Today's Black Male/Female Dynamic: What's really going on?

This entry is in regards to something that I've noticed for a while, but failed to speak on previously. Maybe it was because I didn't want to see a problem, or possibly because I thought it was no big deal & that it wasn't that prevalent. However, recent events and observations have me rethinking that, so I have to talk about it.

IMHO, there seems to be a decline in the level of respect shown to black women by black men. (Now, before I go further, let me say that I am in no way saying that the level of respect for our males is up to par either; however, being that I am not on the receiving end of that, I cannot speak on it as I can this issue.) Some of the comments that I've heard & read from black men concerning black women are truly disconcerting. From crude, degrading and unwanted commentary concerning physical traits and sexuality, to actually assaulting (verbally AND physically) a woman for turning down advances... It makes one wonder what has taken place for so many of our young men to treat "their" women that way?

I question whether we, black women, have had a hand in this depletion of integrity in some of our men by not standing up for ourselves at the first sign of disrespect. And trust, this is not a case of someone pointing fingers. I know there have been times when things were said in my presence, about myself or about other women, that were out of line. I should have said something, let it be known that it wouldn't be tolerated. But I kept silent; even worse, sometimes I laughed just so I wouldn't cause a problem. Maybe I should have. Maybe someone should be willing to cause a problem to show what is and is not acceptable. Perhaps if someone had said, "That's not cool" and explained why, some young black man would think twice about the words he chooses to describe black women. If I'd done it, maybe I could have prevented something from being said or done by my male friends that another female found offensive.

And it could be that they are taking their cues from the way we treat each other. If we constantly tear down and berate each other, should we really be surprised when they do it? If we can't value ourselves, how can we expect them to do it for us? We should be more united than we are, which of course is easier said than done; but it's still necessary.

I am not absolving anyone of anything. Everyone has a decision to make as to their words, actions and attitudes. But the real question now--more important than the why of it all-- is what can we do about it?



There is so much more I want to say, but right now I just can't. There may be a Part II soon. I'd really like to hear feedback on this though.

"A Mile in My Shoes..." Guidelines & Suggestions

Check here if you have no idea what I'm talking about

I know it’s been a few weeks since I first presented the idea for my book, but I have not forgotten it and hopefully neither have you! Thank you to everyone who called, texted, or FaceBooked your ideas. You all have been a big help! I wanted to provide some suggestions for submissions as well as a few basic guidelines that I ask you to follow. First, the guidelines:

1. No copyrighted pictures, please (because I do not have any money for someone to try to sue me!)
2. If you submit a quote that is not original (meaning, you didn’t come up with it yourself) please advise who the quote is from so that we can give them proper credit
3. I don’t really “do” censorship, but you know when something crosses the line. So nothing too inappropriate, por favor.

Seriously, that’s it for the guidelines.

If you already have an idea for what you want to submit, great! I would love to have whatever you want to contribute. However, if you want to contribute but really don’t know what to do/send, here are a few suggestions for you:

1. Shoes that have meaning to you— The shoes you wore on your wedding day? The pair you wore when you shot the winning basket? Your baby’s first shoes? Send pix and tell me about them.
2. The shoes you could buy if money was no object—Which ones and why?
3. Love at first sight—Seeing that “it” pair for the first time
4. Too cute to wear—Those shoes that are gorgeous to look at but a PAIN to wear!
5. If you could only have one pair of shoes for the rest of your life… (pretty self explanatory, I think)
6. Back in the day—Does your mom, grandmother, great-grandmother, etc. have some shoes from way back when? Or have you spotted some elsewhere that you want to share?

Again, these are just suggestions. If you have something else in mind, or only want to contribute pictures or quotes, they are welcome! Also, maybe shoes aren’t your thing but you know someone like me who loves them; please ask for their participation. As I stated before, I am looking for diversity in my participants to get a broad spectrum of submissions.

You can email your submission to me at shoechic09@yahoo.com. Please have your submissions in no later than Friday, July 31. Thanks again!

Tori D. does VA

This time last week, I was nestled under an impossibly soft comforter and sheets at the Doubletree in downtown Richmond, hugged up on the Future Mr. watching Dane Cook.

Last Thursday I left Jackson to go visit Virginia for the first time. It was a combination present to myself for my birthday and visit to see Isaac graduate. For some reason I was really nervous boarding the plan, nervous in the ATL airport (which is HUGE, btw), just nervous period. The main thing I was stressing over was meeting his family. For me, that's a big deal because I don't try to get to know the family unless things are really serious. Anyway, I was a little on edge, but all of that melted away once I got to the Richmond airport.

