The Eclectic

Final Post

2011-05-17T09:03:00.000-05:00

Well, this is it! It is finally time to say goodbye to Blogger and The Eclectic. But there is a bit of good news:

There will be brand new posts over on KinxnQuirx starting MONDAY, MAY 23!

Yup, a whole week earlier than anticipated!

Thank you for making The Eclectic what it was. I look forward to seeing you at KnQ soon!

The Eclectic is Moving!

2011-05-04T10:23:00.001-05:00

Yes, my dears & sirs. It's time to move on from here. Blogger has been great but it's time to move on to greener pastures.I want to expand my writing and my personal brand, and this is one step towards that. The Good Hair Diaries and The Eclectic will be combined at my new site, Kinx n Quirx. All of the old posts from both sites will be imported into the new one, and I will leave both blogs up with a redirect to the new site.

The site is still being built, but you are able to read, comment and connect via Google Friend Connect. No new posts until the official "grand opening" of the blog, which should be by May 30. (Yeah, I know that seems like a long time, but between a couple of real estate closings--thank ya Lawd!--and celebrating my birthday hard all month, doesn't seem like I have that long.)

As always, I love suggestions about topics, features, etc. so feel free to email me at ToriDBlogs@gmail.com and shoot me your ideas! Hopefully I will see all of you, plus some new faces, over at the new site!

Proving Yourself

2011-04-28T10:15:00.000-05:00

For some people, your best will never be enough.No matter how intelligent, charismatic, kind, or whatever other positive attribute Unfortunately, such is the case with our current Commander-In-Chief, President Obama. Yesterday, after years of brushing off the "birthers" who refuse to believe that he is a US citizen by birth, he presented his long-form birth certificate.

As if it weren't all verified before he became a serious candidate. As if he owed these birthers something. As if a Black man could not attain that level of power without it being part of some deep-seated conspiracy to change the America "we know and love."

In the words of @JamilSmith, "This reminds me of is a Black man being forced to show his papers proving he's a freed man. It's not equivalent, but reminiscent."

But of course they aren't satisfied. As I tweeted yesterday, they will never be satisfied because he can never change his skin. And this morning I read a post of 20 examples of Birther/Tea Partiers bitching about the legitimacy of the document, how long it took him to release it, now stating he needs to show his grades from school.... Really? Fuckin really, America?! Have a seat boo, you're bigotry, hatred, fear and racism are showing. And everyone sees it.

I'm too disgusted to finish. Part two when I'm more composed.

YPW: The YP Bookshelf

2011-04-22T09:06:00.002-05:00

*due to several factors I wasn't able to get this posted yesterday but I wanted to make sure I shared it!*

One thing I have learned is that no matter how long you've been working, how well you know your job, or whether or not you went to school for a certain field, you can always benefit from reading more about the business. There is plenty of material out there pertaining to specific areas (such as the two real estate books ~~I should have finished long ago but am still~~ I'm reading, The Millionaire Real Estate Agent and Shift). But even better, in my opinion, are books that teach you about managing your career and how to deal with different aspects of business regardless of what your business is.

Once we make the move to the new blog (more on that to come) there will be a section entitled "From the Bookshelf," which will feature book reviews, discussions, etc. I thought I'd get a head start on that by listing just a few books that I think would be beneficial for young professionals. Of course it's likely that they won't all fit you, but you should be able to find something relatable in this list. It isn't complete, and some of them are still on my to-read list, but have made it here by virtue of the excerpts I have read. Full reviews coming later!

Already Read

1. You're Too Smart for This: Beating the 100 Big Lies About Your First Job
I wish I'd read this before getting my first "real" job. It would've prepared me for some of the things that I encountered as a fresh young grunt.

2. Who Moved My Cheese
When I read this in college for one of my business classes, it didn't make much of an impact on me. However, after getting out in the real world and dealing with change on the regular, this book proved to be pretty valuable.

3. The Girls Guide to Kicking Your Career in Gear
Great book on how to take control of your work life, even when it looks like the boys club has things on lock. I enjoyed this one and revisit it from time to time.

Reading/To-Read

1. Less: Accomplishing More by Doing Less
2. Z.B.A.: Zen of Business Administration--How Zen Practice Can Transform Your Life and Your Work
3. Crucial Conversations and Crucial Confrontations (complementary books)
4. 32 Ways to Be a Champion in Business
5. Surviving Your Serengeti: 7 Skills to Master Business and Life

YPW: What Is Your Online Reputation?

2011-04-20T15:42:00.000-05:00

How fitting that this would fall on 4/20, as I see many on my Twitter timeline publicly discussing their drug use. Some even have their real full name in the profile. O_o

More and more, employers are checking out their employees and potential employees via the web. According to an article posted yesterday on Time.com, "A 2010 study by Microsoft and Cross-Tab, a market-research agency, found that 78% of surveyed U.S. companies examined the search-engine results of prospective hires. The study also found that 86% of employers reported that a positive online reputation factors into their hiring decision." They want to see "the real you," not just your representative from the interview. What will they find when they Google you?

Take a moment and do a search for your name. Go ahead, I'll wait. *plays hold muzak*

source

So what did you find? When I search my full name, I get my results related to my business: the real estate website & blog, a professional Twitter handle, and my LinkedIn account. There are also a ton of results that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Guess my name is more common than I thought, which can be a mixed blessing.

The Internet makes it easy to give TMI, sometimes without even realizing it. If you find some not-so-great results for yourself, you may be able to do damage control. Facebook is the biggie here. You notice I didn't list Facebook above. That's because I am militant about my security settings; I check, check and check again. So no, you won't find that by doing a public search. However, that is not necessarily foolproof, so you still need to safeguard your account. Un-tag pictures that may cast a negative light (drug use, extreme drunkenness, displaying weapons), monitor what goes on your wall (keep profanity to a minimum and discourage profanity and hate speech from others), and refrain from the negative comments about your boss, coworkers, customers, etc. I know the last one is tempting! But trust me, managers tend to look down on those kind of things. The same is true for Twitter, Myspace ~~if you haven't stepped out of 2005~~, and whatever other social networks you may be on. (If you just must have an online venue to vent, I suggest a Twitter or Tumblr account under an alias with a different email address than what's listed on your resume. Can't be too careful!)

If you don't have much info coming up, or if you want to add more positive results, there are several things you can do. Create a LinkedIn account and be sure to update it at least twice a week. (For the uninitiated, LinkedIn is sort of like Facebook but specifically for the purpose of networking with other professionals). Do the same for Twitter. If you don't want to go through the hassle of creating two Twitter accounts, don't! You can make yours what I call a blended account where you discuss business and share select personal information (basically, remember yesterday's rule of not over-sharing and apply it here). You may also want to create a blog to get your name out there. Do one that is strictly professional, or follow the same format you would for the blended Twitter account. It may take a little time to get listed higher up in the rankings, but with regular activity it will happen. (Let me pause here to say that I am ignorant when it comes to Search Engine Optimization. I'm learning, but I can't tell you a thing about it right now, so do like me and do some research on how SEO can be helpful to you.)

Lastly, if you need help burying negative info that you have no control over, you need to bring out the big guns. The professionals. Companies like Reputation.com and Integrity Defenders work to bury negative info (because it's almost impossible to erase stuff from the 'net) under a ton of positive info. These people know all about SEO, search algorithms, all that good stuff. Of course, it will cost you and it can be pretty pricey, so this is not a quick fix because you don't want to change your Facebook privacy settings. This is some in-depth damage control.

So fellow young professionals, how well do you manage your online reputation? Now that you are in "the real world" have you changed your perception of social media and how it's used? Speak on it!

YPW: Make Yourself Marketable

2011-04-19T15:59:00.000-05:00

There is an uncomfortable truth that young professionals--and even the not-so-young--have to come to grips with. The days of remaining loyal to one company for 30-something years and retiring in comfort off of your pension plan are long gone. These days, one must often move out to move up, and simply being "good enough" is not enough to get you where you want to be. You have to make yourself marketable, make hiring managers want you on their team because they see you as an asset. The most effective way to do this is through education and training.

You may be thinking, "No no no, I'm not going back to school! I've got all the degrees I need/want for this job." Understandable! I am right there with you (at least, for the time being). Although having x number of degrees is pretty impressive, that's not the only type of education out there for you. Don't think that you can only gain knowledge by sitting in a professor's classroom for a couple semesters. There are other avenues through which you can learn and make yourself more valuable to your current company, future companies who may be looking to hire you, and yourself should you decide to branch out on your own.

Of course, one of the biggest, easiest ways is by looking for information online. If you're like me, you've got access to (and take advantage of) the Internet 24/7. Why not take a break from Twitter to check out an article written by some of the leaders in your industry. Not sure who that might be? Google is your friend! Search for "trends in [industry name]" or "[your industry] industry leaders." The names that come up first and most often are usually the ones you want to go with. However, you must exercise some caution and common sense; there are scams almost everywhere. Beware of links that try to sell you something or that go to shady looking sites. There is also a wealth of information to be found in publications that relate to the type of business you do, such as industry journals and business books. Sure it may seem archaic, but crack open a book sometime to learn more about your business. You'd be amazed at the "a-ha" moments you have once you understand the ins and outs of what you do.

Reading and doing your research is excellent, but that's not the only type of education you need. If you are fortunate enough to work at a company that provides or pays for training, attend as often as possible. This is especially important when the training involves people from other agencies or companies, because they offer benefits beyond the obvious. For example, I am taking part in an Administrative Support Certification Program (ASCP). Of course I don't plan on working in an administrative assistant position for the rest of my career, so why am I taking it? Well, the obvious reason is because it will allow me to learn skills to enhance my current job and make me eligible for a little raise. However, the big bonus here is networking. Some of the instructors work or have worked in fields that interest me: grant writing & management, publishing, consulting, music! And some of the other participants are working in agencies that I would like to work for. I've even connected with other real estate agents and gotten leads from them. Networking with others gives you a chance to pick their brains for ideas that you may be able to implement, leads for job opportunities, and new lunch spots to try.

I would also advise not limiting yourself to the training your job provides. After all, what if your company can't/doesn't provide any at all? You have to take the initiative and find the training that will be beneficial to you. And think outside of the box! Are you in a position or one day hope to be in a position that requires making presentations? Become a part of your local Toastmasters Club. While it's not a traditional "training" you get the experience of making presentations, and mistakes, without having it affect your career. Find conferences and other training opportunities that interest you, then find a way to incorporate them into your work. If you're passionate about it, it will show!

Finally, find professional organizations related to what you do. Some of them may be free, or you can get your employer to offset the cost for you. If you are in the industry that you want to work in long term (or at least one you can see yourself in for a couple years) it would most likely be worth the annual fee. The benefits of being a part of a professional organization are basically the same as the other benefits we've discussed: networking (on a large scale this time) and more training opportunities. Even if you cannot find a professional org that specifically relates to your field, you should try a generic professional group, such as NBMBAA or Young Professional Alliance if there is one in your area.

To the young professionals reading this post, what have you done to make yourself marketable?

Young Professionals Week (YPW): Presenting Yourself Professionally

2011-04-18T15:20:00.002-05:00

Although I am an artiste at heart, I am also very business oriented. One of my greatest goals in life is to help others, minority girls in particular, to understand and excel at business. True, not everyone will be an entrepreneur or even work in an industry that involves your typical "business." However, the majority of us will have to work for and with someone else, and in doing so we must learn how to present ourselves professionally. It is critical to our success--and our paycheck!

So how exactly do you present yourself professionally? There are a couple of simple things you can do to show the more refined, business-minded side of yourself, regardless of the nature of your business.

source

When it comes to jewelry and makeup, less is more.
I was recently in a training where an older woman had multiple rings on every. single. finger. Add that to the earrings, necklaces (yes, multiple) and bracelet she had on... When she spoke, where do you think all of the attention went? To the mounds of jewelry, not to what she was saying! Accessorizing and using makeup to enhance your appearance is great. It projects the image that you care about your job and how the company is presented. However, too much of a good thing really isn't a good thing at all. Practice moderation when it comes to the makeup and jewelry.

Be 110% sure that your clothing is work-appropriate.
Whether you are working with kids, working with power brokers or working with power tools, there is appropriate attire for your job.Since I'm still in the confines of a traditional office job (for now) I focus on that area. Of course, your employer will already have a dress code--most likely written in the policy, but some places it is simply implied. If you're not sure, remember: if you wear it to the club, it's a no. That means the low-cut, super-short, and tight tight outfits are a no-go. After all, you're there to handle business, not sleep your way to the top, right? Also, if you wear it to bed, do NOT bring that to the office! Yes, I have seen some people in places of business dressed as if they were lounging around the house. I can't imagine they were there long. Please leave the sweats, PJ bottoms and Pajama Jeans at home... even if they are comfy. And guys, you aren't off the hook either! The loud Steve Harvey suits with the jacket to your knees? Sir, just say no. I would advise you to say no to buying them at all, but if you must buy them, relegate their wear to Easter service and the Playa's Ball.

Don't over share.
Sure, you're an adult and expected to enjoy adult activities. But do you really think it's appropriate to share how drunk you got over the weekend? Or how good your partners *ahem* skills are? Or how you're gonna whoop so-and-so's behind if they cross you again? Not in the office, it's not. If you've got a coworker that happens to be a good friend, feel free to talk about all of that after hours, preferably at happy hour. Better yet, leave the sordid details of your life outside of work to convos with pals with different employers. Be cordial, of course, but know when and where to draw the line.

Check and double-check your work.
The most important part of your professional presentation is how effectively and efficiently you do your work. No matter how polished you appear physically, if your work appears sloppy, you appear unprofessional. If you are sending out any written document, you need to double check for clarity as well as spelling and grammar. Make certain that presentations meet any guidelines that have been given (such as an allotted time) and that your message is clear and concise. Don't simply rely on spell check to catch errors. If at all possible, have someone else proofread your work

Of course these aren't the last word in professionalism, so what do you have to say? What advice would you give other young professionals? What, in your opinion, is a definite way to portray yourself as unprofessional?

Morning Quickie: Theme Weeks

2011-04-08T11:25:00.000-05:00

I'm going to try my hand at something that I've never really done, save the Seven Deadly Sins challenge. I'm going to start doing theme weeks from time to time, with random posts done on the "off" weeks. The idea behind this is that a theme will 1) force me to post more, 2) help me to develop topics easily, and 3) allow me to write more about my readers' (and my own) interests. A few themes have come to mind, like Greek Week, Tweet Week and Week of the Ex to name a few. I will also be taking topics from The Daily Post, Blogging for Branding, and any other sites, articles, etc. that inspire me. (If I lift an idea from another blogger or site, trust that I'm giving credit where it's due.) I'm also open to ~~challenges~~ suggestions from readers. If you have a topic that you think would be interesting, send it to me! Feel free to leave it in the comments or email me at ToriDBlogs@gmail.com. First theme week starts on April 17. I'm excited. :)

Did They Die in Vain?

2011-04-04T09:36:00.000-05:00

source

Forty-three years ago today, Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. was assassinated in Memphis, TN. His legacy of fighting for equality and civil rights lives on to this day. He dreamed of a better day for his people and for all people. Some would argue that this has happened, in that we cannot legally be discriminated against based on color, nationality, and gender. Some go as far as to say the fact that President Obama is in office the the culmination of Dr. King's dream. I am not one of those with rose-colored glasses. I know that the dream has not been fully realized, as racial profiling, economic inequality and the "glass ceiling" that minorities face in business is still very real.

But we must take a look inward to see what we have done to either further his dream or hinder it. Have we as a people lost focus of what's truly important? Does equality and the chance to achieve the "American dream" hold as much weight as the latest dance or what our favorite reality TV stars are doing? Do we as a people still have the sense of unity and community that we once had? When we remember the legacy of men like Dr. King, Malcolm X, Medgar Evers, James Chaney, Andrew Goodman, Michael Schwerner, Rosa Parks and countless others--known and unknown--it is not enough to say "thank you." We must show that we are thankful for their sacrifices by living up to our potential, continuing the fight for equality and refocusing on the things that matter most. Every day that we don't, we are saying that they died in vain.

Pandemic: The Adult Temper Tantrum

2011-03-29T15:48:00.000-05:00

Wasn't cute then...

There is a disturbing trend in our society that has exploded within the last few years. More and more, people are flying off the handle about things, whether they be as insignificant as a .50 price hike on their favorite food at Taco Bell or as major as losing a job. And of course you can't forget the celebrity hissy fits, of which Charlie Sheen and Chris Brown are currently leading the way. Every other day there is a new story or video of someone freaking out and destroying property, assaulting others, or just making an ass of themselves by running their mouths and making threats. Meltdowns are mainstream thanks to camera phones and the web, and there appears to be some unspoken contest to see who can spaz out the best... or worst.

I will admit, I wish adults were given a pass to throw a temper tantrum once or twice a year. A full out, on the floor, kicking screaming yelling crying fit! (In fact, I would've used mine last night after realizing that I may have to delay getting my own place even longer than I thought... Another post for another time.) After all, life is stressful and always bottling those frustrations gets to be a bit much. Nowadays everyone is under pressure: the haves & have nots; the educated & the ignorant. People need an outlet for their frustrations, which is understandable. But is there ever anything that justifies going ape sh*t over a burger? (Literally, this chick and her friends look and act like monkeys in this video.)

Read more »

Doing The Most vs. Doing Too Much

2011-03-18T16:31:00.000-05:00

Lately I've been wondering if I've been doing too much to try to make it. IMO, there is absolutely a difference between "doing the most" and "doing too much."

For me, this is doing the most:

Working hard, or "grinding" as so many people claim to do. While I haven't quite stepped into the role of entrepreneur (yet) I realize that to get where I want to be, I have to do things that I don't necessarily want to do now. So I endure a job I don't like, persevere through a career I love that is at a stand still due to the economy, and daily come up with new ideas of how I can turn my real passions (writing and the arts) into viable means of income.

But I'm afraid I may have fallen into doing too much:

I wonder if this is me. Focus has always been hard for me and it's no different now. I know the end result that I want, but getting there is proving to be more difficult than I envisioned. So I try to take on more and more to make up for what isn't happening that I think should be happening. So far, this has lead to being super stressed, constantly tired, and getting a bunch of nothing done.

