A quote to end 2009 & one to bring in 2010

2009 has been an interesting year, to say the least. A lot has happened, both good and bad. I refuse to do a recap of all the stuff that's gone on... partially because I have a bad memory LOL Honestly, the things that meant the most to me & that impacted me the most have either already been shared here or are of such a nature that I'd rather keep them close to my heart. Instead, I'm going to share two quotes that I found a long time ago, forgot all about, then found again on a little scrap of paper as I was doing some winter cleaning a few days ago.

"Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities have crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense."
-Ralph Waldo Emerson

Forget the BS from this year & previous years (but not the lessons learned from it!). Take on 2010 with renewed spirit.

The next quote is the one that basically affirms my newly strengthened "Doing Me" attitude. I'll definitely be carrying this one with me into 2010 and beyond:

"Don't let the opinions of the average man sway you. Dream, and he thinks you're crazy. Succeed, and he thinks you're lucky. Acquire wealth, and he thinks you're greedy. Pay no attention. He simply doesn't understand."
-Robert G. Allen

Happy New Year to all!

Resolutions? Um....

Let me let Calvin & Hobbes handle this one...

A random story about attention

The other day, while walking to the garage from work, a man stopped me & asked if I still went to Jackson State. I was a little hesitant, as I really didn't know dude, but I told him I was in grad school. His was working up there at the time, and used to see me walking to the business building regularly. Turns out he remembered me from my walk (people say I have a unique, "bouncy" walk... IDK) and the fact that my hair was always looking nice (#itstrue). He said I still had a pretty smile, wished me good luck in grad school, and that was that. Y'all don't even know how that made me feel! To know that someone I don't even know noticed me. I made a positive impression on someone... Someone who gave me a tiny bit of attention when he had no obligation or motivation to do so.

If that little random instance of letting me know someone was paying attention to me made me smile, imagine what attention from someone I'm feeling does for me! It doesn't take much... I'm really not an attention whore or anything LOL But little things like mentioning an inside joke at some random point... or mentioning something I discussed on one of my blogs or playfully pointing out my lil idiosyncrasies...

Don't really know where I'm going with this one... I'm just saying... I appreciate attention when it's coming from someone who has my attention... *shrug*

Quote of the Day

Okay, today's quote of the day is hilarious to me! It's from one of my cousins & it's about yours truly. Last night my whole fam (all of my cousins that are on facebook) had a complete convo on one cousin's status about who would be next to get married. (Shout out to cuzzo Derrick for putting a ring on it!) My twin cousin put me out there saying I'd probably be next. (Hardy-har-har...) Then her brother chimed in with this:

I don't know. I think Tori's a pimp. I don't see her getting married anytime
soon. She's got some pimp bones in her body. "Keep your heart, T-Mac. Keep your
heart!" -JB

Now this probably doesn't mean jack shyt to anyone else but iRolled reading that! So for putting a smile on my face on a Monday (especially after the kinda messed up stuff that happened last night) my big cuz gets the honor of being immortalized in my Quote of the Day!

poem with no title

i'm in love with the past
a figment of a man that couldn't last
despite my desire.
he said he'd always be there
but he wasn't.
he changed.
his personality morphed
while i counted on him staying the same.
he was still growing up,
and the man that he grew into,
well i didn't know him.
and the man that he was
i still can't let go of him.
my present no longer fits
the plans we made for the future...

i started on this poem a few weeks ago & got stuck here. it seems like it's not complete, but i guess it is. since i never could figure out how to express the rest of what i was feeling, i guess the poem was meant to end here.

Previouscats or Learning from the past?

Okay, sooo lately I've been noticing some things ("little" things, some would say) that my current whatever-he-is-since-he-doesn't-have-a-title does that are a lot like the trifling sh*t my ex started doing near the end of our relationship. Not necessarily make-or-break things since I don't know the full story behind what's fueling it, but things that have definitely made me perk my ears up and go "Hmmmmm."

Now I hate to be the stereotypical woman who carries over baggage from one relationship to another. I don't say "All men are alike" because I know for a fact that that's just not true. I know these are two totally different guys, different personalities and characters. In some ways they are similar, but in most they are nothing alike... But am I wrong to see certain things as red flags since they've occurred before?

