Monday, July 6, 2009

Tori D. on being the sidepiece

*i know this post is a bit ramble-y. Forgive me. I have a lot on my mind but wanted to get this out quickly*

The recent murder of Steve "Air" McNair and his mistress made me reflect on my less-than-admirable time spent dealing with men who were already in committed relationships. Yes, for a time, I played the other woman role frequently. The speculation that maybe her boyfriend killed them, or that it was possibly his wife, brought back memories that I have actively tried to forget. Memories of confrontations that were embarrassing, unsavory and some down-right scary. I realized that I have unnecessarily put myself in situations that could've easily been avoided by respecting the boundaries of other people's relationships. Now at the time, I couldn't care less about all of that. I was selfish and immature, and what did I care if the guy I wanted was engaged or married or whatever? I had to have him. Although I made it through that phase physically unscathed, it did fuck with my head as far as trust and relationships and the karma that is bound to come back on me. But for the grace of God, I could've ended up in a ditch somewhere. I've definitely been threatened, and it's not as if I don't understand where that anger was coming from... I've said all of that to say this. It is truly not worth it. No one should subject themselves to playing to side role. If he's married, whether he is pursuing you or not, keep it moving! It is seriously not a game out here; people will hurt you for disrespecting their relationships. If you're the one that's married/in a serious, committed relationship, don't even start down that path with another woman/man. Even if you think it won't amount to anything but new sex, it will affect you in ways that you may not even see until later on down the road. Either way, it's seriously not worth it. I wish I'd listened to this shit before I did it, but since I was stupid enough to do it hopefully I can redeem myself somewhat my warning others who may follow. In the words of my friend
@NoNamesJustLo in her tweet after the McNair murder: "Yall better leave that boyfriend #2/side chick stuff alone! People get hurt over that. you wanna multitask get two jobs!"

Random related thoughts from an old Myspace blog:
I know a lot of people say that a woman who would settle for being "the other woman" must have low self-esteem. I've knowingly been the other woman a couple of times, but I never thought there was an esteem issue at hand. I didn't think "oh i don't deserve my own man," or "i'm not good enough to have someone so i'll just settle for this." Instead it was always, "i see something i want. i think i'll take it." Trifling? Yes, it was. But that was my mentality then. However, even though the self-esteem thing wasn't as blatant as I was making it out to be, maybe it still played a factor. I've always had a huge fear of rejection, so at least with being the other woman there was no real commitment, save one particular relationship.
Even though I acted like i wasn't affected by being a sideline ho, i was. I could always bring up the positive points, but its not like i couldn't see all the pitfalls staring me in the face. This was especially true at night, when i couldn't talk to the guys like i wanted to, or be out with them because they were with someone else. Finally it got to the point that i realized it wasn't worth it. I've finally grown up and realized that i take center stage, and if a guy thinks i'm just second best, he clearly doesn't know what caliber of princess he's dealing with. It's been a long time coming, and it came with a lot of heartache, headaches, frustration and tears.

No comments: