On Marriage... Again

Bartender and I have had several discussions on marriage. Although he seems to be opening up to the idea of marriage, there was a conversation that left me thinking. (Let me stop here and note that I have not been trying to convince him to marry me; I've got too much pride and too many options to beg for something like that! LOL) The majority of the conversations have been about why he was fearful or weary of marriage. He gave the typical "Women change/stop giving head/having sex on the regular" excuse for the longest, before finally saying that the commitment was huge and not something that he'd want to go into lightly.

Understandable.

But then he asked me, "Why do you want to get married? What's the benefit for you?"

Initially I wanted to dismiss it as a silly rebuttal, but once I thought about it I had to ask myself the same thing. Really, what is the benefit of me getting married? If I was thinking of starting a family, I would definitely want to be married; but kids are out. Can't really say it's for the financial security; I'm working on that on my own. Plus the likelihood of marrying someone whose credit is as high or higher than mine is low, so that would mean I'd take a hit. I love the emotional security that marriage is supposed to afford, but we all know that marriage is no guarantee of that (just like not being married doesn't mean you won't have it). Tax break? Meh, from what I've read it doesn't amount to a whole lot. I've got insurance from work, got guns for protection. And of course I could look at it from the religious standpoint of needing to be married to do the do without working about eternal damnation and hell fire, but considering my... evolving religious beliefs, I'm not sure how that ties in. Plus, wouldn't marrying just to have sex be wrong? While I still need a man, what is the need for a husband?

But like so many things, even though I feel like I don't need it, I want it. The "want" of marriage for me is knowing that I have such a strong connection (spiritually, physically and mentally) with someone that he is willing to say "You make me so happy that I want to stand before God and the world, vowing to make this work until I take my last breath."

Bartender says I'm still young and naive to how the world works. I tell him that marriage, like anything else, is what one makes of it.

pic courtesy of iamsassychic.com

On Marriage: An Epiphany

This? Eh... eventually.

I've realized something that I guess I hadn't really thought about recently. It wasn't a slap-me-upside-the-head a-ha moment... just a subtle realization.

I've always had this time line in mind about when I wanted to be married and possibly start a family. I wanted to be married by 25. I figured that if I decided to have kids, this would allow my husband and I about three years together, just the two of us. Pop the first kid out at 28, second at 29 or 30. Tubes tied at 31. Ya like how nice and neat I had that worked out, don't you?

But here I am, a few months shy of 26, and I've discovered that I'm okay with the fact that life has not gone according to my plans. In fact, not only am I okay with it, but I would be okay with not getting married until sometime in my 30s. I have so much I want to do right now, things that will require my time and attention over the next couple of years. And while I know it's possible to do the things I want to do while married, I don't think I want to. Instead, devoting myself fully to seeing my dream come to life is what appeals to me. Then I can make that lifelong commitment to my husband. And I've already pretty much settled in my mind that I won't be having kids. Although I had a laundry list of reasons not to have them, I said if the right guy came along in time, I'd be open to it. Well that window has passed! LOL Which means there's even less of a rush to get married.

Of course, if Mr. Right came along today and soon wanted to make me Mrs. Right, I wouldn't fight it. Like I said, it's not impossible to pursue my career goals and be in a serious, committed relationship. And yes, there is a little lingering fear about potentially missing out on marriage all together since this seems to be the ideal age to do it. But... it is what it is. Whenever it happens, should it happen, I'll be okay. Even if it's not today.

What Would You Do?

This weekend I was presented with some soap-worthy drama that I have no idea how to handle.

I have a friend who has recently gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know much about the guy although I'd seen him around before, but other friends expressed their concern that dude was a dog. From brief interaction with him, I knew he was a flirt, but I didn't learn the extent of his actions until Saturday.

While talking to a good friend, this guy came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours met him one night at a club where his band was playing. She asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no, he was single. Long story short: they have a one-night stand, she feels awful & avoids him. One day she & some others run into the couple (while the wife was still pregnant); he plays the "we just met" game. Then he texts her around 5-something in the morning one day, asking if he can come over "to chill." She tells him off & that's that. Later, she finds out that was right after his wife had the baby.