At what point does one go from simply learning from past mistakes and experiences to dealing with a "previouscats" situation? Is it when I start to ask questions about what's going on? When I simply start to compare the incidences? When I say "I know you're doing blah blah blah, because you did/said/went blah blah blah..."? I have so many questions that I want to ask based on the "little" things that he's doing because when I look back on those "little things" in the past, I see that they should have been blaring warning signs.

So is there a difference? Or is it simply a matter of "tomato, to-mah-to"?

ETA: So I went over to dreammoods.com to see if there was anything I could find about why my ex has been popping up in my dreams lately. This came up and I found it to be interesting considering this post:

Ex To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or that you and
your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your
current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the
relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or
similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous
relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat
the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive
experiences you had with that person. It could also signify aspects of yourself
that you have x'd out or neglected.

Randomness... because I have nothing better to do...

I found a new shoe from my first love, BCBG, that made me drool. It's such a simple shoe, but I'm absolutely ga-ga over it! BCBG Altero. I guess it appeals to the side of me that wants something basic but still has a bit of the wow factor. Nevermind that the shoe is made almost identical to the royal blue Kostys that I currently own. These will be mine before the end of the month!

Since we are quickly approaching Christmas, I guess I will share my fav holiday song with you...

(boo at not being able to find the original)

Anyway, I've decided there should be some kinda composite character to represent my mood... A cross between Scrooge & The Grinch... The Scrinch? Grooge? No, Grooge sounds like something icky... The Scrinch it is... Now if only I could figure out Photoshop (don't judge me!)

I found this pic a few months ago while looking up something for this blog, but for some reason never posted it. I think it pretty much sums up the quarterlife for me...

Doing Me

A couple days ago I was looking for little quotes to tweet to others & to get myself motivated for the day. I ran across something that has been stuck in my head:

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your
expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and
I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it
can't be helped.”(Gestalt prayer) -Frederick Perls

I think too often we concern ourselves with others opinions, to the point where we sometimes neglect our true selves in order to not garner any unwanted attention. Why do people treat others like they have two heads or something simply because the next person's actions or lifestyle differ from theirs? Isn't variety supposed to be the spice of life and all that jazz? If there is no one way of living, it really shouldn't bother me if someone else does or thinks things that I don't particularly agree with, as long as it doesn't adversely affect me.

Lately I have come to realize that I cannot be truly happy if I'm not free to be myself. I don't know if it's growing up or the newly developed attitude of "just don't give a f**k" but I'm at the point where I'd rather let my thoughts and opinions be known instead of sitting in the background going along with others or just complying with things because "that's how it's always been done" or "that's what I was taught." I figure I can do things my way and any of three things could happen:

1. The people around me can agree with what I'm doing and possibly evaluate whether they are actually living the way they want to


2. People can agree with what I'm doing but continue to do things according to the status quo


3. People can have issues with what I'm doing, I say "f**k 'em" and continue to do me
   

I'm prepared to deal with either of those possibilities. Makes me no difference. What I say, do, think and feel is solely a reflection of Tori D. Anyone who doesn't like it is free to do them...

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule
of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence. -Frederick Douglass

The Mood I'm In...

I'm talking to the boo-friend (I really dunno what to call him on here just yet; he doesn't have a title, and I kinda like it that way... but til then I guess it's boo-friend) and he's got me on an old Faith Evans tip... Soooo here ya go.

From the good folks over on Twitter....

Seeing as how I'm no longer as young and "cool" as I used to be, I don't keep up with these overnight "celebs." So although I've heard the name Nicki Minaj, I didn't know what she did, what she looked like, or why she was "famous." All I knew was that she'd caused a myriad of simple broads to go from calling themselves "5-star b*tches" to "barbies." Apparently she made an appearance on some show recently and someone over on Twitter posted this pic. (Gotta love the interwebs!) Someone please tell me that she actually dresses like... oh, I dunno... a real person.... I don't see the appeal!

Get Over It?