Does that mean I'm not built for the kind of dreams to which I aspire? Or am I just doing too much for the moment and need to pace myself? At this point, the answer eludes me. I've slowed down on some things: put chartering a NBMBAA chapter on hold, kinda dropped some of my sorority obligations (which I feel terrible about, but there's not enough Tori to go around), cut out the tiny bit of social life that I had. And although I don't have a choice with the job and career, I am weighing my options on the other ideas to figure out which is the best for me presently.

I'd hate to get burned out from doing too much before I get to show the world what I can really do.

Houston, We Have a Problem

2011-03-14T09:23:00.001-05:00

Saturday night, something shifted concerning my relationship. It seemed kinda minor at the time, but two days later and it's still bothering me.

Bartender and I were talking, and somehow the topic of foreigners came up in the convo. I don't really remember what he said, but I responded, "Oh my God, you sound like a friggin Tea Partier!"

"Huh?"

"You sound like a Tea Partier!"

"Tea Partier? What do you mean?"

"You mean, you don't know about the Tea Party?"

"Yeah, I know about the Boston Tea Party when they threw the tea in the ocean, but it sounded like you meant some new party that took on that name."

"Umm yeah, I do!"

Read more »

National Women and Girls HIV/AIDS Awareness Day

2011-03-10T09:46:00.001-06:00

image courtesy of theredpumpproject.org

"I don't want to know."

"Ignorance is bliss."

"If I have it, there's nothing I can do about it."

There are plenty of excuses one could give for not knowing their status, but none of them are plausible. Knowing your status is a vital part of the fight against HIV/AIDS, and we as women cannot afford to turn a blind eye to it. Women, especially minority women, are disproportionately affected by this horrible disease. Want proof?

Every 35 minutes, a woman tests positive for HIV in the United States. Though much progress has been made in the areas of HIV/AIDS prevention and treatment, women still represent 27 percent of all new AIDS diagnoses, with African-American women making up an overwhelming 66 percent of that number. In 2006, teen girls represented 39% of AIDS cases reported among 13–19 year-olds. Black teens represented 69% of cases reported among 13–19 year-olds; Latino teens represented 19%. (source*)

On Being a Woman

2011-03-08T16:44:00.000-06:00

You may or may not know this, but March is Women's History Month. In fact, today is the 100th anniversary of International Women's Day, "a celebration of the economic, political and social achievements of women past and present that is observed around the world." It is great that women everywhere are taking time to recognize and honor the achievements of other women, great and small.

I have been blessed to be surrounded by strong women who make great strides daily. Of course there's my mother: her high school counselor didn't even present college as an option, however she went, excelled, and is now over the accounting department in on of the state's largest agencies. My big momma, who worked tirelessly for years to provide not only for her children and grandchildren, but for countless nieces, nephews, cousins and neighbors. My twin cousin, who is pursuing her Master's in a field where women (especially Black women) haven't been prominent for very long: engineering. And my broker, who at less than 10 years my senior is living the dream I want--owning my own real estate firm.

Aunts, cousins, sorors, family friends... The caliber of women I am around astounds me!

There are constant reminders that being a woman is not synonymous with being weaker, less capable, or more vulnerable. Proof that a woman's worth is not in her womb. At this point in my life I have come to truly appreciate the duality that I am afforded by being a woman. My soft, feminine, nurturing side is just as appreciated and celebrated as the traditionally "masculine" traits and interests. My hope is that others around me, especially the girls in my life, will see something in me that makes them proud to be a woman as well.

A Refresher

2011-02-28T09:48:00.000-06:00

When I moved into my new office last year, I inherited a plant. I have no idea what kind of plant it is; it's green with big ol leaves... *shrug* It sits in the corner by the window, and because I have my back to it most of the time, I usually forget that it's there. Sure I see it ~~in the background of my in-office photo shoot pix~~, but I don't really see it. Inevitably, someone will come through the office and point out the fact that the leaves are limp and dangling over the side of the pot, hanging on for dear life. Eventually I water it and the next day, voila! You'd never know it had a near-death experience.

I feel like there are some areas of my life--heck, all our lives--that need watering. I'm guilty of getting so caught up in what I'm doing that I neglect the things in the corner. Some of it's major, like my pursuit of my own spiritual truth or belief. Some of it isn't major in the affect-you-for-all-eternity kinda way, but still shouldn't have been pushed to the side. Like my voice. I wonder where I would be if I continued to sing after high school and became a classically trained musician. Well I don't know, but I could at least begin voice lessons, get it back to where it used to be. My voice--and my spirit--could use a refresher.

I'm sort of in a down swing right now (bonus for me that I'm now able to pick up on my mood shifts, where as before it didn't really hit me until after someone pointed it out) but I'm trying to take steps to actively pick myself up. I think about how good I feel after a great revival (the last one we had at our church was awesome) and the plant in my office that is thriving now off a little bit of water, and realized that I need my own revival, a complete refreshing--mind, body, spirit... all that. Now that I know, I've got to do.

I Used to Love You

2011-02-14T10:01:00.000-06:00

Valentine's Day, that is.

In elementary school, Valentine's Day was right up there with Christmas! I loved going to school on that day... It was full of arts & crafts, music and sweets. Heaven for a fat little artiste such as myself. There was no doubt that something would be in the little paper basket that hung over the side of the desk. And don't let there be a real card in there, not just the little tear-out cards that came in the box with the cartoon characters on it... Baaaaaybeh, that meant you were fancy! Someone liked you enough to spend a whole dollar on yo card. Go 'head! And since I went to a Christian school, we got all the love scriptures: "God is love," "For God so loved the world..." "Greater love hath no man than this..." etc.

But then I grew up. Went many V-Days without anyone special. Grew up some more and got my heart broken a couple of times. Went through the bitter phase. Grew up even more to get to the content phase. And now, Valentine's Day just doesn't mean anything to me. I don't hate the holiday--I grew out of that in college. But I'm not ecstatic about it either. It's just another day. Even now that I'm in a relationship, it's not that big of a deal. We do things for each other throughout the year, so whether one of those acts happens to fall on 2/14 doesn't make it any more special to me than the other 364 days of the year.

I used to love Valentine's Day, more than most other days. But now, it's just a day like every other day.

Except my birthday. That day is still special.

On Marriage... Again

2011-02-09T14:52:00.000-06:00

Bartender and I have had several discussions on marriage. Although he seems to be opening up to the idea of marriage, there was a conversation that left me thinking. (Let me stop here and note that I have not been trying to convince him to marry me; I've got too much pride and too many options to beg for something like that! LOL) The majority of the conversations have been about why he was fearful or weary of marriage. He gave the typical "Women change/stop giving head/having sex on the regular" excuse for the longest, before finally saying that the commitment was huge and not something that he'd want to go into lightly.

Understandable.

But then he asked me, "Why do you want to get married? What's the benefit for you?"

Initially I wanted to dismiss it as a silly rebuttal, but once I thought about it I had to ask myself the same thing. Really, what is the benefit of me getting married? If I was thinking of starting a family, I would definitely want to be married; but kids are out. Can't really say it's for the financial security; I'm working on that on my own. Plus the likelihood of marrying someone whose credit is as high or higher than mine is low, so that would mean I'd take a hit. I love the emotional security that marriage is supposed to afford, but we all know that marriage is no guarantee of that (just like not being married doesn't mean you won't have it). Tax break? Meh, from what I've read it doesn't amount to a whole lot. I've got insurance from work, got guns for protection. And of course I could look at it from the religious standpoint of needing to be married to do the do without working about eternal damnation and hell fire, but considering my... evolving religious beliefs, I'm not sure how that ties in. Plus, wouldn't marrying just to have sex be wrong? While I still need a man, what is the need for a husband?

But like so many things, even though I feel like I don't need it, I want it. The "want" of marriage for me is knowing that I have such a strong connection (spiritually, physically and mentally) with someone that he is willing to say "You make me so happy that I want to stand before God and the world, vowing to make this work until I take my last breath."

Bartender says I'm still young and naive to how the world works. I tell him that marriage, like anything else, is what one makes of it.

pic courtesy of iamsassychic.com

Morning Randomness: On Handwritten Letters

2011-02-09T09:28:00.000-06:00

Since my parents preparing for their move ~~whenever they finally decide on a house~~ I've started the process of cleaning, packing, and throwing things away. I'm tackling my room in sections, because somehow, over the years, I've accumulated a lot of stuff.

While going through a drawer that I'd basically forgotten about, I ran across a big yellow envelope. Even though I hadn't seen or thought about it in years, I knew exactly what it was. The envelope is filled with notes and love letters from back in the day when keeping in touch wasn't just a Facebook post or tweet away. Some of these were passed to me in high school (one of which was from a female friend. I didn't realize was an "I like you" note until way after the fact.) Some were mailed from old boyfriends and interests. A few quick notes from a friend going through Naval training.

One was a note left stuck to my front door... That one was kinda special. It was from my first. Years after he moved away, the summer after I'd graduated from college, he was in town and stopped by to see me. Unfortunately, I was out on my job hunt. He left a quick little note:

"Hey Tori, this is [Mr. Magic Voice's real name].
Every time I try to see you, you're nowhere to be found.
I miss you."

It was cute and a little cheesy that he made it rhyme and... I dunno. It was special to me.

I kinda miss the anticipation of getting a letter from someone I love, the feeling of knowing that they took the time to sit down and write--not type--something just for me.

There's a world outside of Tori D. (on Current Events)

2011-01-27T10:21:00.000-06:00

I know that most of my posts are self-centered, but I am quite aware of the things that are going on around me. I tend to use this blog more as a diary than a outlet to keep others abreast of current events. I tend not to talk about them for two reasons: 1. Sometimes I think I feel too strongly about certain things and believe it best to keep to myself, and 2. It usually takes me forever to really articulate what I feel in a way that pleases me. And that's partially due to the fact that I can see both sides of most things and have conflicting views.

Anyway, these are the current/recent events that are at the forefront of my mind.

Earlier this week, an Ohio woman was sentenced to jail, placed on three years probation and fined for sending her daughters to the wrong school district. Instead of sending them to the substandard school they were zoned for, Kelly Williams-Bolar said that her daughters lived with her father so that they could attend a better school. People do this every day, y'all. And if her kids had been excellent athletes, this wouldn't have even been an issue. But instead it's a poor black woman trying to give her kids better. Now I'm not saying she was necessarily right in her method; breaking the law is breaking the law. However, the punishment does not fit the crime. Instead of simply sending the children back to the correct district (or allowing her the chance to arrange for them to live with her father, therefor putting them in the correct district) and perhaps giving her a light fine, she now has a felony on her record, which will severely limit her opportunity to provide a better life for her kids. And has anyone stopped to think about WHY she had to send her kids to a different school district? These were both public schools, but clearly the school in the lower class section of town was not properly funded, staffed, something. There's no reason that there should have been a $30,000 discrepancy in tuition from one school to the other! The judge stated that she wanted to make an example out of her. We should make an example out of the judge. Please sign the petition for Kelly Williams-Bolar

In happier news, earlier this month the Scott Sisters were released. Gov. Haley Barbour suspended their sentences indefinitely on the condition that 1) they do not return to Mississippi and 2) Jamie Scott donate a kidney to her very sick sister Gladys. The sisters are now living in Florida with their mother and children. No word yet on whether Jamie is a match for Gladys. Many have speculated that the reason they were released was because the cost of Gladys' healthcare was becoming too much of a burden. I personally feel it was a move to help his chances at the presidency and to recover from his ~~seemingly~~ racist and white-washed comments a few weeks earlier where he stated that a well-known hate group wasn't all that bad when he was growing up. While his motives may be shady I do commend him for doing what was ultimately the right thing (I still ain't voting for him though). Y'all know what they say, God works in mysterious ways...

And speaking of mysteries, what is up with all of the animals dropping dead by the hundreds, sometimes thousands? Dead birds, dead fish, dead birds, dead crabs, and yes, more dead birds. Some accuse the government of secret testing that resulted in the mass deaths. Others say powerlines and fireworks killed the birds. And more extreme folks are blaming everything from UFOs to the Apocalypse. No one is really sure of the cause of these events, but I like the possible explanations found here.

Who taught you to hate?

2011-01-21T10:16:00.002-06:00

“Who taught you to hate the texture of your hair? Who taught you to hate the color of your skin? Who taught you to hate the shape of your nose and the shape of your lips? Who taught you to hate yourself from the top of your head to the soles of your feet? Who taught you to hate your own kind? Who taught you to hate the race that you belong to so much so that you don’t want to be around each other? ... you should ask yourself who taught you to hate being what God made you.”

(Malcolm X – May 22, 1962, Los Angeles)

ghosts of exes past

2011-01-19T15:34:00.001-06:00

It started again, as it so often does.

This time, it began with an innocent "Happy holidays" email.

Then it was an email to check on me, because he knows that this season is rough, considering what happened.

That lead to me looking him up on Facebook, just to see what he's been doing.

Then came the texts with the pet names....

Psycho Ex and I go through this back and forth periodically. It starts off like this, then we become friends again. I let my guard down and we get close. I realize he's trying to have his cake and eat it too--again--and tell him to kiss ass. We don't talk for months. Then an email....

Yesterday it was a "Thinking of you" text. After I didn't respond, I got this today:

I know u told me not to contact you again but i do still think about you and always hope you're doing well. Really impossible for me not 2 think of u.

*sigh* WHY LAWD?!

I want so bad to cuss him out and make him hate me, but something in me stops me from doing that. I can't say I still love him, but I did, and that truth is what makes it so hard. In some other relationships I realized that it was just infatuation so it was no big deal to say eff it. But even when I told him to lose my number there was still some hesitation. And this was almost a year after the big blowup that happened years after we were done!

But this time, I'm ready to end this little back and forth. I haven't engaged in any conversation other than a "same to you and your family" to the Happy New Year/hope all is well texts. I just can't get sucked into the back and forth. Every time I see his (unsaved) number pop up, I think about his wife and have 101 questions. Does she know he still feels this way about me, still contacts me? Has she just accepted that that's the way it is? How does he rationalize his actions in his mind? If we were together, who would he be texting on the side? Would I be so blind?

The answers to those questions really don't even matter at this point. This is a chapter in my life that should have been over long ago. You can't run from the past, can't undo it. But he's a lie if he thinks I'm ready to repeat it.

On Marriage: An Epiphany

2011-01-12T11:30:00.000-06:00

This? Eh... eventually.

I've realized something that I guess I hadn't really thought about recently. It wasn't a slap-me-upside-the-head a-ha moment... just a subtle realization.

I've always had this time line in mind about when I wanted to be married and possibly start a family. I wanted to be married by 25. I figured that if I decided to have kids, this would allow my husband and I about three years together, just the two of us. Pop the first kid out at 28, second at 29 or 30. Tubes tied at 31. Ya like how nice and neat I had that worked out, don't you?

But here I am, a few months shy of 26, and I've discovered that I'm okay with the fact that life has not gone according to my plans. In fact, not only am I okay with it, but I would be okay with not getting married until sometime in my 30s. I have so much I want to do right now, things that will require my time and attention over the next couple of years. And while I know it's possible to do the things I want to do while married, I don't think I want to. Instead, devoting myself fully to seeing my dream come to life is what appeals to me. Then I can make that lifelong commitment to my husband. And I've already pretty much settled in my mind that I won't be having kids. Although I had a laundry list of reasons not to have them, I said if the right guy came along in time, I'd be open to it. Well that window has passed! LOL Which means there's even less of a rush to get married.

Of course, if Mr. Right came along today and soon wanted to make me Mrs. Right, I wouldn't fight it. Like I said, it's not impossible to pursue my career goals and be in a serious, committed relationship. And yes, there is a little lingering fear about potentially missing out on marriage all together since this seems to be the ideal age to do it. But... it is what it is. Whenever it happens, should it happen, I'll be okay. Even if it's not today.

31 Day Reset: Day 1

2011-01-01T09:55:00.002-06:00

I am participating in Rosetta Thurmond's 31 Day Reset as a means of giving this year (and my life in its entirety) a defined purpose and direction. Although I am working on this daily, I will not be sharing all of the exercises here, as I feel some of it may be deeply personal. But those things that I am willing to share will be right here for the world to see.

For day one, we were challenged to come up with a personal mantra. It could be a scripture, quote, or something that we created. It simply needed to speak to us and be a theme for us to keep in mind during and after this challenge. For my mantra, I chose to paraphrase a quote by Ralph Waldo Emerson. It says:

"What lies behind [me] and what lies before [me] are small matters compared to what lies within [me]."

This quote helps me to remember that I already have everything within me to achieve success, happiness, love, and fulfillment. Now whether I tap into it is up to me, but the potential is there just as it is in each of us.

Setting Goals for the New Year

2010-12-30T10:23:00.000-06:00

I'm sad to see 2010 go! It was a phenomenal year for me. Not without its difficulties, but a truly great year. I only have one small do-over wish, and considering the fact that it's about a guy who clearly had no business in my life, I'll chalk that up as a learning experience. Besides, the accomplishments of this year far outweigh that!

One major difference between 2010 and other years is that I set goals and created a plan to achieve them. (Remember Planning, Preparation, Payoff?) No new year's resolutions, though. And I've learned that if something works for you, don't change--build upon it! So here are some of my goals for this new year:

Professional
1. Get at least 60 hours towards my pre-Broker education. Ninety hours are required before you can take the test... And actually I could get all 90 in if it wasn't for the money. (Didn't y'all read my last post? I'm broke!) Approximately $400 every 30 hours is a bit steep for me to say I can do it all this year. Plus, there are other conferences, classes, etc. that will also require some funds. I'd love to go ahead and get that license this year, but I'll be happy if I can get 2/3 of the way there.
2. Make at least three sales. My new broker (I'm moving--possibly more on that to come) only asks for two, but I need at least three. There are so many fees associated with being a real estate agent it's not even funny. I went back and calculated how much I spent this year... Even after my sale, I'm in the hole, and not by a small amount. I think having at least three good sales will allow me to break even and possibly provide for those additional classes I was talking about.