I won't even get into how he tried to get back at another friend of mine who he used to mess around with & tried to holla at again right after getting married....

Basically he's f*cked over two of my friends, and only one of them knows it. He shouldn't get away with that.

So now I'm trying to decide whether I should tell his wife or not. Like I stated, she's a friend. As sweet as she is, she definitely doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And if he's trying to bone two other folks that I know of, imagine how many he may be messing with that I don't know about! I'd hate for him to bring her something she can't get rid of, if ya know what I mean.

And just to add the icing to the cake: I used to talk to this guy's cousin a good little while back. I don't want it to seem like some kind of delayed, roundabout revenge because it's absolutely nothing like that. This could be a whole can of worms that I definitely don't want to get entangled in.

So what would you do? Tell her and let whatever happens happen? Keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Only say something should she mention it? Confront the guy?

Quote of the Day

Okay, today's quote of the day is hilarious to me! It's from one of my cousins & it's about yours truly. Last night my whole fam (all of my cousins that are on facebook) had a complete convo on one cousin's status about who would be next to get married. (Shout out to cuzzo Derrick for putting a ring on it!) My twin cousin put me out there saying I'd probably be next. (Hardy-har-har...) Then her brother chimed in with this:

I don't know. I think Tori's a pimp. I don't see her getting married anytime
soon. She's got some pimp bones in her body. "Keep your heart, T-Mac. Keep your
heart!" -JB

Now this probably doesn't mean jack shyt to anyone else but iRolled reading that! So for putting a smile on my face on a Monday (especially after the kinda messed up stuff that happened last night) my big cuz gets the honor of being immortalized in my Quote of the Day!

Another Myspace Oldie but Goodie: Ten Things My Future Husband Needs To Know

1. An exterminator is not a luxury, not a request. It is mandatory. if i do not get this, you will be called away from any & everything you are doing to come smash any creepy-crawly thing over 1/2 inch.

2. I am not a morning person. My morning conversations consist of a series of grunts, groans, evil facial expressions & eyerolls. Please postpone any real discussions until 11:00 am or until I've had at least two cups of coffee.

3. I have a high sex drive. Imma need to to come with it, and come with it often. If you feel you can't fulfill this, feel free to let me know and I will find a replacement... (j/k... kinda)

4. I always win. I'm always right. The sooner you come to accept this, the more confrontations we can avoid. LOL

5. I want someone who can take control but still give me the illusion that I'm running the show. So lets work on perfecting that...

6. I am a very passionate person when it comes to people I love. I give complete loyalty & I expect the same. Anything less will not do (ya better read up on Taurus women!). I will give you everything I have, and I request everything from you in return.

7. If you can convince me to have kids, I am naming them. I have names for one boy & two girls already, so you better hope for multiples if you got a name you really like.

8. A man that cooks is so sexy. a man that cooks & cleans will get the panty-draws whenever wherever! LMAO Okay, that may be a bit of a stretch, but I want a man who doesn't mind sharing responsibilities around the house. So if you don't know a pot from a skillet or cant separate whites & colors to save your life, you may wanna reevaluate some things before being with me.

9. Be straightforward with me. Imma find out the truth anyway, so don't try to hide it. I am not very nice when i am lied to.

10. Monotony is not the business. I don't like doing the same old same old. Spontaneity & uniqueness get me every time. That lets me know you feel I'm special, so my day/night should be special. Not just the same ol ordinary dinner & movies.

The Broom List

Once again I'm getting ideas from my Twitter fam! :)

This one is courtesy of this article from TheFrisky.com and @NoNamesJustLo (who always has something interesting to tweet). Last night she said

Before I become a Mrs it is my GOAL to attend at least two fashion weeks....one domestic and another abroad.

