I Used to Love You

Valentine's Day, that is.

In elementary school, Valentine's Day was right up there with Christmas! I loved going to school on that day... It was full of arts & crafts, music and sweets. Heaven for a fat little artiste such as myself. There was no doubt that something would be in the little paper basket that hung over the side of the desk. And don't let there be a real card in there, not just the little tear-out cards that came in the box with the cartoon characters on it... Baaaaaybeh, that meant you were fancy! Someone liked you enough to spend a whole dollar on yo card. Go 'head! And since I went to a Christian school, we got all the love scriptures: "God is love," "For God so loved the world..." "Greater love hath no man than this..." etc.

But then I grew up. Went many V-Days without anyone special. Grew up some more and got my heart broken a couple of times. Went through the bitter phase. Grew up even more to get to the content phase. And now, Valentine's Day just doesn't mean anything to me. I don't hate the holiday--I grew out of that in college. But I'm not ecstatic about it either. It's just another day. Even now that I'm in a relationship, it's not that big of a deal. We do things for each other throughout the year, so whether one of those acts happens to fall on 2/14 doesn't make it any more special to me than the other 364 days of the year.

I used to love Valentine's Day, more than most other days. But now, it's just a day like every other day.

Except my birthday. That day is still special.

ghosts of exes past

It started again, as it so often does.

This time, it began with an innocent "Happy holidays" email.

Then it was an email to check on me, because he knows that this season is rough, considering what happened.

That lead to me looking him up on Facebook, just to see what he's been doing.

Then came the texts with the pet names....


Psycho Ex and I go through this back and forth periodically. It starts off like this, then we become friends again. I let my guard down and we get close. I realize he's trying to have his cake and eat it too--again--and tell him to kiss ass. We don't talk for months. Then an email....

Yesterday it was a "Thinking of you" text. After I didn't respond, I got this today:

I know u told me not to contact you again but i do still think about you and always hope you're doing well. Really impossible for me not 2 think of u.

*sigh* WHY LAWD?!

I want so bad to cuss him out and make him hate me, but something in me stops me from doing that. I can't say I still love him, but I did, and that truth is what makes it so hard. In some other relationships I realized that it was just infatuation so it was no big deal to say eff it. But even when I told him to lose my number there was still some hesitation. And this was almost a year after the big blowup that happened years after we were done!

But this time, I'm ready to end this little back and forth. I haven't engaged in any conversation other than a "same to you and your family" to the Happy New Year/hope all is well texts. I just can't get sucked into the back and forth. Every time I see his (unsaved) number pop up, I think about his wife and have 101 questions. Does she know he still feels this way about me, still contacts me? Has she just accepted that that's the way it is? How does he rationalize his actions in his mind? If we were together, who would he be texting on the side? Would I be so blind?

The answers to those questions really don't even matter at this point. This is a chapter in my life that should have been over long ago. You can't run from the past, can't undo it. But he's a lie if he thinks I'm ready to repeat it.

"All In" (a partial poem)

Since I haven't shared any poetry in a minute, I figured I'd give y'all a little bit of what I've been working on.

part of a poem inspired months ago by a conversation with HWHadNT

I wanna be all in.
I want to love you like my first love
When I wasn't afraid of being hurt
And I gave my all.
Now memories of the past
Have me holding back
But baby believe me when I say
I wanna be all in.
I want that completely exhilarated emotion again
Without fear
Without doubt
I admit, I've been holding out
But trust, I want to change that.
I want that giddy love again,
The so-happy-it's-silly love
The I'm good long as you're with me love.
I wanna be all in...

Playing Part-Time Mommy

Right now, there are toys in my rear passenger cup holder.

A few weeks earlier, it was candy.

The culprits? No, not little cousins or the little ones I mentor (sporadically... shame on me).

No, this auto desecration is done at the hands of my new "friend's" two little girls.

How did this happen? How did I get here?

The Right to Love

Maybe this is "not in my lane" since I'm neither a resident of Malawi nor seeking a relationship with a woman, but I'm still gonna post about it.*smirk*

Last week in Malawi, two men were sentenced to "the maximum 14 years in prison with hard labor." Their crime? Being in love with each other. According to MSNBC:

Chimbalanga, a 20-year-old hotel janitor, and his unemployed partner were arrested Dec. 27, the day after they celebrated their engagement with a party at the hotel where Chimbalanga worked — an apparent first in Malawi.

"Maximum sentences are intended for use for worst cases," Magistrate Nyakwawa Usiwa Usiwa said as he delivered his sentence. "We are sitting here to represent the Malawi society which I do not believe is ready at this point in time to see its sons getting married to other sons or conducting engagement ceremonies."