On a message board I tend to frequent, a poster shared something that one of his facebook friends (who happens to be white) said:

"Why do some Young black people who have never experienced slavery, reference it
as a reason to hate the white population? Of course it's not everybody, only a
select few. My opinion is they need an excuse as to why they have no ambition.
They want a handout for something not them, their parents, nor even their
grandparents went through. But what do you think? I know this is a touchy topic.
Please understand I'm not racist. But after so many times of being told "I'm not
welcome here" with some emphasis of slavery, something that the only reason they
have knowledge of is a history book and what their parents tell them, and not on
personal experiences, I want to get to the bottom of this.... We have a black
man as President. Slavery is dead and gone. Seriously GET OVER IT..."

There were several interesting responses, most of which I agree with:

"I think its the same reason why white ppl fear black perpetrated violence even
though they never personally experienced it. You feel a certain way, because
this thing has happened to people just like you. The fear some of you feel...
just multiply it by 100 and let it linger for a couple hundred years and then
come back and ask some black people why they don't wanna be bothered with your
kind. Its not ignorant, because the knowledge of the past is still relevant. The
Germans will suffer the stain of the Nazis for all eternity, the white race will
suffer the stain of slavery/Jim Crow so long as U.S. of America is here."

"Why do some white people think that blacks are mad about slavery, when its
actually the decades of social injustice, hidden racism, widespread stereotypes,
and cultural insensitivity shown toward them and their families that is still
prevalent today?"

Says the great great grandchildren of the owners and shareholders of the LLoyds
of London, Haliburton, and William- Morris Corporations who all made billions
off of the sweat of our ancestor's backs through free labor... Some people think
slavery ended and everyone just went on planting flowers singing hymns. The
effects of slavery carry on, but worse, the social and government actions that
were utilized to successfully implement slavery and oppression based on skin
color still linger on and will have to be fought at every turn in order to
obliterate.

well the Jews do the same thing. They keep talking about the holocaust like it
happened yesterday. So until that conversation ends we can keep talking about
slavery.

So what do you think? Does this guy have a valid point in your opinion? Do we need to "get over it" since we did not experience it ("it" being slavery) firsthand? Is he just ignorant? Or is it covert racism? Speak on it!

Quote of the Day

Image by Sema at AffirmArt.

We must not, in trying to think about how we can make a big difference, ignore
the small daily differences we can make which, over time, add up to big
differences that we often cannot foresee.
-Marian Wright Edelman

Today, and throughout the rest of the week/month/year, I'm striving to work on the little changes. Both personally (physically, professionally, financially) and socially. I'm one of those people that tends to want to do a lot but then gets overwhelmed at the magnitude of it all... which sometimes leads to me doing nothing. But I know that can't continue; I have to make some changes and it may as well start with the small things.

Another Myspace Oldie but Goodie: Ten Things My Future Husband Needs To Know

1. An exterminator is not a luxury, not a request. It is mandatory. if i do not get this, you will be called away from any & everything you are doing to come smash any creepy-crawly thing over 1/2 inch.

2. I am not a morning person. My morning conversations consist of a series of grunts, groans, evil facial expressions & eyerolls. Please postpone any real discussions until 11:00 am or until I've had at least two cups of coffee.

3. I have a high sex drive. Imma need to to come with it, and come with it often. If you feel you can't fulfill this, feel free to let me know and I will find a replacement... (j/k... kinda)

4. I always win. I'm always right. The sooner you come to accept this, the more confrontations we can avoid. LOL

5. I want someone who can take control but still give me the illusion that I'm running the show. So lets work on perfecting that...

6. I am a very passionate person when it comes to people I love. I give complete loyalty & I expect the same. Anything less will not do (ya better read up on Taurus women!). I will give you everything I have, and I request everything from you in return.

7. If you can convince me to have kids, I am naming them. I have names for one boy & two girls already, so you better hope for multiples if you got a name you really like.

8. A man that cooks is so sexy. a man that cooks & cleans will get the panty-draws whenever wherever! LMAO Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch, but I want a man who doesn't mind sharing responsibilities around the house. So if you don't know a pot from a skillet or cant separate whites & colors to save your life, you may wanna reevaluate some things before being with me.