Personal
1. I've got to buy a house! My folks want me to stay with them... I told them if by some miracle a house comes on the market with a completely separate apartment and within their price range, I'd consider buying it with them. But there's no way I'm doing this whole sharing my living space thing. NO WAY! And realistically, I don't believe there is a house with that feature in the range they're looking for. I'm setting my goal for the end of May.
2. Read 10 books within the year, at least 2 fiction. That sounds backwards doesn't it? Well I've got 9 books sitting on my dresser waiting to be read. I've started on 8. Out of those 9, 4 are career-related, 3 are self-improvement, and 2 are just miscellaneous non-fiction. I need an escape! I'm thinking about picking up The Other Boleyn Girl. I may have to sign up for a library card again so I can get books without feeling like I'm spending money frivolously...
3. Find a creative outlet. Now that I'm done with school, I want to do something simply because it makes me happy. I'm not sure what just yet, but I'm leaning towards painting. Another choice was voice lessons, but I've pretty much given up on the dream of being a singer. *shrugs* We'll see, though.

So that's my little short list of goals for 2011. If you haven't set yours, you still have time but the clock is ticking!

Happy New Year y'all!

Reshaping My Relationship with Money (or: Tori D. is broke!)

2010-12-30T09:21:00.000-06:00

There was a crucial learning step that I missed as a child. I never really was taught about using money wisely or balancing a checkbook. I think it was taken for granted that these things were simple enough, and with me being a pretty bright child, there was no reason for me not to grasp that concept. And that thinking was correct to an extent; I can balance my checkbook... It may take a while, after hunting down receipts and stuff, I can do it. The thing is, I'm prone to not doing it. My lack of focus, coupled with personality traits such as disorganization and tendency to find tasks like this uninteresting (I'm an INFP for those of you familiar with the Meyers-Briggs personality types) means that it just does not get done. This has lead to some less than desirable consequences for my bank account.

The thing that most recently sent me into shock occurred on Tuesday. I got a call from my mom saying she figured I needed some money for lunch so she transferred some funds into my account. Blow #1: I felt like a middle school kid again, getting lunch money from mommy. I said thanks, but didn't think I actually needed it. The last time I checked my account, it said there was $30-something dollars in there. I'm good! I go to check how much she put in... I see that she put in over $100 but my account was less than $100. How could this be? It turns out, (blow #2) I was in overdraft. Blow #3: Two transactions that totaled less than $10 caused me to get hit with $70 in NSF fees. Y'all, I cried. Like literally boohooed at work. I felt like such a failure! Here I am trying to prove that I'm a responsible adult and ready to be on my own. And my mom had to come save my butt. Again.

I'm not even sure that she knew I was in that position or not. Usually when she does, she'll say something about it but this time she didn't.

That situation has made me determined to do better with my money. I'm going to have to do something drastic. I'm going to start carrying cash.

I never have cash y'all. Ever. The debit card is just sooo much easier for me. But that ease means it's way too easy to overspend, especially when you don't have to actually see the money. It's like you're not really spending it (at the time). I figure if I only carry cash (no debit OR credit cards unless I'm going to get gas) it will cause me to do several things:

1. force me into seriously thinking about what I'm purchasing and how much I spend
2. create a loose budget for the week/month
3. keep me from buying non-necessities--I have enough stuff in my tiny little space as it is
4. cause me to save more

So on payday, I'll take out a small, pre-determined amount and make it last for the month. If I run out by week two, yanno what that means? I can't buy A THING for two weeks. If I have money left over at next payday (a laughable thought, but I guess it's possible) then that amount goes towards the amount I can spend, which means less coming out of my account.
This is a modified version of something a financial planner presented to us while I was an employee at Blue Cross Blue Shield. In his version, you have a separate envelop for each thing. A cash envelop for bills, cash envelop for clothes, cash envelop for food, etc. That doesn't work for me because there's no way I'm sending cash for my credit card bills, car note, all of that. So my bills are paid at the beginning of the month, and then my account will have to sit inactive for a bit.

The only time I'll allow myself a little splurge is when I make a sale. That commission will be split between my savings, credit card payments, and a little bit to spend. By the way, having my savings come out of my check before I get it was one of the best ideas I've ever had! LOL

Have any of you had to make serious changes to your relationship with money? Did you have a good money management foundation from the start, or did you have to learn as you go? What has been your biggest challenge?

It's Funny.... Why?

2010-12-26T21:01:00.000-06:00

So today makes eight years since the incident. I've not been in the major funk that I usually am around this time, just been a little somber. But I just saw something on Twitter that made me GO. OFF.

#TEAMRAPE
#TEAMNOREALLYMEANSYES
#TEAMTAKEWHATSNOTYOURS

What in ALL the fuck?!

All of these were tweeted and retweeted by supposed leaders, college-educated black men in BGLOs. (Yes, I know that being in a BGLO these days doesn't amount to shit in regards to leadership, morals, etc.--another post for another day-- but still... in the spirit of what the Founders of all of our orgs envisioned, I find this incredibly sad.) Why the hell is this funny to them? I would expect this sort of "humor" (and trust I'm using that word very loosely) from depraved convicts or the like.... but really?

Ugh, I can't even put into words what I'm thinking/feeling right now... All I know is I've been through the shit and didn't find a damn thing funny about it. Where the hell do they get off making light of it?

"What do you want for Christmas?"

2010-12-23T12:05:00.000-06:00

It's a question I dread.

source

Besides the fact that I'm really not a fan of the holidays, I hate the back and forth that goes on when I say I don't want anything. The inevitable "Come on, you must want something!" really grinds my gears (thanks, Family Guy). Why can't folks just leave it alone? Is it because they'll feel bad rattling off their laundry list of material desires if I don't have one as well? Do they think I'm trying to be contrary or something? Maybe it is just an earnest interest. But my answer of "nothing" should be enough.

This year, I've been asked what I want repeatedly by my parents, Bartender, and his daughters. I've tried to come up with something, just to avoid that conversation, but honestly I don't want anything! All of my needs are met (thank you Lord) and I'm becoming self-reliant to a fault. After the incident, and after dealing with years of my dad complaining whenever I asked him to do anything for me, I decided I'd rather get what I can on my own. And I've done just that. Yeah I have my little wishlist (like over on TGHD) but those are all things that, if I decide I really want them, I will purchase myself. So when I'm asked that question, I'm truly thinking "Nothing that I can't get on my own." That may be terrible, but that's the way it is.

As far as the things I can't quite get on my own right now... well they can't either. What do I really want? I want my own condo. I want the capital to purchase and renovate several rental properties. I want stocks in Apple and Microsoft. I want Mr. Right to knock on my door tomorrow with a ring. (LMAO on that one) I want a gray doberman pincher puppy that's already trained and housebroken...

Moral of the story: the things I want, I will get in my own time. Please accept "nothing" as my short answer.

Faking It

2010-12-14T08:53:00.000-06:00

Sunday I came across an article about the most counterfeited items of the year as well as this picture of "red bottoms." (And yes, I mean "red bottoms" not Louboutins. True Louboutins don't have to be painted red post-production! Hmph!) Couple that with seeing an obvious Coach knock-off at church and I began pondering something that has come across my mind before. Why do people bother buying knock-offs? Of course the simple answer is that they either can't afford or don't want to pay for the real thing... but who are they fooling? Are they trying to convince others that they have something that they really don't, or are they only fooling themselves? I have a few "designer" bags; not many though, and they are on the lower end of what would be considered "designer." Meanwhile, I have a ton of purses, totes, clutches, etc. that, while not high end, are super cute. They weren't created or purchased in an attempt to make someone believe they were something that they aren't. They are just cute purses that get as many compliments as the designer bags. And as much as I want a pair of Louboutins, I could never bring myself to buy some "red bottoms" in hopes of passing them off as the real thing. Now I do have some shoes that are similar to my favorite Louboutins, sans the red sole. IMO, there's no reason to fake it. Sure, some may attribute prestige, money, and status from these designer labels... But the assumption about those that bother with fakes is the total opposite. Besides, those that know the truth can spot an imposter without even trying.

Who ARE you?

But what else do we fake? Staying in an unhealthy relationship just to make others think we can keep a mate. Perping (for those unfamiliar with Black Greek life, this means pretending to be a member of an organization when in reality you are not). Pretending that your ish is together because you have a degree(s). Going into debt for bigger and better cars, clothes, homes, etc. just so people will see you keeping up with the Joneses. Creating an online persona that in no way resembles who we are offline. So often we put on about different aspects of our lives in an attempt to appear as if we've arrived in some way. Maybe it's a subconscious fear that who and what we truly are will not be enough in the eyes of others. However, if we could accept ourselves in complete authenticity--not to the point of apathy and failure to make improvements--we would find, more often than not, that others would accept us too.

So Now What?

2010-12-06T12:06:00.000-06:00

Tonight I am taking what will hopefully be the last final exam I ever have to take as a grad student. I am David, facing my Goliath: Macroeconomics. If I succeed with a grade high enough to get that little MBA title and my sanity in tact, I will feel very accomplished.

from thecomingdepression.net

But then what? I can't help but wonder what good is it going to do me. Due to budget cuts, I can't get an educational benchmark at my current job (which was the only reason I went back to school in the first place, along with "the plan" that I've mentioned here before). It's not a requirement for real estate, so I'm not sure how much help it will be there. And I'm not finding too many positions for adjunct business professors, so who knows how that will pan out. I almost feel like I've just buried myself under more debt and stressed myself out for nothing.

I want to be optimistic, to have faith that doors will open, etc. After all, they have so far. And I believe they will continue to do so, even if things don't go quite the way I'd like. But I'm left to wonder were these two additional years of school even necessary.

Who knows. Maybe it wasn't the actual education, but the connections made during my time in grad school that will be the key. After all, "it's not what you know, it's who you know." And I've met a few people--both professors and students--who I think could be extremely helpful in some things that I'm trying to do. So there's really no room to complain, huh? Well then I won't do that. But I'm still left to ponder the question, "So now what?"

Too Much of a Good Thing

2010-12-05T23:52:00.005-06:00

Note: This is part one of this entry. Part two is of a racier nature and is therefore going to be on my blog that is devoted to such.

Today, I did something I haven't done in a long time. I went out to eat with my friends from church. This used to be the norm every 1st and 3rd Sunday, but for the past couple of ~~weeks~~ months I've been spending every 1st and 3rd Sunday with Bartender. I told him last night/this morning as I was leaving his house that I'd stop by before he went to work, but instead of doing the usual routine of going straight to his house after service, I went out to eat. I didn't realize how much I missed just talking and laughing with my friends like that. It's really the only time that we have together, because everyone's schedule is so busy.

But Bartender was not trying to hear that. In his mind, I was supposed to be there just like always. But I'm always there. Monday and Thursday nights after class, whenever I can sneak away Tuesday and Wednesday evenings, all Saturday afternoon and evening ~~even though his daughters are usually there despite the fact that Saturday was supposed to be our date night~~. This was a necessary breather, and I still made an effort to leave early just to stop by and see him for a few minutes.

It's not that I don't enjoy being with him. On the contrary, I love the time we spend together, to the point where I would be with him all the time if it were possible. I've been like that before, and I learned my lesson about having (or being) too much of a good thing. Eventually all of that togetherness wears someone down, and the other person (usually me) is told that space is needed. So now I'm making a conscious effort to not be the one who always wants to hang out. Not easy when he wants to spend so much time together. BTW, that's not a complaint at all. I just don't want to wear out something that's been really good so far. Shoot, it hasn't even been a year since we exchanged numbers. I'm afraid that being up under each other too much will lead to someone feeling smothered. So I'm doing an anti-smother damage control preemptive strike, if you will.

What I've learned with food and makeup holds true for relationships as well: you can definitely have too much of a good thing.

Quotes of the Day: On Adversity

2010-11-22T14:44:00.000-06:00

Today some developments came up that have me reconsidering the direction I want my career to follow, and whether I want to remain with the real estate company I'm with or go for broke & work strictly for myself once I get my broker's license next year. Until I can think a bit clearer to write a post that actually makes sense, I'm trying to lift myself up with some quotes instead...

“Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are.” Arthur Golden

“Things that were hard to bear are sweet to remember” Seneca

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.” Henry Ford

“Seeds of faith are always within us; sometimes it takes a crisis to nourish and encourage their growth.” Susan Taylor

“There is in every true woman's heart, a spark of heavenly fire, which lies dormant in the broad daylight of prosperity, but which kindles up and beams and blazes in the dark hour of adversity.” Washington Irving

“Opposition is a natural part of life. Just as we develop our physical muscles through overcoming opposition - such as lifting weights - we develop our character muscles by overcoming challenges and adversity.” Stephen R. Covey

“Adversity is the diamond dust Heaven polishes its jewels with.” Thomas Carlyle

(all quotes courtesy of thinkexist.com)

random: i want

2010-11-22T10:54:00.000-06:00

i want to teach business; real life business skills that people can use.
i want to instill a hunger for business and entrepreneurship in little black kids.
i want to be successful in real estate.
i want to work for myself.
i want to sit on my butt and let great real estate investments take care of me.

i want to paint.
i want to write.

i want to love.
i want real love.
i want a real, lasting love that doesn't end with me asking "WTF?"

i want a house.
i want a house that i can decorate and where i can throw cocktail parties and intimate sleepovers.
i want a home.

i want knowledge.
i want to know a little bit of everything.
i want to share wisdom with the world.

i think i want too much.

i want it all.

The Talk--America's Doing It Wrong

2010-11-18T15:38:00.000-06:00

Did your parents ever sit down and have "the talk" with you?

When I was 16 my parents asked if I had any questions about sex. I didn't. There was no discussion of how it works, methods of preventing pregnancy and STDs, the emotional issues that go along with it. They simply reminded me that sex was "wrong" and "don't do it." Yeah, I knew that I'd been told sex was bad (but magically became good once you say "I do") but that didn't stop me from doing it-- two years prior to the non-talk "talk."

I've asked a couple of my friends, and none of them recall having the notorious talk that parents are supposedly so scared of. (Maybe they're so scared that they skip it altogether?) There was the "don't do it" speech for most of them, and the "we're just gonna put you on birth control & hope for the best" move for a few others.While this passive approach may seem like the answer for apprehensive parents, how is it working out for the kids?

Well, it looks like it's not. Not for teens in America, at least. Research recently done by sociologist Amy Schalet compares the difference in approach to teen sexuality in America and European countries. In her article, "Sex, Love and Autonomy in the Teenage Sleepover," she states, "American adolescent sexuality has been dramatized instead of normalized." The results of this? A high rate of teen pregnancy, abortion, and transmission of STDs. Advocates for Youth provide these figures:

Schalet cites two main reasons for the stark differences in approaches to teen sexuality: religion and economic security. As a whole, the U.S. has a tendency to be more devout than our counterparts in the Netherlands, hence more conservative views and beliefs. As far as economic security, she reasons, "Like most European countries, the Dutch government provides a range of what sociologists call 'social' and what reproductive health advocates call 'human' rights: the right to housing, healthcare, and a minimum income. Not only do such rights ensure access, if need be, to free contraceptive and abortion services, government supports make coming of age less perilous for both teenagers and parents.

What are some of the differences found in approaches to sexuality?

Adults in France, Germany, and the Netherlands view young people as assets, not as problems. Adults value and respect adolescents and expect teens to act responsibly. Governments strongly support education and economic self-sufficiency for youth.
Research is the basis for public health policies to reduce unintended pregnancies, abortions, and sexually transmitted infections, including HIV. Political and religious interest groups have little influence on public health policy.
Youth have convenient access to free or low-cost contraception through national health insurance.
Sex education is not necessarily a separate curriculum and is usually integrated across school subjects and at all grade levels. Educators provide accurate and complete information in response to students’ questions.
Families have open, honest, consistent discussions with teens about sexuality and support the role of educators and health care providers in making sexual health information and services available to teens.
Society weighs the morality of sexual behavior through an individual ethic that includes the values of responsibility, respect, tolerance, and equity.

I find it ironic that our society is still so conservative about some aspects of sex even though sex is everywhere, 24/7. Is it that we've demonized our natural sexuality to the point that we are in effect helpless against its power? By not looking at sex/sexuality for what it is--a natural desire that can be both healthy and fulfilling when done/used responsibly--we have left ourselves open to a myriad of problems that can be prevented.

main source: Consequences of U.S. and Dutch Approaches to Sex

Planning, Preparation & Payoff

2010-11-15T14:28:00.000-06:00

At the beginning of the year I wrote a post about 2010 being my year of planning, preparation and payoff. There were several things that I wanted to accomplish and I was determined to either start or complete this year; some personal, some professional. Many were goals that I wanted to reach within the year, while others (the "planning" and "preparation" goals) are stepping stones to much grander goals. Thankfully I can say that I am on track with most of my goals!

I'm all set for graduation in December ~~if this macroeconomics class doesn't kick my butt~~. Be prepared to see Tori D., MBA all over urrythang I touch from then on!

I've pulled together a great group of young black professionals to start work on chartering a Jackson, MS chapter of the National Black MBA Association. (By the way, if you're in the Metro Jackson area and interested, email me at TDWhitley@gmail.com. Thaaaanks!)

My real estate business is taking off. This is especially big to me because, as I've stated before, this is not just a job but a career for me. And for me to be doing any business at all with the economy like it is and with my limited resources... it's huge. God's favor is all over that.

Despite my flightiness and lack of focus, I've come up with a career plan that would make retirement within 15-20 years a possibility. That way I could focus on my non-profit and do some creative work, all while bringing in passive income--which is the best kind of income there is, IMO. Now if I can stick to the plan, instead of suddenly deciding I want to do something else, that will be a true payoff in and of itself!

I've been able to completely rid myself of some dead weight. I'm talking exes, old "friends" who really did nothing more than bring me down, old hurts and disappointments that slowed my progress. Strange how I actually feel lighter now that I'm done with all of that. That lightness is both a payoff from learning to be honest (brutally, sometimes) with myself and others, and preparation for "the next best" whatever to come along.

But of course, not everything has gone as planned...

I didn't stick with my workout routine. The payoff was supposed to be shedding X number of pounds by my cruise in June. Didn't happen. I stayed fat and happy. Found another "workout" though, and it feels good to "work out" on the regular. What? O_o I'm all about the exercise over here...

I have yet to get and stay organized. This is an ongoing thing for me, but I haven't given up on it!

I didn't stick with the plan to focus solely on myself... For the entirety of this year I've been more or less (okay, really more) booed up. I said I was going to take a break from relationships and such, but this current one just sort of happened. But this time, seriously, once it's over, it's all about me, myself and I. There's no potential-beau in the background this time, so I guess that means it'll be time for that break... IDK.

So there you have it! I'm happy to see the progress that I've made and I can't wait to see even more growth, progress, and positive moves. What upward motion have you made this year? Share it!