(Source)

Thank goodness we don't go to those extremes here (although antiquated laws relating to homosexuality are still on the books in several states). I don't know how anyone could read stories like this and not see how fucked up it is. But I know people who do. Typically conservative, staunch Christians can really be assholes when it comes to homosexuals. Okay, you don't agree with their lifestyle. you don't understand it. You may even think that they are going to hell for who they love. You are entitled to your opinion just as they are entitled to do as they please. But to openly say that they don't deserve the same rights as their straight counterparts simply because they don't live like you think they should? Sorry, can't go there with you, and I doubt Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, etc. will either.

The reasoning I've heard some people give for being discriminatory towards gay people is utterly ridiculous. They say that if we allow gay marriage it's a "slippery slope" to people marrying animals and adults marrying kids. Aroo?! Since when could kids or animals give consent? How does one equal the other?
I also remember hearing a preacher saying that if they are given the right to marry, fight in the army, etc. that they'll "soon be in the schools, right there over our kids." NEWSFLASH: (you may wanna sit down) There have always been gay and lesbian teachers, preachers, doctors, lawyers, and whatever else. This isn't some new craze that's going around. Homosexuality goes back to the earliest days of mankind. To think that they have to be stopped now is absurd.

And if all of their rights were taken away, what change would be made? What "good" would that do? Would that cause them all to say "Oh well I guess I won't be gay anymore!" or something? Will discrimination force them to be straight? Umm, no. A person won't and shouldn't have to change who they are just because someone else doesn't agree. Whether it's a lifestyle that they chose or just how they were born (I refuse to get into the "nature or nurture: homosexuality edition" debate) they deserve to live their lives with the same right to love and happiness as everyone else.

We can't play God, no one has a heaven or hell to put anyone into. If you don't agree with what they do and how they live, condemning and discriminating against them won't make the situation better for anyone. Simply pray for them, and while you're at it, pray for yourself. God knows we all have our own shit to get straight.

New poem... "Addict," I guess

love addict
always looking for the next high
searching for the best connect
need another hit to get by
got a new supplier every time i turn around
thought i was a loyal customer
but no one seems to stay down
or maybe one just ain't enough for me
maybe one just can't fulfill my needs
i need powder stimulation
sensuality in a pill
liquid comfort
and "we can chill" weed
but fuck it
i'm tryin to quit
cuz coming down?
coming down is a bitch.



In my head this is finished. In my heart... I got more shit I wanna say but maybe this isn't the one to say it through... I dunno...

A bit of randomness: I Won't Say It First

Regardless of what I think I'm feeling. No matter what happens. Even if I'm on the brink.

I absolutely will not say "I love you" first. Not on purpose, at least. I can recall one occasion when it slipped out. I played it off though. Two points for me.

I don't really know how this decision came about. I guess I've kinda conditioned myself to believe that whoever says it first puts themselves at a disadvantage. All of their cards are out. They've basically admitted that the other person, in essence, has them. Upper hand: guy/girl that held out. If they're a manipulative MFer then that could get really ugly really quickly. Of course, they could always yell "Ohmuhgawd I love you too snookums" and commence in a mushy make out scene. *shrug*

Anyway, I've always felt that if a guy loves me, he'll tell me. In actions first, then when he's comfortable, in words. I hate the idea of putting it all out there and not knowing what kind of reaction I'll get.

So to any boos, potential suitors, future husband, etc.: I may feel it (or think I do). I may express it in whatever non-verbal ways I can. Or I may just start acting weird, depending on the situation (just being honest lol). But until you say those three fatal little words, neither will I.

Quote of the Day

Not a notable or inspirational quote. It's just special to me. It was a message from HWHNT & every time I thought about it today it made me smile ^_^

I miss and love you. Can't wait to be in your presence again. I miss your aura.

Is that not the freakin' sweetest?! He didn't point out the physical or say he missed the incredible sex (yeah, I just tooted my horn a little lol). But my aura. My very energy. Aah, that got me!

Never mind me, I'm all warm and fuzzy and mushy today. I'll work on being hard later.

Don't Believe the Hype!

I didn't want to do this post. I didn't wanna address the Single Black Woman "problem"/"epidemic"/"phenomenon" or whatever the media is calling it today. But it's all around me so as the topic of discussion I feel I should have my say.

Why does it seem like the whole world has been on a "po' black woman aint neva gon' git married" tip lately? ("Lately" being the last year, at least) Everyone is throwing around stats about how many black men are in jail, gay, won't date black women or don't have anything past a college education, leaving aaallllll the poor black women without a man. 71% of us are single, 42% of us have never married, 50% of us are never getting married and might as well start stocking up on cats now, 3% of us may be able to get a man of another race, 100% are desperate for a man!