This got me to thinking. What are some things that I would like to accomplish or begin before I jump the broom? So here is my Broom List (I'm compiling it as I go, so who knows how many things will be on it). Some of it is a little mundane, but they are things that I feel I should and/or need to do. I don't know how many of them will actually be done before I get married, considering I do kinda see it on the horizon already. And if I happen to share some of these with my husband, that's fine. However, some of these are mandatory BEFORE I say "I do." My main reason in wanting to do most of these before marriage is because I either A) think it would be a strain that a new marriage should not have to deal with, or B) want to be able to fully experience some things JUST for ME, without any real obligations or anything to tie me down. This list may expand or shrink, who knows. But these are my pre-nuptial priorities for the moment, in no particular order.

(BTW: If you don't get the title, it's a spin off of the Bucket List, where you list things you want to do before you "kick the bucket." These are things to do before I "jump the broom." What's that you say, you don't understand "jump the broom"? *sigh* Okay, click here.)

1. Travel to Greece and/or Italy.
I have always been fascinated with these countries and would love to be able to travel to either. Being able to take in the sights and sounds I want to... having a peaceful, secluded time to focus and meditate... experiencing the country freely and at my discretion, without interference due to what someone else wants or thinks or needs.... Those things are important to me. Although I'd eventually love to experience this with the future Mr., I want to have my own "private time" there as well.

2. Receive my MBA and real estate agent's license.
I am currently working on my MBA (done December 2010 if all goes well!) and will soon begin working on my RE license. I have to have this done before I become Mrs. so-and-so for two reasons. One is because I don't want to still be in school while becoming acclimated to married life. I know some people can do this, and kudos to them, but I can only juggle so much. Secondly, if I already have these things in place, I feel that I will be in a better position career-wise and financially. I don't want to go into a marriage barely bringing anything to the table. I want to already have some things going for myself.

3. Pay off all & close most of my credit cards, pay down my major 1 or 2 cards, and eliminate as much of my student loan debt as possible.
This is another MUST. Truly, this is something that I need to do as soon as possible anyway, whether married or not. Carrying around a bunch of debt is no bueno on your psyche or your bank account. Fortunately my credit card debt isn't that high (if I get this job I'm applying for, I'll be able to have them all paid off within about 4-5 months!) but student loans are another story. I want to have a nice dent in those before walking down the isle. After all, once he & I become "we" then we also have "our" debt to deal with. I want that to be as minimal as it can be. Plus, it's always nice to know that your credit is in great shape (I'm pretty darn good right now, but I'd love to be better.)

4. Live alone for at least a year.
This is probably laughable to most of y'all, but I am serious! I know a lot of young women who either got married straight from their parents' house, or are waiting to do so. I'm still living with my folks right now (hard times, my people, hard times) but I cannot see myself going straight from their roof to living with my husband. I need a transition period. A period of freedom where I can walk around my place butt naked without fear of my hidden tat being seen or of being groped when I really don't feel like it. I want a place where I can put my inner interior designer to work without other people's input. I want to come and go as I please without the "friendly checkup calls." I want a chance to get lonely in my own place before permanently sharing my space with a man.

5. Buy my own real diamonds.
In my opinion, a girl should have at least one piece of real diamond jewelry (ring, necklace, earrings, something) that she bought for herself, just so she won't be blinded by some lackluster man and his "bling" or promises to buy her something. Of course I know not every woman looks for that or is really affected by that, but there are some that are easily impressed by the small material things. I just think that maybe they wouldn't be so easily electrified by it if they could wave their hand or pull the hair back from their ear to reveal a genuine gem and say "I've got my own. What else can you offer me?"

6. Throw a party.
For some reason, I've always pictured my married life full of dinner parties, summer backyard barbecues, Superbowl parties, book club meetings, etc. I want to be the hostess with the mostest. But then it hit me: I've never even had a little house party! So once #3 happens, I will try my hand at a nice, mid-sized theme party. I'm anxious to see how this goes...

7. Get published.This may be vain but I really don't care. I simply want something, a public record, that shows that I am about making moves, sharing thoughts & ideas, and inspiring others. I want it known that I am just as great as Ms. Tori D. as I will be as Mrs. Tori D. ________