I wandered around aimlessly for a minute, just following the crowd. Then I saw him standing there waiting for me. :) We hugged & kissed... did the playful/naughty touching thing in the baggage claim... Waited forever for a cab and finally split one with a really weird dude... "canoodled" in the backseat (really I just wanted to use that word LOL)...

By the time we got to his apartment, it was already Friday, May 15 and I was a year older. We talked and watched tv for a few minutes, and then... went to bed, cuz I was sleepy :) (There may or may not have been something going on before going to bed. Whatever you would do after not seeing your SO for months, that's what we did, kay?)

Friday morning we woke up and he made me his "famous" cinnamon pancakes. OMG they were delish!! And freakin huge! I couldn't finish both of mine, even though I wanted to. We both ended up with the itis and fell asleep again on the couch. When we did finally get up and decide to stop being lazy bums, we went out to tour VCU's campus and downtown Richmond. I loved the fact that there wasn't an actual campus per se, but the school is integrated into the city itself. It was a beautiful little area. I could see myself living somewhere like that. And if I did I'd probably lose a couple pounds (limited parking means walking almost everywhere). We thought we'd get to Maymont on Friday, but since it looked like it was about to rain, we headed back. After going grocery shopping and discussing the virtues of getting a puppy with the lady in front of us in the checkout line, my baby cooked me a salmon & rice dinner. It was delish. We had wine... but didn't have it. We forgot to get a corksrew so we tried to attack the bottle with a knife. Ummm, that didn't work. Then boo remembered that he had a corkscrew on his swiss army knife... But all it did was take a plug out of the center of the cork. I seriously considered breaking the neck of the bottle, but I thought that might seem slightly alcoholic of me. LOL We ate Italian frozen ice and these wonderful caramel macciato truffles for desert, then I fell asleep on the couch, lying in his lap while he watched TV. It was perfect :)

The next day we woke up pretty early because it was his graduation! Got up, showered, dressed; thought I would have time to straighten up before his folks arrived, but no! Before 8:30 they called saying they were outside. (Graduation was not until 10:00) Fortunately only his brother came in while we finished getting ready. I start sweating like I'm in a sauna, I'm so nervous. Meanwhile, he's laughing like he actually thinks it's funny. We get to the car & we do a brief introduction, not too bad... He and I catch a cab to get to the graduation venue (the coliseum or something?) and I wait around for his folks while he went to wherever the graduates were. When I finally met up with his family again, I was still a little nervous, but tried to hide it (dunno if I really did though). His mom asked a couple questions while we waited for the ceremony to begin, but it wasn't nearly the interrogation I anticipated. The graduation was nice. It took 40 minutes for all of them to walk in and be seated. The commencement speaker was short and pretty interesting. He did a little song at the end called "There Way" that was freakin awesome. LOL After the graduation we all piled into their car & went to eat at Famous ____ (Bob's? Dave's? Bill's? Something like that). Food was decent. It was fun listening to them talk, go in on each other, and watch them interact with each other. (I was slightly jealous of how they all joked around together; me & my mom do somewhat, but we could never do that with my dad... SMH).

We went back to his place for a brief moment until it was time for me and them to check into our respective hotels. My hotel, the Doubletree, was right around the corner from Ikey Baybee's place. Talk about niiiice! (And he got a good deal on it; W00t for online booking). We sat around for a while, then ordered room service. Frat was supposed to do something for his graduation, but when we arrived over there, nothing was going on and the liquor was GONE -_- We ended up going to another frat's house and watched a couple of them and some chick clusterfuck around in the kitchen to make spaghetti. Some other females came over; weren't Sorors so it didn't really matter much to me. (I know that sounds bad, but I'm actually a little antisocial) Eventually we dipped, went back to the hotel and called it a night.

Sunday we woke up later than planned. So late, in fact, that we barely caught his family before they returned home. But fortunately we did catch up with them (after they'd already eating a wonderful breakfast that they told us about all day LOL) and went to a mall. Didn't really do a whole lot of shopping. Got one pair of shoes at Macy's. (Pair of white Jessica Simpson pumps. They are freaking torture devices, but they are so cute! Too bad we don't have a Macy's here, because I would SO return them! They may be on eBay soon!) Grabbed a little lunch in the food court and that was that. They dropped us back off at my hotel and his brother, father & mother hugged me goodbye (his sister waved from the trunk LOL). We sat around for a while then decided to go to the bar while we waited for a cab to go to Priscilla's. After perusing the goodies there, we came back and grabbed some food, then just kinda laid around and chilled until Dane Cook came on. (I'm a really big DC fan, so I already knew that whatever we were doing would have to cease to watch him. I was slightly disappointed though. Funny, but not OMG, WTF?!?! funny like usual.)

