Monday, July 5, 2010

Reasons & Seasons

They say people come into your life for a reason and a season. It seems like the last couple of guys I've had some sort of relationship with was to help me get over the previous one. SupaBlack was put in place to help me get over PsychoEx. HWHadNT helped me get over SupaBlack. Now Bartender, to a much lesser degree, is helping me get over HWHadNT... But in my head I'm thinking "ENOUGH!"

I'm tired of opening up to someone who is only gonna be in my life for a season. I'm wondering when--or if--anyone will come along for the simple reason that he's The One that I've apparently mistaken the others for. On one hand I'm hopeful that he comes soon. After all, I'm a pretty darn good catch and these eggs ain't getting any younger!
 But on the other hand, I kinda don't even want to be bothered. I'd rather just rebuild the wall I had up before PsychoEx tore it down. That way I don't waste time getting emotionally invested in someone who will only be gone in a matter of months or years. Is it really worth it? I'm thinking no, not really. And yeah, thinking and feeling like this long term will likely keep me from getting married, but I guess that wouldn't be so bad. Get to have my place arranged like I want, no crap that I don't like as part of a compromise. Come and go as I please without answering to anyone. Not having someone all in my space when I need time to myself. An occasional seasonal "friend" with one reason and purpose.
But then again, it would be nice to share accomplishments with someone special, and do little sweet things for him, and share romantic vacations...
I don't know. I guess it's just my season to be (emotionally) alone. And even though I've been in relationships for the better part of the past eight years, I also felt alone for much of that. (I think that's a result of poor decisions on my part that had lasting effects.) So maybe being alone isn't just for a season; maybe it's my lot in life. (Although I will say that it's an incredibly cruel joke to have such an... *ahem* active libido and be fated to be alone...)

/end rant

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