#thingsblackgirlsdo and other self-depricating bullshit

2010-11-10T13:46:00.003-06:00

Most of the people I e-interact with know that I'm on Twitter a good deal (although not as much as of late), and while it's definitely not enough to base a thesis on, watching TTs (that's trending topics for you non-tweeters) has lead me to a conclusion that I'd like to discuss.

Many of us have "drunk the kool-aid." We've bought into the negative stereotypes of ourselves. The following are some of the TTs and tweets I've seen:

#doesntmeanyourblack [sic] (I know it should be "you're" not "your" but that was the TT...)
#nowthatsghetto
#blackfolks "want an iPad but haven't paid their car note, rent or child support"
"black people: child support. white people: house note"

The the majority of people perpetrating the stereotypical foolishness are the same ones that these TTs target. The offending TT de jour is #thingsblackgirlsdo. And folks are having a field day with it. Observe some of the tamer tweets:

#thingsblackgirlsdo try to have kids wit a nigga coz he got "good hair"
#thingsblackgirlsdo get emotional on twitter and be wanting to fight over words that disappear smh
#ThingsBlackGirlsDo go to the club lookin like a million bucks but be broke as fuck lookin for a nigga to buy her drinks!
#ThingsBlackGirlsDo get foodstamps sell them for more than they worth
#thingsblackgirlsdo get loud in any public place
#thingsblackgirlsdo drive to a destination to go fight

Now there are a lot of people trying to put some positivity out there (among my favs: #thingsblackgirlsdo ROCK!!) but overall... SMH. And of course the onslaught of negativity brought about another TT:

#ThingsBlackMenDo With no Job Experience or Education gets pissed cuz they cant find a Good Paying Non Factory Job
#ThingsBlackMenDo could tell u everything about the Lebron decision...but couldnt name one major court decision in American history
#thingsblackmendo sell weed so they aint gotta get a real job
#thingsblackmendo try every way possible to get around the law

#thingsblackmendo hav 3, 4 baby mommas an call all of dem hoesm.. #sideeye [sic]

#ThingsBlackmenDo have side chicks fighting/hating each other and the main chick don't have a clue what's goin on....

My main issue is that it's us dogging us. Of course it would be upsetting to see "others" going in on us, but to me it wouldn't be as surprising. But for blacks to dog each other out for the whole Twitterverse to see is disheartening. Even if it is in jest--after all, there's some hint of honesty in every "joke" someone makes. Some people are believing the things they type. And by no means am I saying that everything is all roses with us as a people. Many of the tweets about what black people do can be applied to any other group of people (because each group is diverse and encompasses both good and bad). But the fact that everyone seems to associate black with the bad traits shows that we have bought into the lie that society has pushed onto us. Black is bad, wrong, negative, ugly, evil. We've been bombarded with that sentiment for so long that it's seeped into our collective psyche and now we are regurgitating it back into the universe. And not just on Twitter, but in our every day lives. So many of our people have a defeated outlook... They believe the negativity that swirls around them and it becomes a self-manifestation.

Instead of falling in line with that, how about we make a conscious effort to represent ourselves, our people, and our culture in a positive light, and then reflect that positivity in every aspect of our lives.

#Thatisall.

Quote of the Day

2010-11-10T08:51:00.000-06:00

“Don't rely on someone else for your happiness and self worth. Only you can be responsible for that. If you can't love and respect yourself - no one else will be able to make that happen. Accept who you are - completely; the good and the bad - and make changes as you see fit - not because you think someone else wants you to be different.”

Stacey Charter

Shoe Porn: Purple Passion

2010-11-08T14:56:00.001-06:00

It's been a looooong time since I've done a shoe porn post! But due to recurring events, I felt it was needed.

Over the past two years or so, I've fallen in love with many pairs of purple pumps, boots, sandals, etc. Purple has become my favorite color for the time being (purple and blue always fight it out in my mind, while pink sits back comfortably in 3rd place) so I want to get shoes that reflect my passion for purple. Unfortunately I've only managed to buy ONE pair of purple shoes... which I don't get to wear often, since they are too big. (Side note: what the heck is up with Jessica Simpson? I had to give away my size 10 because I literally lost the feeling in my foot, they were so tight. Then I got these purple shoes in an 11 and they slip off my feet!) So anyway, this post is an ode to the shoes I've lusted after but never could make my own.

This is the shoe that started it all: Nine West Hamptonesk. 2008. Lawd, y'all don't understand how bad I wanted these shoes! I was calling all over to see if any stores had them... The few that had the style didn't have the purple. Then I finally call ninewest.com customer service and the lady tried to tell me they didn't come in purple! What the deuce?! I know what I saw lady! I saw love... in shoe form.... *le sigh*

This year's obsession: Vince Camuto Amber. It was lust at first sight once again when I spotted these in Dillard's a few weeks ago. I wanted to snatch them up then and there, but I was trying to be frugal and the price tag wasn't working for me. Then I got wonderful news: the price was marked down to $80! I ran to Dillard's as fast as I could. They did not have the purple in my size. I decided I could settle for the blue, since they had that in a 10, but I'd need to try it on first just to be sure. It did not fit. -_- So I figure, no biggie, I'll just order an 11, and since I'm ordering, I can get the purple! Um, no. This style was not available in an 11. Woe is me!

To ease my pain, I went to Zappos.com and searched for purple shoes. I was determined! I found something that would do the trick: these Gabriella Rocha shoes (style: Arria). These were great! Flashy, attention grabbing... so me. But wouldn't you know it, this color doesn't come in a 10.

And then there were these. Alexander McQueen heart toe pumps. $725.00. Enough said.

Systematic Apathy

2010-11-08T10:01:00.000-06:00

Although this post is not really about the mid-term elections held this past Tuesday, that was the impetus for this post. What I'm about to say is not necessarily because of the results of the elections, but the comments I've heard and read concerning them.

Somewhere between the Civil Rights movement and today, we (yes this is a generalizing, collective "we") as African-Americans have gotten waaaay too comfortable. Lax. We "just don't give a f***."

No, let me correct that. We give a f***, but about the wrong things.

On Tuesday, I saw a lot of tweets and Facebook posts about voting. And I saw a whole heck of a lot of posts about not voting. Not just saying they hadn't vote, but boasting that they wouldn't. I'm sorry, when did not voting become the "it" thing? Oh I know, since there were no superstars this election. It was great that the coolest candidate for POTUS eva motivated people to get out and vote in 2008. But like so many other fads, once the celebs stopped talking about it and the "cool" wore off, people lost interest. The proof is in the low turnout by young voters and minority voters.

But this isn't just about politics and voting. It's about a lack of concern and misplaced priorities that seem to be rampant in our community. So many youngsters that I know--and ones that I don't know but have observed--place so much interest and emphasis on the latest dance, what a celebrity is doing/wearing/saying, becoming the next (insert hot athlete here), or becoming a dope boy and so little on getting an education and making a future for themselves. Many are enthralled with being sexy and having sex, without regard to how their lives could change as a result.... But hey, you can't fully blame the kids when many of the adults--the people who should be role models--are acting the same way!

I know this isn't new; the same thing was going on back in my day. (God, that makes me sound old!) But just because it's been going on for years doesn't mean we can't turn it around, does it? We as a people have too rich and too great a story to be done in by our own laziness, sense of entitlement and failure to recognize what is truly important. We cannot let apathy take us back to what we once fought so hard against.

P.S.: For anyone with the urge to say "Well white folks are doing the same thing and you ain't saying nothing about them," lemme address y'all now. No hate towards anyone, but white folks aren't my folks. What they do to their own detriment is not my concern. If you want to follow down a destructive path just because "white folks are doing it," then we're in an even sadder state than I thought.

On Going Crazy

2010-11-02T11:52:00.000-05:00

Last week I feared my crazy had run off the new beau for good. It was a rough week emotionally, although logically it really shouldn't have been. It was his birthday week and I'd done a pretty good job of holding it all together, indulging him and putting on a happy face from Sunday up until late Thursday evening. Then came a serious shift in mood, stemming from perceived lack of attention. (And yes, I knew it was irrational; even while pouting about it my more rational side was sitting there like "Really? You know this is BS right?")

Then Friday... *sigh* What should have been a great day--homecoming weekend, day off work--was a series of disappointments. In and of themselves, these would have been so inconsequential... but in the throws of my insanity trip, it ended up being the culmination of all that was wrong in my world. Essentially, it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I was at his house and out of nowhere I started crying--sobbing, really. Of course, he figured it was the latest little frustration that sent me over the edge and tried to fix it but... it was no use. I was mentally, emotionally, and almost physically down for the count. I went home, didn't call him like I said I would. When he called late that night after work, I was afraid to answer the phone. I was embarrassed, and sure that he didn't want to deal with me anymore. My little speech was all prepared and ready to go, but all I got out was "I'm sorry." He interjected and said, "It's cool. I know you're stressed right now. You just need to relax. Maybe talk to someone about it."

I knew exactly what he meant when he said "talk to someone." I've considered it. I know people who have said talking to a psychologist or counselor or whatever was helpful. I'd never knock it, but I don't even know what I'd say. "I'm almost finished with my 2nd degree, have a really good guy in my life, and two decent jobs. Woe is me!" I feel petty, and think anyone I talked to would think the same. And considering the fact that I really don't know what the problem is, how could it even be fixed? Logically, I should be happy as hell! And usually I am pretty happy on the surface. Stuff kinda simmers under the surface and usually it dies down... or boils over like it did Friday.

My attempts to control my crazy aren't getting the best results, but could someone else really do better?

"The Miseducation of a Barbie Doll"

2010-10-27T12:20:00.000-05:00

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 7--Lust

2010-10-24T09:39:00.000-05:00

Seven love secrets (I'm putting the PG-13 version here... and I dunno if I'd actually call these secrets. Just facts. The real "secrets" are elsewhere...)

1. For all of my relationships over the past three years, with the exception of the current one, the next guy was already "waiting in the wings." There's no #2 this time, so I'm not sure what that means.

2. I remember the names of everyone I've been with, all x of them... although I have to think hard sometimes to remember the name of one particular ONS.

3. I thought I was in love with my first. Maybe I was. To this day I still feel a little way about him. I call him Mr. Magic Voice because his singing is what got to me.

4. Once I'm done messing with a FB, I generally don't acknowledge their presence anymore. No hard feelings or anything, but when that one connection is over, what else is there to converse about?

5. My friends have always come to me for sexual advice. Even back in high school. I have no idea why... lol

6. I briefly considered becoming a phone sex operator, because everyone told me I had the voice for it. I gave that up once I realized that internet porn had stolen all of the thunder from phone sex. LOL

7. Although I have some "unconventional" interests when it comes to sex, I don't consider myself a freak. "Freak" means abnormal, and who gets to decide what's normal? And would the standard be what people say is normal, or what they normally do? The two don't always match up!

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 6--Gluttony

2010-10-23T12:26:00.000-05:00

Seven guilty pleasures.

1. Shopping
I shop even when I know I shouldn't. It's not to the extreme where I'm going into debt or anything like that, but money is eeeextra tight at the end of the month because I've been shopping so much at the first of the month. BUT I shop after my bills are paid so... *shrugs*

2. Ice Cream
I am a fat girl. A fat girl who likes ice cream. If you have it, I will eat it. Again, *shrug*

3. TV

I could sit and watch Desperate Housewives, SVU, The Gates, House, and Psych all day long. And HGTV, History Channel and Food Network? Pppsssshhhh... If I didn't work, I'd be a straight up couch potato.

4. Books

I'm a bibliophile who has trouble letting go. There are books piled up everywhere in my room and my old room/office/guest room. Some of them I haven't read in forever but I still have them. Maybe getting a Kindle or an iPad will help me out with that... IDK.

5. Shoes
Can shoes be placed in a separate category than shopping? I believe so. My closet is overrun with shoes, PLUS I have the little Shoe Under thingy (shoe organizer than goes under the bed). I usually end up giving shoes away every couple of months and it's still always plenty. Funny thing is though, I never seem to have shoes to go with the outfits I plan, so I have to buy more. See? It's necessity!

6. Punishment
Ummm, I don't think I wanna go into details here. LOL

7. Makeup
It's the craziest thing: I rarely wear makeup, but I have a whole warehouse in my room! I'm especially guilty of this with eye shadow. I have so many different palettes it's insane, but wear eyeshadow maybe once a week. Maybe. At least I put the many shades and brands of lipstick to good use. So that's not too bad... right?

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 5--Greed

2010-10-22T08:42:00.003-05:00

Seven worldly material desires.

You heard Mr. Douglas--I mean, Gordon Gecko.

1. A MANSION. Even though I don't plan on having a big family, I want a huge house for entertaining. Five bedrooms, 6.5 baths, formal dining room, bar in the basement, entertainment room, big backyard with the outdoor kitchen, office/study, a special room just for me and my husband ~~plus any "special guests" we may allow when we feel like being... social~~. Yeah, I want alla that.

2. A YACHT. I think it would be soooo cool to have a little mini mansion out on the water! Going up on the deck to work on my tan (I gotta keep this body extra dark chocolaty, doncha know), being able to see different places while still having all of the conveniences of home? Sign me up.

3. A BUGATTI VEYRON. 1001 horsepower. Enough said!

4. EGYPT. No, not the actual country. The island. Really any of the islands in The World. Or The Palm, I'm not too picky.

5. LIVE IN STAFF. I would love to have a trainer, chef, maid, driver and stylist in my home, at my beck and call.

6. HUGE CLOSET FULL OF DESIGNER CLOTHES AND SHOES. Do y'all remember the scene in Sex and the City when Carrie saw the closet that Big had built? OMG that was like porn. I want--no, need that in my life.

7. UNLIMITED ACCESS TO TIFFANY & CO. I am a sucker for Tiffany's, and I'm on their site drooling all the time. Would be nice to be able to walk in and say, "Hi Muffy, I'm back. Let me have that Legacy ring with the diamonds and platinum in a size 10. What stone, you say? Well, let's get the rubellite, the purple sapphire, the aquamarine, and the pink sapphire. And be quick about it dear, I'm in a hurry..."

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 4--Sloth

2010-10-21T11:55:00.002-05:00

Seven things I neglect to do.

1. Study at any point besides the night before a test.

2. Post blogs when I intend to post them.

3. Create a budget and stick with it.

4. Get organized and stay organized for longer than a week.

5. Call people "right back" -- although I (usually) really mean it when I say I will.

6. Mani/pedis. Long as the nails are clean & not too long... eh.

7. Figure out everything my computer does. I've had my Macbook for almost two years and I still find surprises because I never took the time to really explore it.

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 3--Wrath

2010-10-20T09:40:00.000-05:00

Seven things that piss me off.

1. SLOW DRIVERS. Especially when they pull out in front of me going at least 10 miles slower than I am. Or won't move out of the left lane. Or make a complete stop to turn when it's not necessary. Or don't go when the light turns green. Or think that just cuz they're retired and have all day to ride around doing nothing that I want to spend 20 minutes of my lunch break stuck behind their slow-moving butts.... Ya know what? I think other people driving PERIOD pisses me off.

2. Not being able to find cute clothing/shoes in my size. There is an unaddressed discrimination against ladies with big feet. Why is it that some of the cutest shoes are only available in small? Why can't stores order more than one size 10 shoe? Why do shoe makers neglect those of us with odd size feet who need a 10.5 and can't work with their 10 or 11? (I'm looking at you Jessica Simpson!) And the plus-size clothing.... Lawd. If it's cheap, it's hideous. If it's cute, it's costly. Where is the in-between?

3. Victim mentality. If you think that everyone is out to get you, everyone wants to see you fail, no one ever helped you, you're the only one going through ish... I don't want to be bothered with you, because I will be tempted to tell you to jump off the nearest bridge expeditiously. Seriously, stop looking at everyone else like it's their fault that you ___________. Look at yourself. Oh, and if everyone tries to distance themselves from you? You may want to look within. I'm just sayin.

4. People taking my kindness for weakness. When you're on my good side, I am sweet as pie. But trust, you don't want to try & take advantage of that. I can do a complete 180 on you and be the biggest, dirtiest bytch alive when pushed to that point. I don't like it, and I try to avoid it, but some folks have to see for themselves that behind the smile is a problem that they really don't want!

5. Incorrect spelling/grammar. I'm not some kind of grammar nazi (usually). I know there are times when people relax with their verbiage, especially on the "interwebs." But if you are constantly mixing up to/too/two, your/you're, there/their/they're, etc. I'm gonna have a problem with you. There have been many a blog posts I've come across where the content and topic were great, but I just couldn't get past all of the errors. They invented spelling/grammar check for a reason, folks.

6. A man who can't take the lead. In some aspects I'm very old fashion, and I suppose this is one of them. I expect a man to be able to make decisions, to provide (when necessary in dating, period in marriage), to protect... Basically to be a leader. A sorry man who looks to his woman for everything raises my ire.

7. People who don't know & have never done my job, trying to tell me how to do it. I think that one is self-explanatory!

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 2--Envy

2010-10-19T11:18:00.000-05:00

Seven things I lack and covet.

1. My own home. Preferably a condo. (Yes, the real estate agent has not bought her first house! For shame...)

picture from http://www.justnewlistings.com/

2. Free time. Between two jobs and grad school, not to mention all the other obligations in my life, I'm jealous of anyone who can get a moment to relax and enjoy themselves.

3. Marriage. WAIT, let me clarify: a happy, healthy partnership with a faithful husband. Yeah, that's what I mean. Not just any old "I do; we's married now!" type deal.

4. A Camaro. I see them every day, everywhere I go! They're taunting me yall. They are!

picture from camaroz28.com

5. Inner peace. I'm envious of people who can be calm and peaceful regardless of what goes on around them. I just don't have that...

http://embraceyourgifts.typepad.com/

6. High metabolism. Don't laugh, I'm being serious! I know some skinny-minis who put away food like it's nothing. Meanwhile, I sniff a donut and got an extra 2 lbs. It's not fair, I tell ya!

Funny thing: My ideal size is the same as the "big" one in this pic!

7. Inherited wealth. I'm not ashamed to admit it: I'm lazy and would LOVE to not have to work! I can just imagine what it would have been like to grow up with the world at your fingertips... *le sigh* Maybe in my next life.

from gawker.com

7 Deadly Sins Challenge: Day 1--Pride

2010-10-18T10:34:00.001-05:00

I peeped this over on L. Michelle's blog and decided to steal it :) I am starting today!