There's a phrase people love: "Men lie, women lie, numbers don't." Well there's another phrase out there too: "There are lies, damned lies, and statistics." Stats can be used to prove or disprove anything, depending on how the questions are asked and how numbers are skewed. So yes there are a lot of "single" black women. How many are single because they don't believe in the institution of marriage or just don't want to be tied down? How many are not interested in men at all? How many are not married but in serious committed relationships? Yeah there are plenty of numbers floating around out there, but ladies and gentlemen, please don't believe the hype!

All of the attention around this issue has lead to a lot of "discussion," i.e., finger pointing. On both sides. Black women saying the reason the majority of us are single is because Black men don't have their shit together. Black men saying we're single because we're too independent/controlling/bitchy/whatever. Others sitting back watching, saying "Those Blacks just can't get it together." C'mon people! Drawing lines in the sand and doing battle is no way to solve any supposed problem we're facing, especially when the problem is "us" not getting together!

Instead of making generalizations and playing the blame game, how about we all take a look inwards. Think about what you as an individual need to work on. What you want from a mate and a relationship. What you've noticed in your previous relationships that didn't work and how you plan to make improvements & prevent it from occurring again. Erase preconceived notions about "black men blah blah blah," "black women blah blah blah" and take each encounter for what its worth, not as the end all be all as far as relationships.

Previouscats or Learning from the past?

Okay, sooo lately I've been noticing some things ("little" things, some would say) that my current whatever-he-is-since-he-doesn't-have-a-title does that are a lot like the trifling sh*t my ex started doing near the end of our relationship. Not necessarily make-or-break things since I don't know the full story behind what's fueling it, but things that have definitely made me perk my ears up and go "Hmmmmm."

Now I hate to be the stereotypical woman who carries over baggage from one relationship to another. I don't say "All men are alike" because I know for a fact that that's just not true. I know these are two totally different guys, different personalities and characters. In some ways they are similar, but in most they are nothing alike... But am I wrong to see certain things as red flags since they've occurred before?

At what point does one go from simply learning from past mistakes and experiences to dealing with a "previouscats" situation? Is it when I start to ask questions about what's going on? When I simply start to compare the incidences? When I say "I know you're doing blah blah blah, because you did/said/went blah blah blah..."? I have so many questions that I want to ask based on the "little" things that he's doing because when I look back on those "little things" in the past, I see that they should have been blaring warning signs.

So is there a difference? Or is it simply a matter of "tomato, to-mah-to"?

ETA: So I went over to dreammoods.com to see if there was anything I could find about why my ex has been popping up in my dreams lately. This came up and I found it to be interesting considering this post:

Ex To dream about your ex-boyfriend/girlfriend or that you and
your ex got back together again, suggests that something or someone in your
current life that is bringing out similar feelings you felt during the
relationship with your ex. The dream may be a way of alerting you to the same or
similar behavior in a current relationship. What you learn from that previous
relationship may need to be applied to the present one so that you do no repeat
the same mistake. Alternatively, past lovers often highlight the positive
experiences you had with that person. It could also signify aspects of yourself
that you have x'd out or neglected.

Who Am I Without Him

Guess what people? This is my last little catharsis post! Back to our regularly scheduled randomness tomorrow (or whenever lol)

For the past week or so, and especially the last couple of days, I have been trying to come to terms with something: My best is not good enough. At least, it's not always good enough for everyone, even when I'm foolish enough to think that someone could be satisfied with me.

I keep thinking that maybe if I wasn't fat... If I hadn't cut my hair... If I was smarter or prettier or more interesting or more powerful or more decisive or more or less something I wouldn't be sitting here trying to work with my eyes overflowing with tears. Maybe if I had been better somehow he wouldn't find it bothersome to be with me. If I'd sacrificed more maybe he'd see how much he meant to me and how much I was willing to do for him and he'd want me. Perhaps if I'd been willing to drop everything and move up there he'd see... But I'm not more than what I am.... And sometimes someone wants more.

That's kind of a hard thing for me to accept. I mean damn, you know what kinda blow to the ego it is when you say "Ta-da!" and present the very best you have to offer, only for the person you want to be like "mmmmm, nah, I think I'll pass." It kinda makes you back up and say "Oooooh wow, really? Let me look at this shit again!" At least, it does for me. Thing is, I don't open up too quick or too easy to many people. But when I do, I go all in. What can I say? I'm a true Taurus: passionate, loyal, and adverse to change. Why should things change when they are good the way they are? And as far as I knew, things were good.

Basically I did what I always do: I became so involved with him that I lost focus of who I am and what I want. Not a good practice, FYI. It's a hard habit to break, but trust me, I am better than I was in the past! But now I'm forced to answer the question "Who am I without him?" When I first began asking this, it was from a negative, pitiful standpoint. "Who am I without him? I must be nobody, I've got nothing." However, the more I think about the situation and my new-found singleness, I am taking it a different way.

