crumbling

I usually don't post my poetry on here... Most of that is intensely personal. This piece is no different, but I felt like it needed to be shared. Wrote this a couple days ago when I was deep in my funk.


i wonder if other people feel themselves
going crazy

guess everything crumbles over time
just like the great ancient structures succumb
so, apparently, has my mind

that's what happens when shit crumbles
a fragment here,
fragment there
you may glue them back
but there are still cracks
still holes
still tiny bits of me that will never be complete

sanity isnt finite

i laugh to keep from crying
but i end up doing both
and looking crazier than i really am

damn.

i am a jagged edge of emotion
ready to jab, cut, kill
someone
anyone
me

i'm something like crazy
crazy bitch
and perhaps i deserve it
i've done some trifling shit

guilt is a heavy weight
i'm weak.
i can't handle it
not when i have other shit to deal with
other burdens to carry
i can only take so much before i.....

escape!
i just want to escape
myself.

i am full of venom...
bitter
potent
i consume others as it paralyzes me

i am falling apart
pieces are everywhere
no one cares
enough to pick them up

i've come undone,
irreparably

i'm cr
u
m
bl i
n

g

Quarter Life Crisis

I think I'm smack in the middle of one.
It's not fun.
It's really rather sucky.
Highs and lows.
(Hell, I hope it's a QLC & not a sign that I'm bi-polar or something & really more messed up in the head than I realized.)
I need help. And I know saying that here probably doesn't mean a thing (because I know no one really reads it) but I'm still saying it here.
The point of this post?
Nothing really.
Unless you wanna consider it a cry for help, maybe?
Anyway, don't like it?
There is a big brown ass to kiss on your way out.

Thank you for your time.
:)

Upgrade (Tori D., 2.0)

Lately I've been thinking that it's time to make some changes. Although I'm looking into some major changes (trying to get a new job, possibly move to a new city), some small changes need to be made as well. I know I could survive without them; it's possible that I could push it out of my mind and still be successful. But I don't know if I could be happy being stagnant. No, scratch that; I know I can't be happy without growth. I want to tap into the real Tori D., the Tori D. that comes out when no one else is around. When I'm not stressing about work or school. The Tori D. that I would be all the time if I could be. And why can't I be?

Anyway, I feel like I'm starting to ramble, so let me get back on track.

There are three main areas that I want to focus on:
The physical
The mental
The spiritual/emotional

While I will not go into details here about what I plan to start doing (or start doing more/better), I do have some definite things in mind that I have already begun and will begin ASAP. I will say one thing: I definitely have to tap into my creative side more. I feel almost suppressed and I think that is the release I need. Poetry, music, painting, I want to do it all!

Anyhoo, I'm excited about the growth that is currently and will soon take place in my life. I feel that change (for the better) is necessary, and I'm ready to embrace it, then grow and learn from it.

Acting on faith or Acting prematurely?

For a while, I have tried to figure out the difference, or whether there is a difference, between the two. I know what faith is (Webster's definition: "confidence or trust in a person or thing; belief that is not based on proof." Biblical definition: "substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.") and although I do struggle with it from time to time, I do *think* I have faith in most situations. And in having faith, I try to act on it.



Case in point: I've applied for yet another job, this time in Jackson. Looking at the qualifications and job description, I know I can do this job. I truly believe this is the job for me for right now, and I have faith that I will get this job. (I have that pit of my stomach, gut-feeling that I've gotten for just about every job I've actually gotten.) So, since I believe I am claiming it as MY JOB, I've already set up a budget & my plan for paying off bills. I've determined how much longer I will stay with my folks and have started looking at apartments I could afford on my own. I've started researching the different departments and people I will have to interact with and picking out new little office items I'd like to have when I move. I've started cleaning a few things out and off of my desk, filing some things away, showing others where things are and how to do certain things that I do.



However, today I stopped and asked myself: Am I acting on faith? Or am I merely getting overly excited and "counting my chickens before they hatch" as the old saying goes? I want to believe that I am being led to do all of this because I won't be at this current job much longer, but will be at a new agency instead. But how do I know whether I'm jumping the gun?