The 7 Deadly Sins Challenge...

Day 1 - Pride. Seven great things about yourself.

Day 2 - Envy. Seven things you lack and covet.

Day 3 - Wrath. Seven things that piss you off.

Day 4 - Sloth. Seven things you neglect to do.

Day 5 - Greed. Seven worldly material desires.

Day 6 - Gluttony. Seven guilty pleasures.

Day 7 - Lust. Seven love secrets

So here we go: PRIDE.

1. My way with words sometimes shocks even me. Of course, it usually happens when I'm not trying, which makes it that much more awesome.

2. My hair is (and has always been) really fly. Need proof? Check here and here. I'll wait.

3. I'm a really good cook, with seafood being my specialty. If you are a seafood fan, I can have you ready to propose within one meal. And don't let me make my macaroni & cheese with it! You'll have the plate in one hand and be pulling me to the courthouse with the other. It is NOT.A.GAME.

4. "Call me Mrs. Flinstone, I can make yo bed rock!" LOL Seriously though, I am that deal when it comes to *ahem* workouts of the adult nature. And I am not ashamed.

5. My spending/saving habits are improving. It feels pretty good to know that even when I'm "broke" according to my checking account, I'm still sitting kinda pretty in the savings.

6. I'm multi-faceted like you wouldn't believe! My interests are so varied & I code switch so easily that I can easily fit in to just about any situation. Not that I want to most of the times, since I'm kinda anti-social :) but if I need/want to, it's not even an issue.

7. My legs. Usually when someone asks about my favorite feature, I'll say something like eyes or hair. But really, my legs are great. Kinda funny to me since I am a big girl, but it's true!

**By the way, it was really hard to come up with seven things! I'm not one to took my own horn (that often).**

Pinkwashing: Think Before You Pink

2010-10-11T11:37:00.000-05:00

What is pinkwashing?

1. a term used to describe the activities of companies and groups that position themselves as leaders in the struggle to eradicate breast cancer while engaging in practices that may be contributing to rising rates of the disease. (source)
2. Using support for breast cancer research to market products, particularly products that cause cancer.Pinkwashing is a blend of pink, the color associated with breast cancer research, and whitewashing, "concealing flaws." (source)
3. The term “pinkwashing” is sometimes used to describe products which are targeted at people who are concerned about breast cancer, with the “pink” being a reference to the pink ribbons used to symbolize breast cancer research. Pinkwashed products are often sold with claims that the purchase of the product will benefit breast cancer research or patients suffering from breast cancer, leading consumers to believe that they are making a sound ethical choice by purchasing such products. (source)

The most recent company (that I can recall) to be nationally blasted for pink washing was KFC and their pink "Buckets for the Cure" campaign. This was especially egregious as many believe their is a link between cancer and food like fried chicken. However, pinkwashing is not always so obvious. Some companies feature the pink ribbon or turn packaging pink, leading consumers to believe that profits from purchasing those products will go towards cancer research donations. This is not always the case. Some companies make no donation at all, while others make a minuscule donation, sometimes only $.50 of profit.

Think Before you Pink has some questions consumers should ask if they are looking to "buy pink."

1. How much money from your purchase actually goes toward breast cancer? Is the amount clearly stated on the package? If you can’t tell how much money is being donated, or if you don’t think it’s enough, give directly to the organization instead.

2. What is the maximum amount that will be donated? Whenever there is a cap, your individual purchase may not contribute anything to the cause, depending on when you shop and whether the cap has already been met.

3. How are the funds being raised? Sometimes the purchase alone does not ensure a contribution.

4. To what breast cancer organization does the money go, and what types of programs does it support?

5. What is the company doing to assure that its products are not actually contributing to the breast cancer epidemic?

Remember, if you want to make a donation, you can make donations directly to the National Breast Cancer Foundation and Susan G. Komen. And if you want to show visible support, there is The Pink Ribbon Shop (which donates to various legitimate cancer research foundations) and Shop Komen.

No Wedding, No Womb: A Middle-of-the-Road Perspective

2010-10-05T12:27:00.000-05:00

*Note: This post has zero stats on how good/bad children of single mothers are, how they fair in life, comparisons between single parent & two-parent families, jail stats, economic info, nada. If you're looking for all that, I'm sure you'll find a lot on both sides of the argument by simply following the #NWNW hashtag on Twitter. This post is STRICTLY the opinion of Tori D., and I reserve the right to change that opinion or stay stubbornly mired in it, should I choose to do so.*

A few week ago, I saw posts popping up about No Wedding, No Womb, an initiative that some black bloggers--mostly women, from what I saw--started as an effort to reduce the high percentage of out of wedlock births. Seems noble enough. Of course, in typical Tori D. fashion, I couldn't get any thoughts together in time, so I dropped it. I figured it would pass relatively unnoticed anyway, so why post something when it's dying down? But um, it didn't.

Within the weeks since #NWNW appeared in the Twitterverse, it has morphed into an ugly battle. From the opposition, I've seen tweets calling NWNW self-hating because it "puts down black men" and picks on poor black women, insensitive to homosexuals, a put down from people on moral pedestals, illogical, anti-feminist in that it ignored a man's role & responsibility and the assertion "these bitches are dykes." I hadn't followed the battle that was going on, but these were the tweets that were flooding my timeline. So when I finally go back to see what #NWNW supporters had to say, there was an onslaught of attacks towards those who were born or had kids out of wedlock instead of defense of their stand.

What the hell happened?

It amazes me (though at this point in my life it really shouldn't) that people could see the same thing with such starkly different perspectives. Granted, I have not read all--or even a majority--of the posts that were written for NWNW. The few that I did read told personal stories and didn't come off as belittling to me. But then I thought about it a little differently: Would I be offended if I were the result of a casual fling, or even a relationship that just didn't result in marriage? Would I be pissed if I'd had a child outside of marriage? Would it somehow be less infuriating if it wasn't just directed at black women? How would this whole movement affect me? Clearly I don't have an answer as these are all hypothetical. Honestly, I can see both sides, especially when they bring in different elements that I had not initially considered when NWNW came into play. However, I think a lot of people (on both sides of the argument) are letting feelings and personal circumstances color how they receive the message, or causing them to not receive it at all.

So what's the Tori D. interpretation of NWNW?
Have a baby when you are ready. Practice safe sex. I know many people don't go looking for trifling, no good people to have babies with (male or female), but being selective about who gets the goods and what you do to prevent pregnancy could mean a world of difference for you. Now what constitutes a "suitable" mate? Well that's on you boo. But consider whether you know and like/love the person well enough to potentially have to deal with them for the rest of your life--wedding or not. No shade to those who had OOW children; things happen. Even if you do background checks on potentials, use condoms & birth control religiously, it could still happen, and the dad could still be an ass regardless of who/what he is. But actively try to reduce those chances until you decide you want to bring a life into the world.

I guess that's more "My Womb, My Way" instead of "No Wedding, No Womb." At the end of the day, I believe the intentions behind NWNW were good. But what's that famous saying? Oh yes, "The road to hell is paved with good intentions." From the sidelines, it looks line NWNW went to hell in a handbasket.

Anyway, what's your take on the NWNW debacle? I'd love to hear differing opinions on it (without the constraints of 140 characters!)

Breast Cancer Myths

2010-10-04T09:56:00.001-05:00

As I'm sure you know, October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. People all over the country are gearing up to walk to raise money for a cure, sharing survivor stories, or paying homage to those who lost their battles with breast cancer.

Also, around this time every year, emails begin circulating (even more than usual) about things that will cause or prevent breast cancer. Research has proved many of these to be myths, yet many are unaware of this and continue to spread misinformation. Here are a few common myths and the truth of the matter. Click the links below for even more breast cancer misconceptions.

Myth: Only women with a family history of breast cancer are at risk.
Reality: Roughly 70% of women diagnosed with breast cancer have no identifiable risk factors for the disease. But the family-history risks are these: If a first-degree relative (a parent, sibling, or child) has had or has breast cancer, your risk of developing the disease approximately doubles. Having two first-degree relatives with the disease increases your risk even more.

Myth: Wearing an underwire bra increases your risk of getting breast cancer.
Reality: Claims that underwire bras compress the lymphatic system of the breast, causing toxins to accumulate and cause breast cancer, have been widely debunked as unscientific. The consensus is that neither the type of bra you wear nor the tightness of your underwear or other clothing has any connection to breast cancer risk.

Myth: Wearing antiperspirant increases your risk of getting breast cancer.
Reality: The American Cancer Society pooh-poohs this rumor, but admits that more research is needed. One small study did stumble on traces of parabens in a tiny sample of breast cancer tumors. Parabens, used as preservatives in some antiperspirants, have weak estrogen-like properties, but the study in question made no cause-and-effect connection between parabens and breast cancer, nor did it conclusively identify the source of the parabens found in tumors.

Myth: Annual mammograms expose you to so much radiation that they increase your risk of cancer.
Reality: While it's true that radiation is used in mammography, the amount is so small that any associated risks are tiny when compared to the huge preventive benefits reaped from the test. Mammograms can detect lumps well before they can be felt or otherwise noticed, and the earlier that lumps are caught, the better one's chances for survival. The American Cancer Society recommends that all women age 40 and older receive a screening mammogram every year.

Myth: Hair straighteners cause breast cancer in African-American women.
Reality: A large 2007 study funded by the National Cancer Institute found no increase in breast cancer risk due to the use of hair straighteners or relaxers. Study participants included African-American women who had used straighteners seven or more times a year for 20 years or longer.

Myth: Overweight women have the same breast cancer risk as other women.
Reality: Being overweight or obese does increase your breast cancer risk—especially if you're past menopause and/or you gained the weight later in life.

Myth: I’m too young to worry about breast cancer.
Reality: While it’s true that your breast cancer risk increases as you get older, the fact is that women of all ages are at risk for developing breast cancer.

Myth: Birth control pills cause breast cancer.
Reality: Doctors say the evidence isn't strong enough for them to recommend that women stop taking birth control pills to avoid breast cancer.
Some studies from the mid '90s showed that birth control users had a slightly increased risk, but researchers caution that pill formulations have changed since then (most contain much lower doses of the hormones linked to breast cancer risk).
This research also found that the risk returned to normal 10 years after women stopped taking the pills. Some research suggests that risk may depend on ethnicity or age (African-Americans and those who take pills after age 45 have a slightly increased risk), while other studies found no association between pills and cancer whatsoever. "This suggests that birth control–related breast cancer risk may not be the same for all women," says Susan Love, MD, a breast cancer surgeon and founder of the Army of Women, "which is why we need the Army of Women to help figure out whether subgroups have different risks."

Myth: Drinking from a plastic water bottle left in a hot car can cause cancer.
Fact: This rumor falsely claims that dioxins—a group of toxic chemicals associated with an array of health problems, including breast cancer—leach from the heated plastic into the water.
Plastics do not contain dioxins, and the sun's rays are not strong enough to create them, says Michael Trush, PhD, deputy director of the Johns Hopkins Center for Urban Environmental Health. Most single-use beverage bottles sold in the United States are made from polyethylene terephthalate (PET), a substance tested extensively for safety.
There is some evidence that heat can cause bisphenol A (BPA), a compound that's been shown to have estrogenic effects in animal studies, to leach from plastic bottles into the water. (The "estrogenic effects" are thought to impact cancer risk.) However, most single-use water bottles sold in the United States are made from BPA-free plastic. And there's no proven link to breast cancer in women anyway. To be safe, drink from a reusable plastic bottle labeled "BPA free," or choose water bottles with a "1," "2," "4," or "5" in the recycling symbol on the bottom.

Sources: http://www.health.com/health/condition-article/0,,20215558,00.html
http://womenshealth.about.com/od/breastcancer/a/breastcafacts.htm
http://health.msn.com/health-topics/menopause/slideshow.aspx?cp-documentid=100264189&imageindex=1&q=Breast+cancer+myths%2c+debunked

Could You Be A SisterWife?

2010-09-28T15:42:00.000-05:00

Sunday night, while flipping through channels, I ran across Sister Wives. From seeing the commercials, I'd already formed my opinion of the women who had agreed to be a part of this polygamist marriage. These women are dumb. This is just a way for dude to get more ass. They must have low self-esteem (because they were all a bit homely... I'm just saying). Dude ain't even cute enough for that!
So I watched the show to get a better understanding. Of course they were Mormons and most of them had grown up in polygamist families so to them it was nothing. Between the three women, there were 12 children with one on the way. The man was also courting wife #4 who already had 3 kids. The current sister wives explained the "benefits" of having other wives. Basically they had someone to watch the kids when they were having sexy-time with their 1/4 of a husband. O_o (If there were other benefits mentioned, I missed them. Really, all I heard was that there was always someone to watch the kids.) Isn't that what friends and teenage girls in need of money are for, to babysit?

At the end of the show, I had one question: WHY? I still didn't get the purpose. They didn't seem like they were pooling money and getting rich (from what I saw, only the guy and one of the moms worked--plus with all those kids you know their grocery and clothing bills are a beast). None of them were bisexual (at least, not that they mentioned) so it wasn't like they're getting another partner out of the deal, just another "sister." They all still had a ton of responsibility considering the ridiculous number of kids they had. The house wasn't all that big... What was the benefit?

Fast forward to last night. I'm at Bartender's place while he and a friend are chilling & Bartender asks the guy to explain what they had been discussing a few nights earlier. His friend proceeds to talk about how he asked his "lady friends" about coming together in a similar type set up. From the way he was talking, they apparently know about each other. He was reasoning that if they all pooled their money together to live in one location, they would cut down on rent, he wouldn't have to spend as much time away from them or as much money on travel (since most of them are in different states), and they would always have someone their to watch their kids. He looked at it as a wealth-building venture, with the added bonus of having all his pussy in one place. He also made mention of how "back in the day, in Africa, it was normal for a man to have a bunch of wives." Needless to say, the majority of his lady friends were not having it.

And then, while writing this post, I came across this blog post about an Alpha Female in polygamous relationships.

Some may side eye the hell outta me, but I gotta admit, some of it makes sense. I mean, if the women already know about each other, why not use each other to their advantage? Of course, I'd vote to make it even: if a man can have multiple wives, it would only seem fair that a woman could have multiple husbands, should she desire that. Not saying that this kind of arrangement would work for me, but to an extent, it may have it's advantages.

So what say you? Could you be a "sister wife" (or "brother husband" for the fellas)? Are there any circumstances under which you would even consider it? What do you think of those that practice this lifestyle?

My Current Motivation

2010-09-23T10:53:00.000-05:00

Yesterday, as I began to prepare for my first listing presentation (yay, me!) I was suddenly hit with an overwhelming feeling of anxiety. Chest tightening, shaking, the whole nine yards. Thoughts of "What if they don't like me? What if they won't want me because I'm inexperienced? What if they ask me something I don't know? What if I miss something crucial that messes up the whole experience?" flooded my head, and in that instant I wanted to say "never mind!"

I prayed. I breathed deeply. I re-grouped.
I reminded myself that I do not run and hide, and that I could overcome any obstacle I encountered even if I fell and looked foolish a few times in the process.
I got back to work.

Today I'm still working on my presentation, getting details, running reports, making my presentation pretty and whatnot. I took a little break to look at a blog that I haven't visited in a while. I viewed some of the cards on Affirm Art and came across the affirmation I needed for today (and really, the rest of this very busy year):

courtesy of affirmart.blogspot.com

Although my plate is full and new obligations are being added to my calendar daily, I am happy that it is that way. Knowing that I am capable of dealing with anything and making situations work in my favor has given me renewed energy. I'm ready to work.

What Would You Do?

2010-09-20T08:48:00.001-05:00

This weekend I was presented with some soap-worthy drama that I have no idea how to handle.

I have a friend who has recently gotten married and had a baby. I didn't know much about the guy although I'd seen him around before, but other friends expressed their concern that dude was a dog. From brief interaction with him, I knew he was a flirt, but I didn't learn the extent of his actions until Saturday.

While talking to a good friend, this guy came up. She told me that a mutual friend of ours met him one night at a club where his band was playing. She asked if he was seeing anyone and he said no, he was single. Long story short: they have a one-night stand, she feels awful & avoids him. One day she & some others run into the couple (while the wife was still pregnant); he plays the "we just met" game. Then he texts her around 5-something in the morning one day, asking if he can come over "to chill." She tells him off & that's that. Later, she finds out that was right after his wife had the baby.

I won't even get into how he tried to get back at another friend of mine who he used to mess around with & tried to holla at again right after getting married....

Basically he's f*cked over two of my friends, and only one of them knows it. He shouldn't get away with that.

So now I'm trying to decide whether I should tell his wife or not. Like I stated, she's a friend. As sweet as she is, she definitely doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. And if he's trying to bone two other folks that I know of, imagine how many he may be messing with that I don't know about! I'd hate for him to bring her something she can't get rid of, if ya know what I mean.

And just to add the icing to the cake: I used to talk to this guy's cousin a good little while back. I don't want it to seem like some kind of delayed, roundabout revenge because it's absolutely nothing like that. This could be a whole can of worms that I definitely don't want to get entangled in.

So what would you do? Tell her and let whatever happens happen? Keep your mouth shut and hope for the best? Only say something should she mention it? Confront the guy?

Rally for the Scott Sisters

2010-09-18T17:41:00.000-05:00

On this past Wednesday, hundreds of people marched onto Mississippi's state capital demanding the pardon and release of Gladys and Jamie Scott. They have served 16 years for a robbery netting $11. A robbery for which they maintain their innocence.

The Power of Positive Thinking

2010-09-13T09:32:00.001-05:00

*Got this in an email from Jane Carter Solution today. Thought I'd pass it along*

Positive thinking and hard work are THE critical links to self improvement. Growth, happiness, and joy is the direct result of working hard and viewing life 'positively'.

Positive thinking can transform your life and allow you to do great things. Everyone and everything benefits from this change in you - your step lightens, your smile brightens, and your spirit generous. You find the joy in your life and share it with those around you.