On this evening, what would have been our second anniversary, I am determined to truly find out who is Tori D. As I stated earlier on twitter, it's time to focus on the super awesome amazing individual that I am, not the super awesome amazing girlfriend that I could be. This is something that I know I should have done earlier in my life, but better late than never. I've gotta get in touch with my "star player," myself. Not just until the next man comes along, but throughout any other relationships I may embark upon. I hate this feeling of being lost and not knowing what to do. I can't be lost if I already have my own direction.

This is for the best. I get to focus on school and real estate with no distractions. I'm going to be dedicated to getting into shape (not to attract anyone, just to make myself happier and healthier). I'll channel my passions back into my first loves: music, writing... heck, maybe even fashion design again. This is prime time to be selfish. I've been selfish about the wrong things, but it's time to correct that.

Part of me says I should've put this in the blog that no one ever sees, but I needed someone to see it so that 1) I know that I am not the only one who has gone through this and that 2) it can possibly be a help to someone in the future.

So, there you have it. I've made my peace with it.




This post brought to you by Chris Botti & Jill Scott "Good Morning Heartache" because this song is freakin' awesome!

Good Morning Heartache - Chris Botti featuring Jill Scott

My People on Love

sorry yall, bear with me! i'll be on to more randomness soon!

A happy but miserable state in which man finds himself from time to time; sometimes he believes he is happy by loving, then suddenly he finds how miserable he is. It is all joy, it sweetens life, but it does not last. It comes and goes, but when it is active, there is no greater virtue, because it makes one supremely happy.
Marcus Garvey

Everybody need a partner to stand right by their side. Not only down for the good times. But also down through the bad times.
Will Smith

I have learned not to worry about love; but to honor its coming with all my heart.
Alice Walker

Love is like a faucet, it turns off and on.
Billie Holiday

Love is or it ain't. Thin love ain't love at all.
Toni Morrison

The sweetest joy, the wildest woe is love.
Pearl Bailey

The things we truly love stay with us always, locked in our hearts as long as life remains.
Josephine Baker

The Results Are In

If I had to describe today, I would call it... not the best. I got the results of a biopsy I had done last week. The results? Well, "all clear" is the only good result of a biopsy, and that wasn't what I heard. Undergoing surgery soon. Not my first surgery but it's the first dealing with internal organs (had a bone tumor removed when I was a kid).

The real kicker is that I found out who my support system is. Besides my mom, only three other people knew about it. They also knew I was scared shitless. I have been a wreck waiting for the results, and I'm really shaky now that I know the results. I was fortunate to have two really great friends that comforted me, listened to me whine, cheered me up to get my mind off of it, and called/texted today after they thought my doctor's visit was over to see how it went. They showed me that they cared and proved one of my favorite sayings, "Love is an action word." The other person... well, I didn't get that from him. I didn't get anything really. And it left me in shock to be honest. I cried like a baby all weekend because the one person I wanted and needed to hear from to tell me it would be okay was MIA. Hell, I cried like a baby just a few minutes ago (probably still would be if it wasn't for my mom).

But, I know this is for the good. I would much rather find this out now than down the road when it's too late to turn back. Adversity has a way of letting you know who loves you with their heart and who loves you with their mouth. And I'm sorry, the words "I love you" hold no weight without something to back it up. I don't love him any less. I love him more than he could possibly even know. But I gotta love Tori D. first and foremost, and she can't continue to take a backseat.

Long Distance Relationships Suck.

Trust me. I'm a (pseudo) expert, having been in one for nearly two years. Wow, has it been that long already? Definitely entering record-setting territory...




Anyway, here's what prompted this sentiment again today: My dad was going to the doctor this morning, so Momma decided to play hooky from work as well. Around 9:30 I get a call from them talking about "We just wanted to let you know that we're out eating breakfast. Ha ha ha." Yeah, hardy-freakin-har, callin me while I'm starving and stuck at work. Real funny... It made me think about the Fridays that I'm off. I spend those days at the beauty shop & running errands for Big Momma. I would love to do the movies or stay home and cook for someone or just go for a scenic drive... And yeah, I'm well aware that I could do all of these things by myself, but that's not what I want! Occasionally I get tired of doing things solo, tired of being with family all the time, even tired of being with my sorors/girlfriends/friends from church. There is a space that only he fills. Mind out of the gutter, pervs. lol But instead of getting the necessary attention and "boo-luvin" on the regular, its done in 3- or 4-day spurts, spread out over months at a time, almost haphazardly. After all, those 1000 or so miles aren't ideal for a road trip every other week, IMO...

So I'd be lying if I said I didn't think LDRs suck. They do. Like Superhead in a black hole. *rimshot*

As much as I love him, I am frustrated, lonely, tired... And on top of that, I feel guilty for being frustrated, lonely & tired.

But all is not lost! I think I have a solution. I'm off to draw up applications for a platonic boo-friend (to go on non-date dates and such) and stock up on batteries...