I would hate to think that I'm setting myself up for failure, but it is a possibility. How many times do we set ourselves up like that, whether it be with jobs, relationships, etc.? We expect certain things, count on certain things happening and act accordingly. So when things don't go as planned, have we made the disappointment even worse on ourselves by acting on our expectations and our faith, or were we justified in doing so? And how do you know when it really is faith and not just excitement & being anxious to make something happen whether it's meant to be or not.

These are just my musings on the subject. I don't have any answers, which is really too bad considering I need some.

The Broom List

Once again I'm getting ideas from my Twitter fam! :)

This one is courtesy of this article from TheFrisky.com and @NoNamesJustLo (who always has something interesting to tweet). Last night she said

Before I become a Mrs it is my GOAL to attend at least two fashion weeks....one domestic and another abroad.

This got me to thinking. What are some things that I would like to accomplish or begin before I jump the broom? So here is my Broom List (I'm compiling it as I go, so who knows how many things will be on it). Some of it is a little mundane, but they are things that I feel I should and/or need to do. I don't know how many of them will actually be done before I get married, considering I do kinda see it on the horizon already. And if I happen to share some of these with my husband, that's fine. However, some of these are mandatory BEFORE I say "I do." My main reason in wanting to do most of these before marriage is because I either A) think it would be a strain that a new marriage should not have to deal with, or B) want to be able to fully experience some things JUST for ME, without any real obligations or anything to tie me down. This list may expand or shrink, who knows. But these are my pre-nuptial priorities for the moment, in no particular order.

(BTW: If you don't get the title, it's a spin off of the Bucket List, where you list things you want to do before you "kick the bucket." These are things to do before I "jump the broom." What's that you say, you don't understand "jump the broom"? *sigh* Okay, click here.)

1. Travel to Greece and/or Italy.
I have always been fascinated with these countries and would love to be able to travel to either. Being able to take in the sights and sounds I want to... having a peaceful, secluded time to focus and meditate... experiencing the country freely and at my discretion, without interference due to what someone else wants or thinks or needs.... Those things are important to me. Although I'd eventually love to experience this with the future Mr., I want to have my own "private time" there as well.

2. Receive my MBA and real estate agent's license.
I am currently working on my MBA (done December 2010 if all goes well!) and will soon begin working on my RE license. I have to have this done before I become Mrs. so-and-so for two reasons. One is because I don't want to still be in school while becoming acclimated to married life. I know some people can do this, and kudos to them, but I can only juggle so much. Secondly, if I already have these things in place, I feel that I will be in a better position career-wise and financially. I don't want to go into a marriage barely bringing anything to the table. I want to already have some things going for myself.

3. Pay off all & close most of my credit cards, pay down my major 1 or 2 cards, and eliminate as much of my student loan debt as possible.
This is another MUST. Truly, this is something that I need to do as soon as possible anyway, whether married or not. Carrying around a bunch of debt is no bueno on your psyche or your bank account. Fortunately my credit card debt isn't that high (if I get this job I'm applying for, I'll be able to have them all paid off within about 4-5 months!) but student loans are another story. I want to have a nice dent in those before walking down the isle. After all, once he & I become "we" then we also have "our" debt to deal with. I want that to be as minimal as it can be. Plus, it's always nice to know that your credit is in great shape (I'm pretty darn good right now, but I'd love to be better.)

4. Live alone for at least a year.
This is probably laughable to most of y'all, but I am serious! I know a lot of young women who either got married straight from their parents' house, or are waiting to do so. I'm still living with my folks right now (hard times, my people, hard times) but I cannot see myself going straight from their roof to living with my husband. I need a transition period. A period of freedom where I can walk around my place butt naked without fear of my hidden tat being seen or of being groped when I really don't feel like it. I want a place where I can put my inner interior designer to work without other people's input. I want to come and go as I please without the "friendly checkup calls." I want a chance to get lonely in my own place before permanently sharing my space with a man.

5. Buy my own real diamonds.
In my opinion, a girl should have at least one piece of real diamond jewelry (ring, necklace, earrings, something) that she bought for herself, just so she won't be blinded by some lackluster man and his "bling" or promises to buy her something. Of course I know not every woman looks for that or is really affected by that, but there are some that are easily impressed by the small material things. I just think that maybe they wouldn't be so easily electrified by it if they could wave their hand or pull the hair back from their ear to reveal a genuine gem and say "I've got my own. What else can you offer me?"