How? Incorporate the following positive affirmations into your daily routine:

I deserve all the good things that come to me

· I deserve to be happy

· I deserve abundance

· I deserve love

· I deserve prosperity

· I deserve good health

· I deserve to enjoy life at its fullest

· I deserve a peaceful space to live

· I deserve to be in contact with Nature

· I deserve to be compensated for my skills and my knowledge

· I deserve to be successful

· I deserve to be surrounded by people who love me

· I deserve to experience beauty

· I deserve to enjoy my time doing something that I like

· I deserve to be appreciated

· I deserve to be respected

· I deserve to achieve my goals

No (Virtual) Strings Attached.

2010-09-09T09:32:00.000-05:00

I'm experiencing something very different with my current "relationship" for lack of a better word. (Brief sidenote already: is there another word I can use? I mean, "relationship" sounds so serious. It's not that serious yet... I could say "liaison" but that sounds so illicit.)

It's a small difference, but one that I couldn't help but notice.

Bartender and I are not friends on any social networking sites ~~except for that one site when we were trying to find... well nevermind~~. No FB. No Twitter. He doesn't follow my blogs. We don't even have each others email addresses. This is partially because he's not big on the internet, and partially because it's just never really come up. I guess it was more of an issue with the last three because initial contact was made online. *shakes fist at BlackPlanet and it's connection to PsychoEx. Bastid.*

1. I can vent in peace.
One thing I've hated about being social network friends with guys I was involved with was the fact that if I vented anywhere, they would see it. A MySpace status --> Facebook status --> tweet wouldn't be up five minutes before I'd get a "what's wrong?" call or a "so that's how you feel?" text. Sometimes I just want to air out my frustrations before I actually talk to the person about them. Not to get advice or a solution right then, but to clear my mind of the evil stuff that would come out if I had to confront the person right then and there. Fortunately now I have that space. And although there's really nothing to complain about yet, I'm sure it'll come. LOL Plus, I can discuss my thoughts on relationships without having the "was that about us?" convo. I want to be able to share what I'm thinking--whether it be about sex, fidelity, trust in a relationship, whatever--without something being read into it. Not everything is about us. Aaaannnd if I happen to post something like a poem, I won't have to go through that weird convo of my SO thinking that it was about them when it wasn't. (Yes, that has happened. I didn't have the heart to tell SupaBlack that the erotic poem he thought was for him... wasn't.)

2. I can flirt with abandon.
I flirt, I can't help that. A lot of what I consider being friendly and playful, others take as flirting, so I guess I have to accept that. And who does this "flirting" occur with? People that I have no interest in. So when I tweet a double entendre to someone or swoon at a pic, I can do so without getting the third degree. Which is great, because I'm not gonna stop anyway.

3. I don't have the temptation to snoop.
Although I've never been the type to look through my guy's phone or email accounts, I do have a habit of visiting the Facebook wall ~~a couple times a day~~ occasionally. And although I've rarely, if ever, said anything about the posts that I see, there have been occasions where I have been a little hurt or huffy over something that was said. And the pix... I'd rather not see who tagged him to what event and what he was doing while drunk *side-eye to SupaBlack's FB pix of him licking some broad's leg & him claiming "I don't even remember that, I was sooo drunk." Bastid.*

4. If we break up, I can make a clean break.
None of this trying to decide whether or not to remove him as a friend or unfollow him. No seeing posts/pix about a new chick. No deleting him off some sites only to realize you're still connected on others. No having to go through and delete months of messages and shit. None of that. Clean, instant break. And trust, when I break, I BREAK.

5. If we break up and make up, I don't have to start all over again (not virtually, anyway).
This is really a moot point anyway, as my three strikes rule has been lowered to "half a strike & you're out." But if my three strikes rule was still in place and we did get back together I don't want to go through that awkward thought of whether or not to "friend" him again and then the act of actually doing it. Since it's not an issue now, it wouldn't be then. And that's more than alright with me. :)

Quote of the Day

2010-09-08T09:12:00.000-05:00

Don't let me loose in a bookstore, y'all. Regardless of what kind of bookstore it is, I'm bound to find something I want. Even if it's just a store with a little book section, keep me away from it! The other day my mom wanted to stop at the Christian bookstore, and of course I came out with a bag. So now I'm reading The Me I Want To Be: Becoming God's Best Version of You by John Ortberg and wanted to share a paragraph that kinda hit me like "damn."

Only God knows your full potential, and he is guiding you toward that best version of yourself all the time. He has many tools and is never in a hurry. That can be frustrating for us, but even in our frustration, God is at work to produce patience in us. He never gets discouraged by how long it takes, and he delights every time you grow. Only God can see the best version of you, and he is more concerned with you reaching your full potential than you are.

Omnism.... Or Baha'i?

2010-09-04T00:02:00.001-05:00

I've finally found a name for what I believe in. I think...

A few posts ago I talked about the fact that even though I still identify as Christian, I don't necessarily believe that Christianity is the only way. For the longest, my Facebook religious preference said "All religions hold some validity."

In my search to find how to put my beliefs into exact words, I came across this simple, beautiful word that sounds like something I would've just pulled out of the air if I'd tried to name it myself: Omnism. Of course! The definition of omnism varies a little, depending on who you talk to, since it's not really an organized religion itself. For some, it means belief "in a single transcendent purpose or cause uniting all things or people". Others (like me) believe that all religions contain varying elements of a common truth, or place omnism in opposition to dogmatism, in that omnists are open to potential truths from all religions.

Great, I've got it. I know what to call my belief system now.

Or so I thought.

I'm perusing the Facebook Omnism group and see a comment from someone saying that they think all religions are really worshiping the same God. That kind of correlates to my other thought on religion: ever religion and culture, no matter what name or how many gods they worship, are all actually referring to the same deity. However, someone responded saying this belief was not actually omnism, but rather ideology of the Baha'i faith.

According to Baha'i teaching, there is really only one religion and One Divine Being, regardless of the man-made designation. From bahai.org:

The Bahá'í belief in one God means that the universe and all creatures and forces within it have been created by a single supernatural Being. This Being, Whom we call God, has absolute control over His creation (omnipotence) as well as perfect and complete knowledge of it (omniscience). Although we may have different concepts of God's nature, although we may pray to Him in different languages and call Him by different names--Allah or Yahweh, God or Brahma--nevertheless, we are speaking about the same unique Being.

I'm still studying both of these schools of thought, so I make no claims of knowing exactly how, or if, they correspond. But if omnism is believing that all religions hold some truth, that would include Baha'i, would it not? I probably won't ever find something that is an exact match to what I believe, but these are probably as close as I'll get.

Anyway, if you're interested, here are a few links with resources concerning Omnism & Baha'i.
http://www.bahai.org/
http://old.ecauldron.net/omnism.php
http://omnism.com/om/home.htm
http://www.bahai.us/
http://www.religioustolerance.org/var_rel.htm

courtesy of religioustolerance.org

Late Night Randomness

2010-08-27T22:33:00.001-05:00

Instead of being out somewhere, having a life, I am at home working on a paper for Monday. In case you are wondering: YES my professor assigned a paper on Day One. On top of that, my professor that teaches my Thursday night class has the thickest accent ever. And did I mention that is an advanced business math class? *le sigh* It's gonna be a long semester. Surprisingly though, I feel pretty good about it. I just know I'm gonna have to put in work. But I'm taking a break for a second because I have too much randomness floating around in my head.

The shirt & I, when we both loved each other a little more...

Today I committed a crime against big girl fashion. I wore a shirt that was really too snug. It was from my New York & Company phase, which truthfully was about two sizes ago. But in my defense, my boobs look GREAT in that top, and with the pants I had on, it gave the illusion of having a nice lil booty back there. However, it was not flattering to the tummy :( I vow to give it away, along with a few other tops and skirts from the NY&Co. era... To my fellow big girls (or at least, the ones to have their stuff together appearance-wise), I apologize. I'll be on my A game from now on ~~except for when I just really don't care~~!

If I have a girl, I'm not gonna have everything decorated in pink.
I like the color and all, but ever since I heard one of the supposed reasons behind why blue is for boys & pink is for girls, I've been kinda turned off from the idea. There are many explanations and speculations about how this tradition came about. The one I heard was that in ancient Greece, the color blue represented the gods. Since it was assumed that the boys would grow to be great men and warriors, parents wrapped them in blue to incur the favor of the gods. On the other hand, girls were seen as inferior. So they were wrapped in pink rags--clothing that was once red and worn by the elite. Once they faded pink, the clothes, like the girls they swaddled, were deemed worthless.
Now, being somewhat of a feminista (I like that term better than feminist; it's.... softer, not as off-putting) this just doesn't sit well with me. Even though no one chooses these colors now for that reason--and who even knows if that is the reason--I still don't like it. So if you buy little Naomi Elaine something, try to find something blue. Or purple. She'll definitely like purple. ^_^

I wonder if there is some kind of karma repair. I mean, you can get your credit cleaned up no matter how slaw it is. The Universe must have something like that for karma... I think I need it. My actions from my first serious relationship are still biting me in the butt. Not fair, but I did mess up pretty bad. But the same thing has happened so much that I think I may have done some kinda permanent damage. I want to talk to a priest at the new Hindu temple in Brandon about it, but I'm sure he or she would laugh me out of the building...

Planning My Life Around Myself

2010-08-24T09:17:00.000-05:00

My last semester of grad school has started... and as usual, I'm not feeling it. Truthfully, I've felt like grad school was a mistake from the beginning. But I did it because it was part of "the plan" that my ex and I came up with. Do this little academic stint, then have the life we wanted together after I did my time. Now I'm sitting here wondering what changes for the better (or worse) would have come about if I'd followed my heart & mind and gone to Texas or Georgia like I planned when I planned.

Maybe I'd be married already.
Maybe I'd have gone straight into real estate and been super successful by now.
Or maybe I'd be broke and halfway crazy, crashing on a someone's couch. Who knows...

It's really futile to go over the shoulda, coulda, wouldas at this point. However, I find myself doing just that from time to time. And while I think it's incredibly sad that I let myself get so wrapped up in someone else that I neglected what I wanted & needed, it is a reminder to not put my needs on the backburner. Selfish? Yeah, I guess so. But why plan and live my life for people who may not even be around to see those plans come into fruition?

Randomness: "F*ck You!"

2010-08-22T19:29:00.000-05:00

I've finally heard Cee-lo's new song, and I LOVE IT! I've never heard an emotional i-hate-you love song that made me wanna smile & dance like this one. I caught myself humming it in church today after someone came in that reminded me of an ex LOL

I'm working on changing the words around to fit me :)

"Wake Up Everybody"

2010-08-19T11:21:00.000-05:00

From mymoodismusic.com:

The Roots, Melanie Fiona, Common and John Jegend release the video for their collaboration, “Wake Up Everybody”. You can find this song on The Roots and John Legend joint project, “Wake up!”

This is a great video & an awesome cover!

VH1 TV Shows

Music Videos
Celebrity Photos
News & Gossip

...and the madness continues...

2010-08-17T08:29:00.000-05:00

Young Man Gunned Down for Glasses in Detroit

Updated: Monday, 16 Aug 2010, 11:27 PM EDT
Published : Monday, 16 Aug 2010, 11:27 PM EDT
By SIMON SHAYKHET
myFOXDetroit.com

DETROIT - He was an accomplished athlete with a promising future, but a gunshot ended it all. A young man was killed while leaving a club in Detroit; gunned down over a pair of glasses.
Detroit Police say whether they are real or just knock-offs, you can loose your life over Cartier shades.
...
Miller was leaving a Detroit nightclub early Sunday morning. That is when Ford says her son was shot in the back. It was over a $2,400 pair of sunglasses that he refused to give up.

Miller had worked to pay for the Cartier shades and the killer took them after pulling the trigger.
"I never thought in a million years... that my brother would be the one to get killed over some glasses," said Latoreya Till, the victim's sister.

I'm not even going to say anything. It's the same tragic, confused commentary/question that are asked with every senseless act of violence and every display of the lack of humanity people display toward one another.
Prayers for this young man's family and friends.

"All In" (a partial poem)

2010-08-16T23:29:00.000-05:00

Since I haven't shared any poetry in a minute, I figured I'd give y'all a little bit of what I've been working on.

part of a poem inspired months ago by a conversation with HWHadNT

I wanna be all in.
I want to love you like my first love
When I wasn't afraid of being hurt
And I gave my all.
Now memories of the past
Have me holding back
But baby believe me when I say
I wanna be all in.
I want that completely exhilarated emotion again
Without fear
Without doubt
I admit, I've been holding out
But trust, I want to change that.
I want that giddy love again,
The so-happy-it's-silly love
The I'm good long as you're with me love.
I wanna be all in...

Quote of the Day

2010-08-14T11:23:00.002-05:00

Taken from a Soror on Facebook (thanks Dana!)

The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift is yours - it is an amazing journey - and you alone are responsible for the quality of it. This is the day your life really begins.

Double Standards

2010-08-14T11:22:00.001-05:00

There are certain double standards that people might as well get used to. It would take a MAJOR paradigm shift for them to change.

A promiscuous woman will pretty much always be seen as a whore; a promiscuous man is seen (by most people) as just doing what a man does.

If a woman messes around with other women for a period of time she can claim she was "experimenting" or "curious," and a lot of people will accept that. If a man messes with another man even once, he will forever be labeled "gay" by some people.

White people should not ever use the word nigger/nigga/nig/othervariationhere, even though they may hear Black people use it.
Read more »

Tori D.'s Guide to Interviews & Job Fairs

2010-08-12T16:18:00.001-05:00

It was hard as heck trying to find a picture of "black professionals."
What are you trying to say, Google?

As part of my ~~8-to-5 torture that sponsors my not-so-lavish lifestyle~~ job, I occasionally participate in state-sponsored job fairs. While I am not happy with the idea of saying the same thing over and over almost non-stop for hours, it is a much welcomed break from sitting here ~~banging my head on the desk~~.

It also gives me renewed determination concerning the nonprofits that I want to start. There are so many people who don't have the first clue about how to present themselves. One of my goals is to provide help for those who may not have had the opportunity to go to college career centers or didn't have family/friends/mentors to give them the Dos & Don'ts of seeking an interview. Although I don't have the resources to do that now, I do have this forum to share some tips. I wish I could still get to my tweets from the job fair I worked several months ago, but of course Twitter makes it pretty much impossible to go back that far. Soooo here we go:

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Randomness: I visited a new church Sunday...

2010-08-10T11:00:00.000-05:00

Well not exactly new. I attended school there up until 5th grade. I just haven't been back in forever.

Service was pretty good. A lot different from the more...uuuuuh ~~rambunctious~~ spirited service I'm used to, replete with a full concert, multiple offerings and amped up preachers. This service was quieter, but didn't feel dead.

A few minutes after I got in, the pastor did altar call & said he felt an unusual spirit of heaviness. He began talking about carrying the weight of the world and how God wants to relieve us of our burdens and whatnot... I sat there and cried from that point until the end of service. I didn't go to the altar though. I probably should have. The things he was saying... I felt like he was talking directly to me, but something stopped me from going and letting someone pray with me. After all, I didn't know these people. Who's to say that their prayers are any more effective than mine?

So yeah, that was that. It was refreshing to go to a service that didn't leave me feeling beaten across the head for not singing or having to cringe as someone was coerced into joining the church when their expression clearly said that's not what they wanted. Did feel a little odd being at a predominantly white church, but the atmosphere and the people were welcoming enough that it wasn't really an issue. I may have to visit again some day.

I Can't Get Off the Merry-Go-Round! (Can I?)

2010-08-10T09:58:00.001-05:00

Last night on Twitter, as I contemplated a crazy move (trying to live off student loans this semester and quitting the full-time job so I could do real estate full time), one of the people I follow tweeted something that stayed on my mind all night and is still bothering me. @happyblackwoman tweeted:

Our addiction to having so much stuff is what keeps some ppl chained to the job from hell. One feeds the other.

*sigh* She got me told in 140 characters or less.
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AT HOME LIPO PROCEDURES... ASK ME HOW!

2010-08-02T15:31:00.000-05:00

Feeling like those extra pounds aren't going anywhere? Not really up to the challenge of hitting the gym regularly and monitoring what you eat? Want to bypass the frivolous diets that those money grubbing doctors want you to try? Call me to find out how YOU can have at home liposuction!

Chins! Tummies! Thighs! Love handles! I do it all!

FAQs:

How does it work?

First, you're loaded up on codeine. Then I make strategically placed incisions and use a ~~vacuum cleaner~~ medical suction device to remove that unsightly fat! Then you're stitched up by my favorite weave expert... err, ummm, I mean.....

Are you trained to do this?

Heck yeah! I've been vacuuming since I was eight, AND trimming fat off meat since I was twelve. Add them together and I got ya!

What happens to the fat you remove?

Well, there are options. We can dispose of it for a nominal fee. You can have it redistributed to another area, such as your buttocks, for much less than those cosmetic surgeons would have you pay. Or you can buy it back to use for cooking. The choice is yours!

How much will it cost?

I charge by the pound, sorta like your local deli.

Is this safe?

Of course! What you mean, "Is this safe?" You got problems with a sista trying to get her side-hustle on?! *flips table* This is that bull....

I'm just saying, if people are falling for things like this, why shouldn't I get a piece of the action?

LOS ANGELES — Los Angeles police are searching for two sisters accused of running an illegal cosmetics business that led to the death of a 22-year-old woman.
Deputy Chief Kirk Albanese said Wednesday that 53-year-old Guadalupe Viveros and her 50-year-old sister, Alejandra Viveros, did not appear for a court hearing Monday as ordered. The pair were arrested June 21 and booked for practicing medicine without a license.
Albanese says one of their customers, Mayra Contreras, died July 24, one day after being injected in the buttocks with silicone by one of the two sisters.
The cause of death has not been determined, according to the Los Angeles Times, but initial reports indicate that “Contreras died from respiratory distress.”
Police say some customers complained that fillers they were injected with hardened, and others developed infections.
Guadalupe Viveros claimed to be a physician in Mexico, but is not allowed to practice medicine in the United States. (Source)

Playing Part-Time Mommy

2010-07-30T16:02:00.001-05:00

Right now, there are toys in my rear passenger cup holder.

A few weeks earlier, it was candy.

The culprits? No, not little cousins or the little ones I mentor (sporadically... shame on me).

No, this auto desecration is done at the hands of my new "friend's" two little girls.