9. Be straightforward with me. Imma find out the truth anyway, so don't try to hide it. I am not very nice when i am lied to.

10. Monotony is not the business. I don't like doing the same old same old. Spontaneity & uniqueness get me every time. That lets me know you feel I'm special, so my day/night should be special. Not just the same ol ordinary dinner & movies.

to others in my situation

This is something that I've avoided talking about for a long time, but it's been in my head and heart something serious the last couple of days. It always is during the holidays. Since I don't want to keep it bottled up anymore I figured I'd just put it out there here. Maybe if I get it off my chest it'll ease up.

My story is from seven years ago. I was a senior in high school. That was one of those years where Christmas fell in the middle of the week, a Wednesday, so both of my parents had gone back to work. I was sitting around the house, enjoying my time away from school. A "friend" of mine called and said that he had my Christmas present. Now, me being the person that I am, I'm not gonna turn down gifts. So I told him to bring it over since I didn't have a car. His cousin dropped him off, we made small talk for a second, then I asked the question I'd been wondering since he got out of the car. "Soooo, where's my present?" He opened his arms and said, "I'm right here!" I kinda laughed, thinking he had to be teasing me and that the real gift was forthcoming.

It wasn't, so I told him that he should probably go. He said he wanted to stay a while and started kissing on my neck. I asked him to stop, told him this wasn't a good idea. I tried to lead him out of the door. Instead, he pushed me down, pinned me. I tried to fight him off, but I was really no match for a football player.

On December 26, 2002, I was raped by someone I considered a friend.

I never told my parents. Still haven't. I just knew my dad would tell me that's what I get for being disobedient and having someone at the house when they weren't there. I told my best friend, who tried to downplay it, saying "Well, you probably wanted it anyway, just not right then." After that, I shut up. I blamed myself, saying if I hadn't been so materialistic I wouldn't have even invited him over and none of it would've happened. If I'd been a virgin, the rumors wouldn't have been circulating about me and he wouldn't have tried it. If I had been stronger I could've beat his ass. If I'd have been smarter I would have realized that this dude wouldn't have just up and bought me a gift; we hadn't been that close for that long.

I tried to hid it. Ignore it. Act like it didn't happen. I say it didn't affect me, but on the inside I know it did. I sometimes wonder how my interactions with guys in the following year or two would have been different if I hadn't had the mindset of "give it to them before they take it." I wonder would I open up easier, trust more. At this point, who knows.

What I would tell any young woman who's been victimized like this, is to get help. Tell someone who will listen and is supportive. Please don't try to shrug it off or hold it in. And most importantly don't blame yourself.

that's all i have for now

Angry Black Woman, Pt. II

(Yes, I know that Part I hasn't been posted yet; I'm still working on that one! But I felt like writing this ASAP and didn't quite fit into where I was going with the other post. And I also know I could've made this Part I and the other Part II, but I don't wanna...)

I know we've all heard about the stereotypical Angry Black Woman. The neck-rolling, loud-talking, dare-you-to-get-outta-line types. The "I wish a muthafucka would" black woman.





I've read different blogs and various comments here and there about how black women's attitudes are driving black men into the arms of women of other races. Now, I won't even get into how pathetic a man would have to be to let encounters with a few women make him write off a whole race of women. Nor will I get into how offended I'd be if someone approached me thinking I must be docile (read: easy to control) just because I wasn't (insert whatever ethnicity here).





If someone happens to find love outside of their own race, kudos. Love is hard as hell to find anyway, so they'd be doing better than me on that tip. But men, please know, just because your woman isn't black doesn't mean she can't go off. I mean, remember Fatal Attraction? Okay yeah, that was just a movie... not real life right? Cuz real life is the crazy astronaut lady. Real life is getting your balls mangled or your cock cut clean off. It's the ex burning down your wedding. It's (allegedly) being beat down with your own golf clubs. (No link necessary) And yes, it's getting your pet goldfish eaten.*

In conclusion, yes some black women may have a little edge to their attitude, but anyone can be crazy if they're pushed hard enough!


*Okay so I know there wasn't a picture or name to go off of, but c'mon... I refuse to believe this was a black woman... Nope, I refuse!