The next day, we woke up fairly early (or, I woke up early and then moved around to wake him up), checked out, dropped my stuff off at his place and went to Aunt Sarah's (i think?) Pancake House. Oooh, the catfish & eggs was delish! (I'm such a fat girl lol) Left there and went by one of the bookstores to buy a long-sleeve VCU shirt since I was so ill-prepared for the sudden drop in temperature. Went back to his apartment where I preceded to cry like a baby because it was time to go. I was so tempted to not call the cab, to "accidentally" miss my flight so I could stay a little longer, but I knew I couldn't do that. He walked me out to the cab, put my bags up for me, and kissed me goodbye. I cried all the way to the airport.

All in all, I thoroughly enjoyed myself. We could've sat around all weekend doing nothing & I would've been happy because I was with him. This long distance thing is so hard, but it definitely makes you appreciate the time you have together. I cannot wait to see him again, and I'm certainly looking forward to doing VA again. :)

Random Videos That Make Me Giggle

The Less Gut, More Butt Challenge Finale

Soooo, this is a carry over from one of my old blogs, Less Gut More Butt. I was supposed to lose 30 pounds By May 15 (my birthday).

Uuuhhhh, I failed on that. Miserably. I am STILL at the same weight I was when I started in January. Yup, after all this time I neither gained nor lost anything.

I'm not about to stop trying though. I'm thinking about getting a trainer to figure out a workout plan custom fitted for me. And even though I've fallen off as far as watching my carbs and fried food intake, I gotta start back monitoring that again.

In the mean time, I am gonna get chewed out when I go back to the doctor. My appointment is in a little over a week; there's no way I will lose the 20 lbs. I've gained since I saw her last year. She will definitely fuss, but it is what it is.

Off topic, but not really: Today I realized I have something against skinny folks. LOL Not the ones who work out to stay skinny, but the ones who eat more than me & eat all the "wrong" things but still don't wear anything bigger than a size 8. I know it's completely irrational, but I almost feel like they're keeping some closely guarded secret to their skinniness. They know something I don't! AAARRRGGHHH! LOL Of course I know they can't help their genetic disposition to be skinny, just like I can't help mine to be fat. But dang it, that's how I feel!
J/K my skinty friends :)

No, We Don't All Shuck & Jive

Today was the second time in about three weeks that I have been approached by a middle-aged white woman inquiring if I would do the Stanky Leg for them.

I wish I were joking, but I am not.

I think I may be hypersensitive to racial issues and tension, being that I grew up here in Mississippi and have seen a lot, even in today's "progressive" stage. I work with many people who are openly hostile towards Black coworkers. I have heard disparaging remarks from people who did not know that a "nigger" was in earshot. I have been told to my face that I was a lesser, inferior being and that I was useless in the grand scheme of things (unless, of course, I was fortunate enough that a white man wanted me to lay on my back for him). So yes, I am a little defensive when it comes to what I perceive as even subtle racism.

I really wanted to ask, "Why are you asking us [I was with two other black women] to do it?" There was a group of similarly aged white coworkers sitting near us. They were spouting off all the hip-hop they knew, showing their "cool." They have heard the song and seen this dance, even said this themselves. So why turn to us for your little song and dance? I mean, did they think I was there to put on some kind of minstrel show for them? Was I supposed to jump up and say, "Why sho boss ma'am, lemme show ya this here stanky leg," and proceed to shuck and jive, ending with flourishing jazz hands and a flashing a grin that showed all my teeth?

Of course, it may have just been an innocent request. She may have just ASSumed that since we were young and black we were more likely to know the song and therefore know the dance. And I guess some part of me can understand that. At the same time, why not assume the others knew it too, considering she said that her 11-year-old daughter listens to the same music?

Anyway, I denied knowing the dance (I do actually know it, but I'm a horrible dancer) and went back to my conversation. And as I stated, it may not have even been meant like that. But still, I stand firm in my affirmation that I am an uppity negro who will not shuck and jive for anyone.