How did this happen? How did I get here?
Read more »

Morning Randomness

2010-07-29T08:55:00.001-05:00

Kat Williams is a fool... but this ish right here nigga... this ish right here?! (I couldn't resist) This is TROOF

And yeah I know it's old but dammit I'm feeling like that tiger so here it is:

Late Night Randomness: "Fifteen"

2010-07-25T23:33:00.000-05:00

So this song was on last night when me & my newest friend went out for dinner.

'Cause when you're fifteen and somebody tells you they love you
You're gonna believe them
And when you're fifteen, don't forget to look before you fall
I've found time can heal almost anything
And you just might find who you're supposed to be
I didn't know who I was supposed to be at fifteen.

So what the hell is the excuse when you're 25?
(Ironically, I was super jaded at 15 and had a superb emotional wall built up.)

Afternoon Quickie: "Secrets of Extreme Savers"

2010-07-20T14:08:00.000-05:00

Yahoo! Finance has an article today featuring five individuals/families who are great at saving money.
This article caught my eye today because I am trying to get on the right path as far as saving and spending my money wisely. I am prone to impromptu shopping trips and splurging on food and drinks when I go out with friends, but I realize that I have to make some serious changes if I want to meet my goals. What are those? Retirement by age 45 (but 40 would be ideal) so that I can dedicate the majority of my time to my future non-profit organizations. The issue is how to go about achieving this. I have a path laid out in my head, but the first step starts now with my spending and saving habits. So I am going to try to apply some of these common-sense but easier-said-than-done principles for saving now.

The five "secrets" were as follows:

1. Avoid Debt
I'm starting out way behind the couple in the article... hello, student loans, car note, credit cards! But the good news is that I'm not creating any new (non-work related) debt, and I'm chipping away at the existing debt. It's a slow go for now, but once business picks up I plan on being debt free (excluding mortgage) within five years.

2. Delay Gratification
Ugh... I have zero will power and have to have what I want when I want it! But this is something that I am improving on, so yay :)

3. Create Multiple Streams of Income
Now THIS... this I can do. It's what I'm ~~trying to do~~ doing now (speaking prosperity into existence).

4. Live Below Your Means
Kinda doing this now... After all, I am living rent-free... That counts, right?

5. Cut Down on Everyday Expenses
Cups, it looks like I can't visit you every day for my blondie fix. Guess regular old home-brewed coffee will have to do...

For the actual article, click here.

The Incongruency of the American Justice System

2010-07-09T10:59:00.002-05:00

A White cop kills an unarmed Black man by shooting him in the back of the head as he lay on the ground. Numerous witnesses and video evidence. What does he get? Two to four years, involuntary manslaughter.

Meanwhile, two Black women sit in prison facing life sentences. The crime they are accused of? A robbery of $11. The Scott Sisters have spent 15 years in prison for a crime that others involved in the crime have affirmed they had nothing to do with.

http://freethescottsisters.blogspot.com/

The say "justice is blind," but there are definitely three things "justice" takes note of: money, race, and the badge. Then it protects you or screws you, accordingly.

Faith or Foolishness?

2010-07-08T12:23:00.001-05:00

Over the past several months, I have been hearing a statement over and over: "Life is too short to work a job that you hate." It's resonated with me because for the past two years I've been doing just that. Although I've moved around a little bit in the agency and done several different jobs, I'm not happy here. I've gotten to that all-too-familiar point where I hate getting up in the morning to come in, and it's a chore to be pleasant to people because I genuinely don't like it here.
On top of that, there is the fact that working an 8-to-5 definitely limits how much real estate I can do. Sure I can go knock on doors, make calls and meet with clients after work... On one of the few evenings that I'm not in class. Evening networking events are out. I already miss out on some of the meetings/lead generation building because they occur during work hours. And then there's that whole life thing... I'd like to have one of those! Things would be so much smoother if I had time during the day to work on my career instead of being stuck at the job.
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Things My Future Husband Should Know: The Davis Clan

2010-07-05T20:26:00.001-05:00

I started this back in April... SMH @ myself! So I just decided to post what I have. Lazy, I know!

Although I'm an only child, please don't think you got off easy, Future Hubby. There may not be any big brothers to grill you or sisters to give me their nitty-gritty opinion of you, but I have a wonderful substitute: a whole gang of cousins, aunts and uncles known as The Davis Clan. To help you out, here are a few tips to help you get your mind right.

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Reasons & Seasons

2010-07-05T19:37:00.001-05:00

They say people come into your life for a reason and a season. It seems like the last couple of guys I've had some sort of relationship with was to help me get over the previous one. SupaBlack was put in place to help me get over PsychoEx. HWHadNT helped me get over SupaBlack. Now Bartender, to a much lesser degree, is helping me get over HWHadNT... But in my head I'm thinking "ENOUGH!"

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Quote of the Day

2010-07-02T10:13:00.000-05:00

Actually this is tweet of the day... yesterday.

from @Slaus

If Elin got caught with 20 dicks in her mouth, dudes everywhere would endorse Tiger killing her azz. But because tiger gotta pay, yall mad?

"Christian with a side of..."

2010-07-02T00:18:00.001-05:00

For quite a while now I've been pondering this post but wasn't sure whether I should share it or keep my thoughts to myself. I've been bolstered by the fact that I'm starting to read more and more people who are somewhat on the same wavelength. Maybe people are starting to open up some when it comes to religion. I am.

I was raised in a Christian home and from an early age I've known the Bible. I pretty much accepted what I was taught as being it. When I became a teenager, I began to question some things but was discouraged from voicing those questions because it was"wrong" to do so. Now I'm coming to accept the fact that my beliefs do not completely line up with traditional Christian thinking.
Read more »

100 percent of school's first class college-bound

2010-06-29T09:53:00.002-05:00

I saw this story on television a few months ago (maybe it was on the Today Show, or Black in America 2, IDK) but I don't think I shared it here. Even if I did, it's worth revisiting. I love seeing young black men going against the status quo, determined to do something with their lives! This is proof that where you're from, how poor you are and what others say/expect are NOTHING when met with positive role models who demand the best, encourage youths to follow their dreams, and give them the tools to be successful. And as a Jacksonian, I am proud that one of these young men will be a Tiger!

Class of 2010 students shown with their red and gold ties, signifying acceptance to at least one college.

Today's randomness: "Smile!"

2010-06-28T16:34:00.000-05:00

"Smile! It's not that bad! It'll be okay!"

I hate when people say that.

IMO, this is such an insensitive comment. It brings about so many questions/comments.

1. am I supposed to walk around grinning at nothing in particular? There are people who do that. Lunatics.

2. Who are you, that I should bestow my beautiful smile upon you? Just because you're some guy telling me to smile, I'm supposed to oblige you?

3. You don't know how bad "that bad" is. Downplaying whatever it is that's keeping me from smiling is not the way to cheer me up. If you were really concerned, you'd say "You look down? You okay?" Of course I'd say I was fine (cuz why the hell would I open up to a random stranger?) but that's way better than the "get over it" crap you're giving me.

4. If that's your attempt to holla, you should stop. It's lame.

5. I don't wanna. Now leave me be.

Of course, I don't say any of these things. Think them, and some other unnecessarily mean comments, but never say them. Instead I just flash a brief, fake smile. Because that's what nice girls do, isn't it?

So this is what music has come to?

2010-06-20T23:07:00.002-05:00

John Blu- "In Love With Yo Booty"

I was floored when I heard this song. The guy says "Don't turn around 'cuz 'm in love with your back, but if you gotta turn around I hope your face match" and then proceeds to say he's in love with some chick's ass over & over again. Really? So this is what's hot now, huh?

I'm not really a music snob so I don't think it's that (though I do long for a time where it took more than just a tight beat for a song to be considered a hit). I'm certainly not a prude so it can't be that. And I'm too young to be an old fogy who is just out of touch with what's in, right? Well hell, I'll be that if it means not co-signing bullshit like this.

Yanno, I was planning on talking about how today's music is a result of a cyclical problem stemming from society's shift in focus from education to entertainment as a means of making it. How this shift in focus actually harmed the quality of music due to, among other things, the lack of command over the English language (similes, metaphors, subject/verb agreements, etc.).

But... iCan't. Those who get it already get it. Those who don't (or who choose not to) will say I'm hating and continue shaking their asses to it.

SBTS*: The Seattle Cop vs. The Seventeen Year Old

2010-06-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

That's "Shouldna Been Talkin' Shyt." Thanks O Hell Nawl.

You can find the article here but to make a long story short: A cop stops a group of young women for jaywalking. Two of the girls get belligerent and put their hands on the cop. The guy tries to restrain one of the girls and when the other walked up on him and... well you saw it. Now people are claiming excessive force and police brutality. Some are pulling out the race card and some think he was wrong to that so-often-twisted adage "A man should NEVER hit a woman."

These people strike me as the same who would blame a teacher for their child slacking off or "the man" for holding them down while not even attempting to look for a job. At some point personal responsibility and common sense have to come into play!

Maybe they have had bad prior experiences with the police, so I understand hostility. I'm no fan of the police myself. However, I know that if I'm stopped, respect and saying the right thing in the right way go far. Because not every officer is evil, there's no reason to be that combative off the bat. Especially not for no damn jaywalking. (C'mon, jaywalking son? When the most you would've gotten was maybe a $50 ticket?) And considering at that point he was the lone officer in a hostile, growing crowd, I'm of the opinion that he had to do something to maintain order & keep her from interfering with him handling the other young woman. Sometimes it pays to just shut up and not try to prove how bad you are...

But maybe I'm missing something... I'd love for those who think the cop was out of line to explain their thinking. Would it have been excessive if it were a man? Or if she were older? If it had been a female cop in the same situation, would the same actions be considered excessive? Would a method such as tasering be considered "less excessive"? If everyone in the situation were the same race, would it have blown up like it did? Someone speak on it!

The Anti-Social Sorority Girl (intro to a growth experience)

2010-06-13T23:33:00.000-05:00

The title is from a comment that someone made about me. And thinking about it, I guess it's true; I am a bit anti-social. Way more so than you would think a sorority girl to be. But I need to change that. One because of the career that I chose. If I don't get out there and network my ass off, I won't get started. Two, I'm too young to have this old person's life. Work, school, home is my usual routine... boring! Last, and definitely least, I guess I could go out and see if there is anyone out there who kinda sorta fits what I'd want in a mate. Bitter pessimistic me says no, but it may be interesting to look & see.

So anyway, guess the point is that I'm gonna attempt to be a little less anti-social, put myself out there some, push past my comfort zone. So if/when you see a post that says ASSG, that's what it's gonna be about. There are supposed to be various networking events in & around the city of Jackson soon, so maybe I'll make a little progress.... We'll see!

Traveling with Tori D.

2010-06-13T21:17:00.001-05:00

Should any of you ever have the pleasure of vacationing with me, you'd do well to know before hand the rules of engagement. So without further ado:

PROPER PLANNING PREVENTS PISS POOR PERFORMANCE
I am not a "go with the flow" person when it comes to traveling. I want to know well in advance where I'll be laying my head, how I'll be getting there, and a general idea of what I'll be doing so I can pack clothes accordingly. If you are not like that, we may have some problems. The best thing you can do is let me know up front that you suck at planning so I can take care of things myself. But doing stuff like waiting until the day I'm supposed to leave to tell me that the hotel isn't taken care of even though you said you'd do it? Baaaaaad business, my friend. (Plus, that gets over into the issue of trust honesty & basically breeds a whole lot of resentment.)
KNOW HOW MUCH YOU CAN "BALL"
Maybe you can't ball at all. That's fine. Usually I can't ball either, but when I travel (going back to rule #1) I save money in the months prior to the trip. I scrounge up a few dollars here and there, managing not to spend everything I have. It's just proper planning people! So please don't go somewhere with me if you've got champagne dreams and a beer budget! Now if we doin' beer things & the beer budget is all that's needed, cool. But going somewhere damn near broke? Naaahhhhh, cuz that means you expect me to cover for ya ass. In fact...
I DON'T GOT YOU, AND NO YOU'RE NOT GOOD FOR IT
The bank of Tori D is closed! Run out of business by folks taking out loans and not repaying them! So I can't be the one playing Captain Save 'Em if you're rolling with me. If you don't have enough to eat you'll just be hungry until you get home. If you don't have enough to shop you'll be souvenir-less. If you don't have enough to get back I hope you can find a job & settle in there. My apologies to any future friends who would actually be true to their word & pay me back, but I'm not taking that risk anymore. Shame that one person ruins things for everyone!
SOMETIMES, I NEED ME TIME
Yes, I just need a break from people from time to time. Even on vacation. I'll be okay, you don't have to be all up on me at every turn. I won't go too far. I'll come back in a better mood once I just have a few minutes with no one but me, myself & I. That being said...
TRUE TRAVEL BUDDIES DON'T LET OTHER ROAM A STRANGE CITY ALONE... ESPECIALLY NOT AT NIGHT!
I mean, do I really have to explain this?! The level of unconcern that shows will automatically get you kicked out of the circle of trust. We operate on the buddy system here!
DON'T EXPECT ME TO SIT IN A HOTEL ROOM
Look, I can sit up and watch TV at home, for free! Why would I want to go to another city just to do the same thing? Especially a city I've never been to, and especially if it's a city known for its night life! If you're that much of a homebody, why even bother going on a trip? Have yourself a staycation and be through with it. Don't bother traveling with me!
IF WE'RE BUNKING TOGETHER, BE CONSIDERATE
That means bring air freshener if you know the bathroom is a toxic dump after you're done with it. Try not to get your random body hairs everywhere. Go see a doctor about that sleep apnea (or at least warn a sista so I can get some earplugs). Yanno, the little things.

Alright, I think that's it. See, I'm not a hard person to vacation with! I just wanna make sure I'm having fun just like everyone else. So who wants to go on a trip? I'm taking applications for next year now so that we'll have time to go through the screening process.... LOL

Fight the good fight, or just say "F*** it"?

2010-06-10T12:24:00.000-05:00

From reading this blog, y'all probably realize that while I am not afraid of controversial discussions and issues, I am not one of those people who tries to find racism/sexism/etc. in everything. I realize that fucked up things happen to just about everyone, so I'm not quick to yell out "You're a misogynist!" or

whenever I see some unsavory shit that happens to involve a minority. To me, decrying everything as racist, sexist, ageist, unfair, mean, etc. is like the boy crying wolf. Eventually people are gonna stop listening because you never learned to pick your battles and don't know when to STFU.

But sometimes I am tempted to go off and tell people about themselves. Especially when they are spewing horridly inaccurate information that is skewed to make another group look bad. A few weeks ago (when I started this post) it was a white woman on Twitter berating Black women & insisting that we were all herpes-infested whores. Recently it was the ignorance spewed by Slim Thug and the even more ignorant co-signing from other black men.

A lot of sisters have taken to the blogs, forums, Twitter, and wherever else to fight back. And I say good for them. If you have the wherewith all to deal with ig'nant assholes and irrelevant has-beens seeking attention by any means necessary, do so! Someone has to do it. Me? I think I'm just gonna try to ignore ignorance. It's sort of like the "Don't feed the animals" sign at the zoo. You start with one, then the others come along with the same mess, only more over the top to get a more over the top reaction. Eventually someone falls over the rails & the body is never found...

Wait, wat?

Never mind.

Point is, if the controversy comes to me, sure I'll address it. But til then, F it. Stupidity isn't worth the effort to address it. Besides, when arguing with a fool, it's hard to tell who's who.

Things You Shouldn't Do While Drunk

2010-06-10T10:48:00.001-05:00

Yeah yeah, we all know you shouldn't drink & drive, and drunk dialing is a no-no. But I have a few other things (in no particular order) that you may wanna wait until you're sober to try...

1. Giving yourself a haircut.
When I did my BC, I was throwed! I'd finished off about a third of a bottle of wine & had several glasses of my new favorite drink (Ciroc red berry & papaya juice. You can thank me later). Needless to say, the cutting didn't go quite as expected (cut too much in some places, not enough in others). On top of that, I couldn't judge how much shampoo I needed... I rinsed my hair at least four times and still had a little left. Finally I said forget it & kept going w/ what I was doing. Fortunately it came out very cute but it probably could've been better if I wasn't blitzed.

2. Mani/pedis.
While in Miami I bought some very cute nail polish and couldn't wait to try them out. Now, I had gone to Wet Willies and had a Call a Cab. Someone should've taken everything from me. Phone, camera, and nail polish included. I really don't even remember doing my nails, but when I woke up the next morning, my left hand had red nail polish all over it. On the right hand, one coat of blue polish barely covered four of my nails, while the thumb remained bare. And my toes? Two of them had been polished red... over a deep purple polish that I'd chipped away. No bueno.

3. Tweeting.
Drunk dialing has never been a problem for me, and I've rarely drunk texted. But tweeting? Maaaaan oh man, that is a whole 'nother issue! I guess it's because I tweet so much that it's pretty much second nature to pic up my phone and go straight to Uber. When I've had a few though, the results are unpretty... Typos galore. And now that the Library of Congress is gonna be keeping record of all of those? I think I'm gonna need a designated tweeter.

4. Doing a presentation of any kind.
This one is from my sophomore year of college. One of my guy friends who I was crushing on was having a birthday party at a friend's house. I went & had several cups of vodka & ______ (I wanna say Hawaiian Punch for some reason). Long story short, I blacked out & can only go by the stories that my roommate told me ~~and the huge knot on my forehead from bumping it against the toilet in my attempts to not upchuck all over myself... which I did~~. The next day I had a final in one of my business classes. Cool, no problem right? Well my generous professor decided that she would give the students who missed a presentation the opportunity to make it up. Guess who one of those students happened to be? Yours truly. I stood there rambling, still drunk, for what seemed like an eternity. Thank goodness I already had an A in that class, because after that my final grade slid to a B.

5. Walking around on a boat.
I was all disoriented on the cruise... Fortunately I don't get motion sickness... But ummmm yeah, don't do it. That's all I have to say about that!

Cut & Dry

2010-05-31T00:21:00.002-05:00

Black or white.

Right or wrong.

Liberal or conservative.

Gay or straight.

Christian or Muslim or Hindu or Buddhist or.... not.

Is life really so cut & dry? This is something that I've been wrestling with lately. From what I've observed in my little time in this place, we have a tendency to want to categorize and label everything. We feel they should fit in neat little boxes so that we can easily identify them. Why? I think it stems from fear of the unknown. We hate things that are ambiguous, but every day I live I realize that my beliefs and issues and personality isn't one of "this or that." Maybe that's why I feel like I'm battling myself sometimes, like there's a conflict within. Sometimes I think those who live in ignorance and don't have the desire to probe & question things have it made. I think I'd rather accept things as they are and coast through life. But that's not my nature. I was meant to do more.