6. Throw a party.
For some reason, I've always pictured my married life full of dinner parties, summer backyard barbecues, Superbowl parties, book club meetings, etc. I want to be the hostess with the mostest. But then it hit me: I've never even had a little house party! So once #3 happens, I will try my hand at a nice, mid-sized theme party. I'm anxious to see how this goes...

7. Get published.This may be vain but I really don't care. I simply want something, a public record, that shows that I am about making moves, sharing thoughts & ideas, and inspiring others. I want it known that I am just as great as Ms. Tori D. as I will be as Mrs. Tori D. ________

I'm Self-Hating because of my hair? Say What?!

As I mentioned yesterday and have probably said a time or two before here, I'm considering letting my relaxed hair grow out and wearing my hair natural. The majority of my line sisters are natural, which is what first prompted me to look into it. Now, I meet more and more Black women who are either transitioning or have been natural for a while.



While I have not made a decision about what I want to do just yet, I have been all over the net trying to gather information about transitioning, finding cute natural hairstyles, pros & cons of both relaxed & natural hair, etc. Although I have come across some helpful articles and e-associates that have answered questions, posted pics, and tried to convince me to let go of the creamy crack, I have also come across something else. Something disturbingly common. Something not so friendly from current naturalistas.



Site after site after site, I see black women bashing other black women who use perms. According to them, we can't accept ourselves the way God made us. We are trying to live up to a European standard of beauty. We've been brainwashed by The Man. We hate ourselves. Seriously, I have to hate myself because I don't currently wear my hair natural? Ummm, excuse me, but GTFOOHWTBS.



From what I'm seeing, some of these ladies are reacting to years of taunting--maybe even back to childhood--because they were called nappy-headed, etc. Now, although I'm not a part of the natural movement, I thought that many had come to embrace the term "nappy." "Happy to be nappy," "naptural," Nappy Roots. (Okay, I just threw the last one in there, but where did those guys go?) Although they--those that made the comments I am referring to--are claiming to be proud of who they are and perceive themselves to be blacker and stronger than their relaxed counterparts, they are doing the same thing that they've condemned others for: classifying and debasing others strictly on account of their hair. And considering they claim to love themselves and be confident in who they are, it seems they would let these "insults" roll off of their backs. But alas, we know everybody ain't what they say they are.

My biggest problem with those comments is that they lump all of us non-natural sistahs in a category and make broad assumptions. "They view natural hair as ugly... bad hair." They who? Don't feign to know how I feel just by the way I wear my hair. I have seen plenty of natural styles that made me completely jealous (simply because I know I don't have the patience to get my hair to the point it needs to be for intricate loc designs). And the condescending statements like, "They say they have perms to make their hair more manageable. Shouldn't you know how to manage your natural hair? It's what you were born with after all. Not that wanna-be white stuff." Pump ya breaks!! Most of the black women I know have had perms since they were little. I have had mine since I was about four or five years old. That means that before I was trying to manage anything about my look, my hair was relaxed, so how the hell would I just automatically know how to take care of natural hair? I would have to learn, just like I had to learn how to deal with my hair in its current state. So no, I shouldn't automatically know what to do with it. Thanks.

The final thing that ticks me off about this is the bold, broad, untrue belief that you cannot have healthy relaxed hair. In the words of B. Scott, "Bitch, boo, bye!" As I stated, I've had a perm for 20 years and guess what? My hair is long, strong and healthy! It's not simply having a perm that makes hair unhealthy, it's not knowing how to take care of it and doing any and everything to your hair. (Oddly enough, I really don't know how to take care of my hair for real for real. LOL Fortunately I come from a family of cosmetologist so I can get it taken care of properly and for the low!) The same would be true for those that are natural. Not everyone's hair can withstand the same things; so even natural hair can be damaged, brittle, dry, and yes even unmanageable if not cared for as it should be.

So, before I step off of my soapbox, let me say this. The way I wear my hair, much like the clothes I wear and my makeup if/when I choose to wear it, is a matter of personal choice. That means that for whatever reason, it makes me happy, and that reason could be completely different from what you THINK it is. As India.Arie sang, "I am NOT my hair," and that is true for all, whether natural, permed, bald, whatever! We get enough flack, insults and "curiosity" from others about our uniquely African features. I shouldn't have to deal with it from those who claim to embrace blackness so.