialistic I wouldn't have even invited him over and none of it would've happened. If I'd been a virgin, the rumors wouldn't have been circulating about me and he wouldn't have tried it. If I had been stronger I could've beat his ass. If I'd have been smarter I would have realized that this dude wouldn't have just up and bought me a gift; we hadn't been that close for that long.

I tried to hid it. Ignore it. Act like it didn't happen. I say it didn't affect me, but on the inside I know it did. I sometimes wonder how my interactions with guys in the following year or two would have been different if I hadn't had the mindset of "give it to them before they take it." I wonder would I open up easier, trust more. At this point, who knows.

What I would tell any young woman who's been victimized like this, is to get help. Tell someone who will listen and is supportive. Please don't try to shrug it off or hold it in. And most importantly don't blame yourself.

that's all i have for now