Excuse me. Just a little late night rambling...

The Right to Love

2010-05-29T16:40:00.003-05:00

Maybe this is "not in my lane" since I'm neither a resident of Malawi nor seeking a relationship with a woman, but I'm still gonna post about it.*smirk*

Last week in Malawi, two men were sentenced to "the maximum 14 years in prison with hard labor." Their crime? Being in love with each other. According to MSNBC:

Chimbalanga, a 20-year-old hotel janitor, and his unemployed partner were arrested Dec. 27, the day after they celebrated their engagement with a party at the hotel where Chimbalanga worked — an apparent first in Malawi.

"Maximum sentences are intended for use for worst cases," Magistrate Nyakwawa Usiwa Usiwa said as he delivered his sentence. "We are sitting here to represent the Malawi society which I do not believe is ready at this point in time to see its sons getting married to other sons or conducting engagement ceremonies."

(Source)

Thank goodness we don't go to those extremes here (although antiquated laws relating to homosexuality are still on the books in several states). I don't know how anyone could read stories like this and not see how fucked up it is. But I know people who do. Typically conservative, staunch Christians can really be assholes when it comes to homosexuals. Okay, you don't agree with their lifestyle. you don't understand it. You may even think that they are going to hell for who they love. You are entitled to your opinion just as they are entitled to do as they please. But to openly say that they don't deserve the same rights as their straight counterparts simply because they don't live like you think they should? Sorry, can't go there with you, and I doubt Jesus, Mohammad, Buddha, etc. will either.

The reasoning I've heard some people give for being discriminatory towards gay people is utterly ridiculous. They say that if we allow gay marriage it's a "slippery slope" to people marrying animals and adults marrying kids. Aroo?! Since when could kids or animals give consent? How does one equal the other?
I also remember hearing a preacher saying that if they are given the right to marry, fight in the army, etc. that they'll "soon be in the schools, right there over our kids." NEWSFLASH: (you may wanna sit down) There have always been gay and lesbian teachers, preachers, doctors, lawyers, and whatever else. This isn't some new craze that's going around. Homosexuality goes back to the earliest days of mankind. To think that they have to be stopped now is absurd.

And if all of their rights were taken away, what change would be made? What "good" would that do? Would that cause them all to say "Oh well I guess I won't be gay anymore!" or something? Will discrimination force them to be straight? Umm, no. A person won't and shouldn't have to change who they are just because someone else doesn't agree. Whether it's a lifestyle that they chose or just how they were born (I refuse to get into the "nature or nurture: homosexuality edition" debate) they deserve to live their lives with the same right to love and happiness as everyone else.

We can't play God, no one has a heaven or hell to put anyone into. If you don't agree with what they do and how they live, condemning and discriminating against them won't make the situation better for anyone. Simply pray for them, and while you're at it, pray for yourself. God knows we all have our own shit to get straight.

New poem... "Addict," I guess

2010-05-26T11:03:00.000-05:00

love addict
always looking for the next high
searching for the best connect
need another hit to get by
got a new supplier every time i turn around
thought i was a loyal customer
but no one seems to stay down
or maybe one just ain't enough for me
maybe one just can't fulfill my needs
i need powder stimulation
sensuality in a pill
liquid comfort
and "we can chill" weed
but fuck it
i'm tryin to quit
cuz coming down?
coming down is a bitch.

In my head this is finished. In my heart... I got more shit I wanna say but maybe this isn't the one to say it through... I dunno...

Sky Cake

2010-05-23T00:52:00.000-05:00

One of the funniest commentaries on religion by an Athiest I've ever heard:

After the Fact

2010-05-18T16:30:00.000-05:00

By this point, I'm sure you've read the tragic story of Aiyana Jones. (That is, if you frequent black sites and follow the black blogosphere/Twitter. What's with the lack of coverage of this HUGE story, MSM?) I won't go into the blame game on this one, as details & stories aren't adding up like they should. And I won't be pulling the race card (though I find it highly unlikely that an incident like this would've occurred with a white family in a predominantly white neighborhood). Plus, there are plenty of people speculating and putting in their two cents; I'll refrain until something conclusive comes out.

My thoughts are, "Now what?" What happens to the family of this slain 7-year-old? The officer that fatally shot her? The community she belonged to? We've seen too many instances where the police have abused their power, acted negligently, or just plain made a remarkable mistake in judgement and nothing is done about it. No punishment for the officer. No change in policy. Barely an apology to the victims' families. And as more information comes out, we hear allegations that the police--the ones charged to protect and serve--tried to cover up the truth about what happened. We can't truly say this is an isolated incident because we see it happen regularly. And when it does, we're pissed and vigilant for a few days, then things go back to business as usual. Eventually, we have to let it be known that we are not happy with the way things are and that we demand change. Trust, waiting around for things to get better is absolutely futile without working to make it so.

Contact the Detroit Police Department to express your concern
CHIEF OF POLICE

Warren C. Evans ~ Chiefofpolice@dpdhq.ci.detroit.mi.us
DETROIT POLICE DEPARTMENT
1300 Beaubien Detroit, MI 48226

Related Link:
The Black Snob on the "No-Knock" method used that night

So ummm, is anyone still purporting the "Post-racial America" myth?

2010-05-11T08:45:00.002-05:00

Or does post-racial means it's okay to be this open with your racism?

25 Cometh

2010-05-10T10:01:00.000-05:00

Yup, the Quarterpiece is gonna be a quarter-century old...

Even though I'm not big on astrology & stuff, I do kinda have a thing about numbers. Actually it's more of an OCD thing than anything else... But anyway, five (and it's multiples) always seem to pop up in important things or during big events in my life. I won't go into details cuz I refuse to let y'all think I'm crazy! LOL But that being said, my twenty-fifth birthday is something like a big deal to me. So much so that I felt like I should do a commemorative post or something. You may want to do a screen print with a timestamp so that when I'm famous you can show your kids that you e-knew me when I was relatively unknown. (Yes this post is full of hubris. If you can't deal, get out now!) Since I couldn't pin down just one thing I wanted to talk about, I figured I'd do it all!

Five things I thought would be different at this point
Up until recently (and not so recently for some of these) I thought that by the age of 25 I:
1. Would be looong gone from Mississippi
2. Would be married
3. ~~Would be at least contemplating kids...~~ Okay, Imma scratch this one but leave it in because I am, but it's not in totally serious mode yet cuz my last name hasn't changed...
4. Thought I'd be doing something creative... Fashion design, writing, photography, music... Never thought I'd be sitting behind a government desk doing busy work
5. Assumed that I'd still be "thick as thieves" with some of my childhood friends. Not so, but I'm closer to some other friends than I would've ever imagined.

Five things to do within the next 25 years
1. Travel to the five other inhabitable continents (no way I'm going to Antarctica)
2. Start my nonprofit organizations
3. Become a broker & have other real estate agents working for me
4. Get married. I refuse to be in the 98% of black women that the media says is gonna die alone with twenty cats! LOL
5. Retire! Ambitious, I know, but I want to be able to retire and travel while I'm still young enough to enjoy it! (Maybe too ambitious... Perhaps I should aim for 30 years with this one)
Five ideal ways to spend a birthday
1. In bed, butt naked with a boo or a boo-substitute
2. Shopping on 5th Avenue or Rodeo Drive
3. A day full of kiddie fun with my friends & fam: go-carts, mini golf, paintball, laser tag
4. A cruise! (I tried so hard to make a cruise happen this weekend, but to no avail. Oh well, at least I have CousinsCruise2010 in June!)
5. Being completely pampered: spa, mani-pedi, being served and chauffeured around, full princess treatment.

Five things I've learned so far
1. You will outgrow some people, whether they be friends or lovers. It's the natural way. As the saying goes, "We are not the same persons this year as last; nor are those we love. It is a happy chance if we, changing, continue to love a changed person." You have to learn to completely let go & just be happy for the good times that once were.
2. Everyone, at one point or another, has a piece of advice, wisdom or knowledge that you should adhere to. Regardless of that person's status, whether or not you like them, whatever. There is something that you can learn from even "the least of these." Don't be so high-minded that you can't learn.
3. Not everyone that calls themselves friends are actually in your corner. Some are just waiting for your downfall; others are actively trying to make it happen. Keep your eyes open, don't be naive. And don't take your real friends for granted. They are few and far between, but when they are real it feels like an army is on your side.
4. Accept yourself for who you are. You'll never fit everyone's ideal mold, physically, spiritually, intellectually... And that's more than okay! The only folks that need to be totally pleased with you are God and you yourself. And if you're Atheist then I guess you only have to worry about yourself... Moral of the story: I've learned to be the Tori that Tori is happiest with, regardless of what changes others want of me.
5. There is no Superwoman. Or, if there is, I'm not her. I can't handle everything alone and probably shouldn't try to. That doesn't really keep me from trying, but I'm getting a little better at it! So yay for progress :)

Five gifts that you can give me!

You still have 5 days to fulfill my wish list, so get to it! (and if you're wondering, yes, I was born on 5/15/85 at 5:23 pm. Coincidence???)

1. The complete Marvin Gaye collection. I don't even know if there is a full collection of his work, but I want it! Bonus points if you can get it in MP3 format so I don't have to go through burning a bunch of CDs!

2. This one isn't nearly as sexy: a 16gb mini disk & an aux cord (so I can use my BB as an mp3 player). I have a little 1 gig memory card in there but it's just not enough! And I wanna be able to use it in the car, since I don't even buy CDs that often anymore.

3. This beautiful Tiffany ring. This style comes with several different stones. I'd love any of the following:

And to get all six would only set you back about $60,000. What a deal! ^_^

4. This royal blue Hello Kitty hat. Apparently I'm like a year late on this. New Era brought this out like early last year, but I only recently saw this pic. Now everyone that knows me knows that I'm a Hello Kitty fanatic, and the fact that this hat is royal blue and white... PERFECTION! However, I haven't been able to find it. *le pout* I have, however, seen it in black and purple. Those are okay too, I guess. But if you could find this royal blue one, you would be like the most special person ever ~~for like two days~~. If you find it somewhere, email me for my hat size. I refuse to let y'all know how big my head is for naught!

5. CASH. Eff all those manners and etiquette books & sites that say money is impersonal. I GOT BILLS!

A Fat Chick's Wake-Up Call

2010-05-08T01:04:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me, has followed this blog for a while, or has seen a picture of me knows that I'm not exactly a dainty little thing. My weight has always been a struggle, even since I was a very young child. Of course I've tried to lose weight on many different occasions, mainly to be able to buy cute little trendy clothes ~~and to try new positions like the stand and carry~~. But then I find a few big girl pieces and get it in the good ol' fashioned way, and I'm prone to slide into a state of "Meh."

But ummm, I think I'm gonna change that.

My cousin was recently hospitalized and placed in intensive care. The reason? Diabetes. Her blood sugar was crazy high and the doctors could not get it down. They held her almost a week before finally getting it under control. Now, there are some things I'm sure you assumed. She's a black female, and yes she does love soul food. She's in Mississippi, the fattest state in America. One thing I don't think you'd readily assume though: she's in elementary school. I was in shock when I found out about it. She & my Big Momma (her great great grandmother) are both having to check their blood sugar, watch what they eat, take medication... It's crazy.

Sooo yeah. I've got to get up and get active again and start monitoring what I eat even closer. Forget trying to be skinny, that's unrealistic for me. But damn if I let myself be unhealthy. My mouth may get me in trouble a lot of ways, but what I eat won't be it.

The Compromise

2010-04-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

Which would you choose: "complete" freedom or financial freedom?

FAWOHODIE: independence, freedom, emancipation From the expression: Fawodhodie ene obre na enam.
Literal translation: "Independence comes with its responsibilities."

The other night I was out with a friend and the conversation turned to my living situation & how it's not really conducive to someone with a burgeoning career and (would be) active social life. "Why don't you just tell them 'I'm grown and I'll be back eventually'?" he says. After all, I am damn near 25, an adult by any standard. I've proved that I am responsible: same job almost two years (huge accomplishment for me), paying my few bills on time & without having to ask for help, putting away money in savings, not getting knocked up or addicted to anything. ~~My relationship with alcohol is not an addiction; I can quit whenever I want!~~ I shouldn't have to deal with questions about where I am, where I'm going, who I'm going with, what am I doing out so late, etc. It's especially hard to deal with considering the fact that I was on campus on college. I would come & go as I pleased, damn checking in with anyone!

But now I'm back under their roof & their rules. Rules that haven't changed much since I was in high school. :-/ Well, I take that back. It's not that bad. At least now I get to go, where as back then I was mostly confined to ~~my cell~~ the house. The thing now is the calling... Calling to see where I am, the requests to check-in... Ugh, they make me wish I didn't even have a cell phone! I understand their concern, especially after that crazy broad popped up at my house that one time... But still, concern only goes so far before it's just plain overbearing. And then the interrogation that happens if I'm not where they think I should be or with folks they know of, etc. is crazy. I shouldn't have to lie & sneak around like a teenager just to keep the peace!

But there is a reason I put up with it. Simply put, my bank account benefits from me being able to tolerate my folks. I'm not paying one single bill that I didn't create. No helping with the groceries, phone/internet, electricity, water, nada. And of course, the biggie: no rent! If I had to pay all of those things, the little money I save would be gone. My shoe fund would be nonexistent. I wouldn't go out. Trips like my upcoming cruise to the Bahamas would be out of the question, because where would I get that money from? And I know you're thinking, "Didn't you just start a second job? What about that?" Yes, I'm starting my real estate career but guess what? It takes money to start, to market yourself! And that would also be out of the question if I was paying bills. I have it quite good when it comes to my money. And I'm definitely appreciative of that. Why would I mess it up by going off and telling them how grown I am ~~even though I do it daily--in my head~~?

As generous as my parents are, they don't take shit like that lightly. I'd be showing them just how grown I was on the other side of that door. Now make no mistake, this wouldn't be a problem. I've thought this scenario out hundreds of times and have several ways to go about taking care of myself should it come to that. (Ladies and gentlemen, ALWAYS have a contingency plan!) But it wouldn't be the comfortable existence that I currently have. Along with that, getting a place here kind of carries a certain... ominous feel. Yeah I could get an apartment, which wouldn't be too bad, but I'd be losing out on money, which would mean losing some freedom cuz of my responsibilities. And I could get a house, but that just seems so... permanent. I still want to move (depending on the direction of my career and my relationship). So why not just deal with it for a few more months?

I want to move by December, but I should know what I'm gonna do by maybe October. If it looks like I'm stuck here, I'll break down and get a condo. Until then, I can handle them. I think. Check back with me in a month and see if I'm still saying that...

Get Out of My Head!!

2010-04-13T09:07:00.000-05:00

For the past five, count them- 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 -nights in a row, an ex has bum-rushed his way into my dreams. I don't know why; it's not like I've spent any waking time thinking about him (except to question why he was in my dreams the night before). It's pissing me off because he's progressively becoming active in the dreams. The first night he was just there as part of the crowd. Last night he was in my room brushing & smelling my hair (which was back to it's former long & silky state). Why won't dream me just run over dream-ex with a car or something?! I wonder what it's supposed to mean, or whether it means anything at all. Whenever I look up symbols to try to interpret the dreams, I don't find anything really helpful. They all say that something or someone is currently making me feel like I did during that relationship & that it may be a warning not to fall into old patterns. Well I've got nothing for that, considering that I'm not feeling anything like I was then. So what's the deal? I know some of y'all are into interpreting dreams & whatnot... Got any ideas? Gotta figure out something to keep him from barging in on my subconscious!

Priority Shift

2010-04-11T23:05:00.000-05:00

When did it happen for you?
When did your focus shift to what you were meant to do and how to go about doing it?
When did you realize that it was truly "now or never," that if there was ever a time to walk in your destiny, this was it?

For me, it was this past week, when I actually took my first steps towards my career. I've finally taken my real estate exam and I'm now a Realtor and sales agent with the agency that was #1 on my list. Since Tuesday when the broker shook my hand and said "Welcome aboard," I've come to realize even more than before that this is definitely an investment. This isn't just something for me to jump into. And why should it be? This is my dream, something I've been wanting to do for the longest. And although "the best things in life are free," nothing worth having comes easily.

Now my time, energy, focus, and yes my money are going to something meaningful, not just the frivolous things I wasted them on before. It's like I've suddenly been hit with the fact that I really have to "grow up" as far as my work ethic, my spending, etc. Not to say that I've been immature before now (not always, anyway). But realizing that what I'll get from this is 98% dependent on what I put into it, that kinda changes my perspective. And what's crazy is that I'm sooo lazy, like the ultimate couch potato. I love just lounging around doing nothing ~~until I get bored and have to go shopping... or eating~~. But when it comes to work, to grinding and getting mine, I have no problem doing just that because I know nothing is just gonna fall in my lap. And now that I have this extra push, this career where I determine my own success? I'm in beast mode; unstoppable.

"My Religion is Better than Your Religion!"

2010-04-04T23:06:00.000-05:00

This is the image in my head when I hear/read religious "debate."

I'm a little late, but Happy Easter to my Christian readers and happy Sunday to the rest. This morning while I should have been getting ready for church, I was on Twitter and the back & forth was ridiculous! I do not understand why people want to turn a religious holiday into a debate about who has the better religion and why other people are dumb for choosing to believe something different.

I know it's human nature to want to feel superior to others, to think that we are smarter and make better decisions. But can anyone tell me what satisfaction one gets from belittling someone else's beliefs? If my choice of who/what/how to worship does not directly and adversely affect you, why take it upon yourself to criticize what I do?

Even when trying to change people's minds in the name of converting them, condemning what they believe rarely produces positive results. Think about it. Many of us adhere to whatever religious upbringing we had. Those who choose to follow a different path probably did so through much thought, meditation, found something they could connect with or were majorly influenced by someone/something. Do you really think insulting that is going to "show them the light" and make them change? Trust me, coming at people like that will turn them off quicker than anything.

So if anyone can explain this to me, please do. What do you get from condemning my beliefs? Is it just a thing to make you feel good about yourself, or is it a genuine yet misguided attempt at "helping" others? Let a sista know!